ahh, fishing

what we did for labor day. the kids you don't recognize (or do you?) are my sister's kids. we didn't catch a thing. well, maybe a bit of pond scum.

it's never going to be good enough

my baby fussy is beautiful. he is sweet and charming. he's got a smile that lights people up. but he's never going to be good enough, because he's a single boy.

my sister wasn't planning on having another baby. she and her husband had been having problems. that is gently saying it. they were done. a few weeks after i get pregnant with fussy, my sister finds out she will add to her family. i'm fine with it, until the day of her ultrasound. she got a girl. my mom freaks out over girl babies. my poor baby boy. out of how many boys there are, she has a right to freak out over girls. i guess.

my sister in law tries to get pregnant for a month. she comes to me and tells me that maybe it's not meant to be. the next month she gets pregnant with twins. the day she finds out she has two boys, i see the look in my mother in laws face. sheer disappointment. no girls. but at least there are two. and they are the talk every day we walk to school. or at any family gathering. fussy is pretty much ignored, because he's only one.

i know my baby is special. but even his beautiful face, the year long struggle to even get pregnant, his gimpy hand, doesn't inspire much from his grandparents. if he is the only baby around, he'll get attention.

it sucks, i get angry about. yeah, i'm jealous. there is no way to compete. the day i found out that my sister was expecting, i begged my mom that when my sister had the girl, and i got the boy, to please not ever let my little boy feel bad, or second best. there is just no way for my sweet baby to compete. as if it's baby fighting, and i've got to put money on the one that is going to win.

i hate feeling like this. i hate being defensive about weight gain, or "tricks" he can do. can he crawl yet? is he eating solid foods yet? like he's got to "do more" because he's just one, single boy. to be wonderfully average is lacking and so overdone. he's just another boy, and both families have seen about a million of those.

crap, my feelings are out in the open. it's hard to not take it personally, but this is my kid. my baby boy. my sweet fussy. how can anyone not fall in love with him just because of who he is?

it's too quiet

it's just me and the baby tonight. big d is out camping with the boys. it's called father and sons camp out. they were very excited to go. i told big d if anything happened to my boys, it would be his fault. i don't know if he got the message.

it really feels weird to be home, pretty much alone. i've been without big d before, but never without the 3 of them. if i hadn't had the baby, i think i would have gone to the movie or actually done something. but all the same, it's really quiet and a bit unsettling.

as corny as it sounds, it really makes you think. i love the idea that big d can take the boys camping. i think it's cool for him to share something he loves with his kids. and they totally love it too. what is a little boy to do with dirt and flashlights and tents? at the same time, i feel like i am missing out. it is not because i'd rather poke my eyes out with the marshmallow roasters than go camping. sleeping on the dirty ground, shuffling towards the bottom of my sleeping bag to avoid the cold morning air is not my idea of fun. once a year is good enough for me.

being home with just fussy really throws the light on the fact that while the boys are out "roughing" it, i should be home with the girls having a manicure, or watching silly movies. my fear is that i will never get used to the sting of fate of not having any daughters. such a silly thing to mourn. i love my boys, i'm cool with being a mom of boys. i wouldn't trade one of them for a whiny, girly, GIRL. boys are so fun to have around, and to be honest, i couldn't do hair.

i never imagined my life as a mother, i never even fathomed the fact that i wouldn't have a daughter. i grew up as the youngest of three girls. too many girls. i never once thought i wouldn't have one of my own. doesn't everybody have one or two? i really don't miss out on the painting of the fingernails, or the dressing up in frilly foo. i'm okay with not having to explain the finer points in life, or having a girl look to me as an example of womanhood. but i tell you what i miss already...that friendship i have with my mom.

my own mom has become my best friend. since i married and ignored all my other friends for a good 10 years, my mom really has been there for me. she has helped me find myself. i really am grateful for the fact that she is always there with phone call when she knows i am down, or advice when i can't figure out what to do. she listens when i brag about the kids, and she calms me down when i want to run for the e.r.

nothing can compare to the relationship between a mother and a daughter. nothing is even close. mother in laws are wonderful, sharing, beautiful women. but they just don't have the history your own mom has.

i know my boys are going to grow up and marry really neat girls, and i'll end up being that crazy mother in law. i hope that i can have a relationship with my future daughter in laws. but i know it's not going to be the same. they are going to run to their own mom's when they need support, when they need help, when they have a baby. that is okay, i'm going to understand. it doesn't mean i'm not going to be jealous or sad.

i told you the house was just too quiet tonight.

it really isn't as sappy and sad as it sounds. my heart doesn't break every time i hear about a new baby girl. i honestly don't think about it most days. i did. but i don't now. i'm too concerned with the fact that i have three beautiful children here, and i can't mess them up. at least i'm trying not to. i think about my handsome boys when they are grown. i'll have a paleontologist, a police officer (or rock star) and a dr? i'll get to have 3 sons who think i am the most beautiful woman in the world. i'll get to have 3 boys that will be bigger than me and can do all the heavy lifting. 3 priesthood holders, 3 missionaries. i'm sure i'll get my payday when i see them experience the love from being a daddy.

i know i've mentioned this before

about how much i love/hate walmart.

