my baby

fussy. did you know he's 8 months old? yep, he is. it seems really crazy, and i kinda feel badly, but i LOVE that he is older. i mean, he was cute as a newborn, and fun to look at, but everyday he seems to get more fun.

he isn't crawling yet, or doing much besides sitting and eating. that seems weird to me because both my older boys were very active by this time. harry was actually walking at 8 months. of course he was my first, so really he didn't seem that different. fussy seems like he would like to crawl, but then he decides he's perfectly happy in my arms.

the third time around is a lot different, at least for me. it seems to go faster. i am so much busier now that i have school kids, playdates, soccer, baseball....it's hard to remember what it was like when i just had harry. i am definantly not as stressed out this time.

yeah, pretty random. it's just been on my mind lately, how different it seems now, how quickly he is growing up, and the fact that i'm not terribly sad by that. in fact i'm pretty excited about it. crawling walking, getting into things. first words, hugs and kisses. being the mom is a lot of work, but i think getting to watch somebody grow firsthand is pretty amazing.

welcome fall

i'm not much for remembering the seasons. i notice when the flowers start to pop up in the spring, i get excited for the first snowfall. i am in heaven when the thermometer reaches 85. but today my 7 year old reminded me it was the first day of autumn.

i love fall. i love the change of colors from green to gold. i love that nature paints itself in such a warm pallet for such a cool season. i love halloween, i love thanksgiving. i love cool mornings and cloudy days. cinnamon rolls and peach cobbler. so many smells are associated with fall. even the smell of dust burning on the furnace the first time it kicks on.

i don't like the fact that winter is right around the corner. i'm a summer girl through and through. well, at least a three warmish season girl. i detest snow, cold, sleet, and icicles. i also hate the darkness of winter. morning and night. yuck. winter this year brings another sore. my baby will be one. i'm not looking forward to that.

it's almost as if in the fall season, the wheel is just winding up before it goes full speed down into the holidays. i wish i could stop the wheel for just a few more weeks to savor the beautiful colors, the crisp new apples, and the cool mornings.

finally! and ouch!

after a week of being down, my home pc is back up and running. but i did get a bit done while i was away. just kidding. i have a baby with a cold, thus most of my time was spent with him trying to either get him to sleep, or to not fall asleep. it's all very twisted.

and i got a couple of owies. if you don't like bloody pictures, turn away now, but if you are anxious and twisted and like to see what happens when an almost 30 year old woman takes a face plant on the sidewalk during an early morning run...read on...

wednesday morning, i was tired. really tired. my baby had been up for hours. but the only time i was going to get a run in was before big d went to work. so i went. i was tired, there were scary looking men at the end of the street where i usually go, so i went a different way. a major road. i have my dog. she is hyper and excited to be out running. she is not a big dog, but not really small. smallish, or medium size. but she is strong.

i was running in the road (against traffic) and there was a bunch of cars coming my way, so i jumped over to the sidewalk. unfortunatly, my tired shoe hit the lip of the sidewalk, and my dog pulled me the rest. my ipod earbuds pooped out as i hit the pavement. i think i said a few swear words and some pretend ones too. i know i said "frick" because i laughed at myself for saying "frick on a brick". i rolled over to see the damage. my hands were scraped and they burned. my knees were on fire and i could see blood starting to pool. and my chin. i know i hit my chin.

i rolled over and pulled out my phone and dialed big d's phone. 5 minutes into my run and i'm down the road. stupid. i put the phone away. i get up. "i'm a badass!" i say to myself, "keep on going". so i hobbled a bit and then started running again. my hands burned and swelled as i ran, but my bloody knees just went numb in the cool morning air.

i passed a few other runners. i'm sure i was quite the sight. i ronically, before i left for my run, big d had mentioned that he thought my legs were looking nice. as i finished my run (4 miles) i went inside and asked big d if he still thought i had nice legs. he was a bit surprised, especially when i told him it had happened 30 minutes earlier. harry was mortified, and chilly wouldn't let me walk him into preschool for fear of the other kids seeing my bloody wounds. my knees took the brunt, both pretty sore and bruised. my hands just have some minor scrapes. my left got a pretty deap on, but it on top of my hand and i have no idea how that happened. my chin didn't get anything, for which i am greatful!

they kill. i will forever feel badly for my kids when they skin their knees. i think i took a good layer off. i have a scrape on my hand that i think went down to the soft tissue. my knees are goopy and nasty and hot.

this is what i looked like when i got home:

and this is what i look like 2 days in

that is really gross.

while a girl's away

nothing happens?

i went on vacation, at least my internet service did. so i'm at my local library trying to post a quick update.

and there really is nothing. since my internet is out, my phone is out. nobody is calling i hope. at least i'll get the message someday.

so if you are looking for me, i'm not here. but i should be back soon.

(i hate our isp guys, and i hope someday to change.)

a picture is worth a thousand words?

and this one made me laugh. out loud.

in memoriam

my grandpa died 17 years ago today. i was getting dressed for school. my dad came in and told me that my grandfather had a major heart attack and had died during the night. i remember walking through a cloud for the next couple of days until his funeral.

his funeral was sad, people were sad. i was still young and i didn't really get it. i'm glad he was taken then, instead of now. i wouldn't be able to get through it now.

so i just want to hug my family, who are all missing this great man today. i want to give him a hug and tell him thanks. thanks for picking out three great boys. thanks for helping me through some really tough times. my grandpa is there for me today, you just can't see him.

fussy is named after him, with good reason. (he wasn't fussy himself, but you know, fussy's real name) not that we knew why that was at the time. fussy is a real life connection to my grandpa. one that you can't deny. what an example he has to live up to!


i miss you grandpa.

200 posts with a disclaimer

this is post 200 for me. crazy. and in probably 99% of my posts, i've ticked someone off. or made someone feel badly. it's like i want to put up a disclaimer, you know, the kind before you see a movie on dvd. the disclaimer that "ideas and views in the commentary are not necessarily the views of (insert name of distributor here)". see, i want to add something like that to my blog. like it's not big d that feels this way, or my kids. it's just me.

because this is my blog. nobody tells me what to write here. there are days when i've had it rough, when i am feeling low, and i come here and get it out. and there are days when i just stick up a bunch of pictures that either make me happy, or make me feel good. i don't personally intend to make anybody feel badly, just like in real life, that comes with just opening my mouth.

i do have to say, that these are my feelings. you have no control over what i feel, what i experience. those are from me, and like everybody, i am trying to make my way in life. my feelings just are. i can't change what they are, and i don't ignore them. they are what they are. i choose to get my feelings hurt, you can choose the same if you want.

so without any more fuss, you can either stop reading the blog, or you can risk the fact that you might find you know me a little bit better. it's up to you. and since nobody comments anyway, i have no idea if you have really been here or not.

how's that for a non-apology?

ahh, fishing

what we did for labor day. the kids you don't recognize (or do you?) are my sister's kids. we didn't catch a thing. well, maybe a bit of pond scum.

it's never going to be good enough

my baby fussy is beautiful. he is sweet and charming. he's got a smile that lights people up. but he's never going to be good enough, because he's a single boy.

my sister wasn't planning on having another baby. she and her husband had been having problems. that is gently saying it. they were done. a few weeks after i get pregnant with fussy, my sister finds out she will add to her family. i'm fine with it, until the day of her ultrasound. she got a girl. my mom freaks out over girl babies. my poor baby boy. out of how many boys there are, she has a right to freak out over girls. i guess.

my sister in law tries to get pregnant for a month. she comes to me and tells me that maybe it's not meant to be. the next month she gets pregnant with twins. the day she finds out she has two boys, i see the look in my mother in laws face. sheer disappointment. no girls. but at least there are two. and they are the talk every day we walk to school. or at any family gathering. fussy is pretty much ignored, because he's only one.

i know my baby is special. but even his beautiful face, the year long struggle to even get pregnant, his gimpy hand, doesn't inspire much from his grandparents. if he is the only baby around, he'll get attention.

it sucks, i get angry about. yeah, i'm jealous. there is no way to compete. the day i found out that my sister was expecting, i begged my mom that when my sister had the girl, and i got the boy, to please not ever let my little boy feel bad, or second best. there is just no way for my sweet baby to compete. as if it's baby fighting, and i've got to put money on the one that is going to win.

i hate feeling like this. i hate being defensive about weight gain, or "tricks" he can do. can he crawl yet? is he eating solid foods yet? like he's got to "do more" because he's just one, single boy. to be wonderfully average is lacking and so overdone. he's just another boy, and both families have seen about a million of those.

crap, my feelings are out in the open. it's hard to not take it personally, but this is my kid. my baby boy. my sweet fussy. how can anyone not fall in love with him just because of who he is?

it's too quiet

it's just me and the baby tonight. big d is out camping with the boys. it's called father and sons camp out. they were very excited to go. i told big d if anything happened to my boys, it would be his fault. i don't know if he got the message.

it really feels weird to be home, pretty much alone. i've been without big d before, but never without the 3 of them. if i hadn't had the baby, i think i would have gone to the movie or actually done something. but all the same, it's really quiet and a bit unsettling.

as corny as it sounds, it really makes you think. i love the idea that big d can take the boys camping. i think it's cool for him to share something he loves with his kids. and they totally love it too. what is a little boy to do with dirt and flashlights and tents? at the same time, i feel like i am missing out. it is not because i'd rather poke my eyes out with the marshmallow roasters than go camping. sleeping on the dirty ground, shuffling towards the bottom of my sleeping bag to avoid the cold morning air is not my idea of fun. once a year is good enough for me.

being home with just fussy really throws the light on the fact that while the boys are out "roughing" it, i should be home with the girls having a manicure, or watching silly movies. my fear is that i will never get used to the sting of fate of not having any daughters. such a silly thing to mourn. i love my boys, i'm cool with being a mom of boys. i wouldn't trade one of them for a whiny, girly, GIRL. boys are so fun to have around, and to be honest, i couldn't do hair.

i never imagined my life as a mother, i never even fathomed the fact that i wouldn't have a daughter. i grew up as the youngest of three girls. too many girls. i never once thought i wouldn't have one of my own. doesn't everybody have one or two? i really don't miss out on the painting of the fingernails, or the dressing up in frilly foo. i'm okay with not having to explain the finer points in life, or having a girl look to me as an example of womanhood. but i tell you what i miss already...that friendship i have with my mom.

my own mom has become my best friend. since i married and ignored all my other friends for a good 10 years, my mom really has been there for me. she has helped me find myself. i really am grateful for the fact that she is always there with phone call when she knows i am down, or advice when i can't figure out what to do. she listens when i brag about the kids, and she calms me down when i want to run for the e.r.

nothing can compare to the relationship between a mother and a daughter. nothing is even close. mother in laws are wonderful, sharing, beautiful women. but they just don't have the history your own mom has.

i know my boys are going to grow up and marry really neat girls, and i'll end up being that crazy mother in law. i hope that i can have a relationship with my future daughter in laws. but i know it's not going to be the same. they are going to run to their own mom's when they need support, when they need help, when they have a baby. that is okay, i'm going to understand. it doesn't mean i'm not going to be jealous or sad.

i told you the house was just too quiet tonight.

it really isn't as sappy and sad as it sounds. my heart doesn't break every time i hear about a new baby girl. i honestly don't think about it most days. i did. but i don't now. i'm too concerned with the fact that i have three beautiful children here, and i can't mess them up. at least i'm trying not to. i think about my handsome boys when they are grown. i'll have a paleontologist, a police officer (or rock star) and a dr? i'll get to have 3 sons who think i am the most beautiful woman in the world. i'll get to have 3 boys that will be bigger than me and can do all the heavy lifting. 3 priesthood holders, 3 missionaries. i'm sure i'll get my payday when i see them experience the love from being a daddy.

i know i've mentioned this before

about how much i love/hate walmart.

they've pulled out the big guns. twice within the last month, i've been to walmart and walked out with a freebee. the 1st time was a load of harry potter rubber bracelets that they were getting rid of. we kept sending the kids by the table to snatch them. i don't know why we wanted so many, but they were free and we collect...well, we collect junk.

the second time was just me, fussy, and chilly. i was picking up a few things. i had just strapped the boys to the cart when a really sweet, really really old guy approached my un-shy and exuberant 4 year old. i thought we were already getting kicked out, like we had our pictures up in the staff room as "banned". but the really really really old man just gave my 4 year old a package of 30 cent chewing gum. juicy fruit.

yeah, they gave a small child, a 4 YEAR OLD... GUM. the kind of gum that sticks to shoes, hair, clothes, etc. i cringed. but he was very happy. they both were. so i let chilly chew.

and just as i was forgetting why i had a ban on gum, chilly started reminding me. "look mom" as he had strings of gum across his face"my bubble popped". he dropped it, he pulled and played with it, he "washed" it, folded it into his pocket. then he handed it to me.

i hate gum.

but i do have to admit that it was probably worse for walmart than it was for me. They were handing out gum to every little kid who walked through the door. i bet the guys who clean the floor loved that one.

am i a crazy mom?

i know all mom's think that their baby is the cutest. i think mine is. i wonder sometimes if he is really cute, or if i just think he is because he's mine. and then i see some pictures of him, and my heart just melts. he's an angel, that fussy of mine!

so, am i crazy, or is this baby scrumptious?

waking up is hard to do

big d and i have decided to get our daily exercise done early. early am. this means i am up at 6:30, getting ready to run. this might not mean much to many of you, but for us, it's huge.

when big d and i were married, i worked part time at the library, and my earliest shift was at 10 am. big d worked downtown, and still did shows, so there were a lot of late evenings for him. i remember nights when we didn't get to bed until 2am. of course we were younger then. when we lived in nyc, it was much the same. late nights, late mornings. we'd hit our stride about 3pm.

then we got real jobs...parenting.

but still, we only occasionally braved getting up before we absolutely had to. with feeling sleep deprived anyway with a new baby, neither of us had any desire to try and function early in the day. time evolved still, 2 kids, different schedules. i remember feeling as if i were a zombie. and then three kids.

the difference, besides being used to not sleeping, is the fact that i have to get up anyway to take harry to school. so i started getting up earlier. and then it hit me, that if i got up and did my run before needing to go to school, i'd have that much more time to get things done.

but it is still hard to drag my butt out of bed before it's absolutely necessary. i must be nuts to enjoy running. i must be crazy to get out of my snuggly bed before my baby makes a peep, all in the name of torturing myself for 4 miles.

check it out

check out bigd's blog for a couple of fun videos. some of the kids, chickens, and just some silly stuff he's been doing.

i've lost it...

my mind and my links. please excuss the mess as i spiffy up my new look. and as you know how consistently i've been blogging lately, you understand that i can't remember what the heck i did.

but heres a picture of fussy at the beach on big d's birthday.

i just found it as i was cleaning the memory card from the camera. pretty darn sweet eh?

you really can do anything...

i remember being a small child. i remember not being able to read. we were driving in the car and i would look at all the signs and billboards and just wish i could read. i don't remember the day that i could read, but i remember not being able to.

i watch chilly now, as he is learning his letters and numbers. i can see that he is almost there in making that jump to reader. he spent the day yesterday drawing letters and making books, just like his brother. it was annoying, because while i was trying to get stuff done, every couple of minutes he came over and had me write something, or read something, or look at his picture.

of course after the 50 millionth time, i realized that he was writing what i had written, making the letters almost perfectly. i was pretty amazed myself. i mean, i know the kid is 4 and all, but i have not worked with him like i did with harry. he pretty much learned all this stuff himself.

now to me. i've been pretending i'm a runner for a couple of months now. i started running last year, before i got preggers with fussy. in fact, i do believe that running helped me get that way, but i'll save you the detailes...so yeah, since i had the babe, i've been really trying my hardest to not only get in shape, but to break the 10 minute mile. today i did it. i ran my first mile at 9:40, and my next at 9:30. i completed a 5k in just 30 minutes. i know this isn't amazing or anything, but to me it was. amazing because i never thought i could run. then i never thought i could run fast. bit here i am, running not fast like i dream of, but much faster than i did when i started.

i guess i just was thinking about how similar it is. learning to read, and learning to run. it both takes a lot of work. it both seems impossible when you start out, but with little bits everyday, you can get there. i hope everything is like that, i want to believe it is. just working hard, being persistent, and you can really do anything.

first day of school!

despite a baby poop blowout minutes before we had to leave, sidewalks in disrepair, and new shoes that fit a month ago, not fitting, we got to school on time. we met the new teacher, who wasn't the teacher we were planning. harry gets to go to school with his cousin, in fact, even though she is in 1st grade, and he's in 2nd, their classrooms are right next to each other.

aren't they cute? so it is back to school time at our house. and it is both sad and happy for the mommy. sad because i really do love my kids being home with me, and happy, because, well...look at how happy he is to be back at school!

and now we get to see if we like 2nd grade as much as 1st grade. wish us luck!!

harry potter funny

we took the boys to see the latest harry potter movie. Chilly wore his harry glasses, a scar, and took a wand. harry was especially giddy having just finished the book earlier in the day. it was a fun time had by all...well except fussy.

that was saturday. sunday, after church,i was getting a drink of water. i was filling up my cup at the fridge, chilly was sitting at the table. he had his wand in hand and was pointing it at me. his voice was as if he was on his deathbed...."accio drink"

it was pretty funny, and pretty cute. although it the accio spell doesn't work very well at out house. I keep trying to use it on the tv remote. of course i don't have a wand.

the truth is

i'm bored of blogging. once or twice during this week, i thought of something really clever or cute to blog about. i wasn't able to get to my computer and i totally missed the inspirational moment. and then when i do have the moment to blog, nothing clever or interesting comes to mind. not that it matters anyway. i don't think my blog is read much.

so, i'm going to take a break from blogging, that is sure to give me things to write about. if i forbid myself from something, that is what i'll want to do...right.

so stay tuned, or change the channel. whatever you like. i'm still here, but maybe i won't be either. there will be funner and witty posts ahead, or maybe i''' pack it all in and toss the key. who knows? is the suspense killing you yet?

for big d

since he's thousands of miles from home, sweating in the humidity. i just thought i'd share the picture with fussy. he misses his daddy-kins, as do we all!