they've pulled out the big guns. twice within the last month, i've been to walmart and walked out with a freebee. the 1st time was a load of harry potter rubber bracelets that they were getting rid of. we kept sending the kids by the table to snatch them. i don't know why we wanted so many, but they were free and we collect...well, we collect junk.

the second time was just me, fussy, and chilly. i was picking up a few things. i had just strapped the boys to the cart when a really sweet, really really old guy approached my un-shy and exuberant 4 year old. i thought we were already getting kicked out, like we had our pictures up in the staff room as "banned". but the really really really old man just gave my 4 year old a package of 30 cent chewing gum. juicy fruit.

yeah, they gave a small child, a 4 YEAR OLD... GUM. the kind of gum that sticks to shoes, hair, clothes, etc. i cringed. but he was very happy. they both were. so i let chilly chew.

and just as i was forgetting why i had a ban on gum, chilly started reminding me. "look mom" as he had strings of gum across his face"my bubble popped". he dropped it, he pulled and played with it, he "washed" it, folded it into his pocket. then he handed it to me.

i hate gum.

but i do have to admit that it was probably worse for walmart than it was for me. They were handing out gum to every little kid who walked through the door. i bet the guys who clean the floor loved that one.

am i a crazy mom?

i know all mom's think that their baby is the cutest. i think mine is. i wonder sometimes if he is really cute, or if i just think he is because he's mine. and then i see some pictures of him, and my heart just melts. he's an angel, that fussy of mine!

so, am i crazy, or is this baby scrumptious?

waking up is hard to do

big d and i have decided to get our daily exercise done early. early am. this means i am up at 6:30, getting ready to run. this might not mean much to many of you, but for us, it's huge.

when big d and i were married, i worked part time at the library, and my earliest shift was at 10 am. big d worked downtown, and still did shows, so there were a lot of late evenings for him. i remember nights when we didn't get to bed until 2am. of course we were younger then. when we lived in nyc, it was much the same. late nights, late mornings. we'd hit our stride about 3pm.

then we got real jobs...parenting.

but still, we only occasionally braved getting up before we absolutely had to. with feeling sleep deprived anyway with a new baby, neither of us had any desire to try and function early in the day. time evolved still, 2 kids, different schedules. i remember feeling as if i were a zombie. and then three kids.

the difference, besides being used to not sleeping, is the fact that i have to get up anyway to take harry to school. so i started getting up earlier. and then it hit me, that if i got up and did my run before needing to go to school, i'd have that much more time to get things done.

but it is still hard to drag my butt out of bed before it's absolutely necessary. i must be nuts to enjoy running. i must be crazy to get out of my snuggly bed before my baby makes a peep, all in the name of torturing myself for 4 miles.

check it out

check out bigd's blog for a couple of fun videos. some of the kids, chickens, and just some silly stuff he's been doing.

i've lost it...

my mind and my links. please excuss the mess as i spiffy up my new look. and as you know how consistently i've been blogging lately, you understand that i can't remember what the heck i did.

but heres a picture of fussy at the beach on big d's birthday.

i just found it as i was cleaning the memory card from the camera. pretty darn sweet eh?

you really can do anything...

i remember being a small child. i remember not being able to read. we were driving in the car and i would look at all the signs and billboards and just wish i could read. i don't remember the day that i could read, but i remember not being able to.

i watch chilly now, as he is learning his letters and numbers. i can see that he is almost there in making that jump to reader. he spent the day yesterday drawing letters and making books, just like his brother. it was annoying, because while i was trying to get stuff done, every couple of minutes he came over and had me write something, or read something, or look at his picture.

of course after the 50 millionth time, i realized that he was writing what i had written, making the letters almost perfectly. i was pretty amazed myself. i mean, i know the kid is 4 and all, but i have not worked with him like i did with harry. he pretty much learned all this stuff himself.

now to me. i've been pretending i'm a runner for a couple of months now. i started running last year, before i got preggers with fussy. in fact, i do believe that running helped me get that way, but i'll save you the detailes...so yeah, since i had the babe, i've been really trying my hardest to not only get in shape, but to break the 10 minute mile. today i did it. i ran my first mile at 9:40, and my next at 9:30. i completed a 5k in just 30 minutes. i know this isn't amazing or anything, but to me it was. amazing because i never thought i could run. then i never thought i could run fast. bit here i am, running not fast like i dream of, but much faster than i did when i started.

i guess i just was thinking about how similar it is. learning to read, and learning to run. it both takes a lot of work. it both seems impossible when you start out, but with little bits everyday, you can get there. i hope everything is like that, i want to believe it is. just working hard, being persistent, and you can really do anything.

first day of school!

despite a baby poop blowout minutes before we had to leave, sidewalks in disrepair, and new shoes that fit a month ago, not fitting, we got to school on time. we met the new teacher, who wasn't the teacher we were planning. harry gets to go to school with his cousin, in fact, even though she is in 1st grade, and he's in 2nd, their classrooms are right next to each other.

aren't they cute? so it is back to school time at our house. and it is both sad and happy for the mommy. sad because i really do love my kids being home with me, and happy, because, well...look at how happy he is to be back at school!

and now we get to see if we like 2nd grade as much as 1st grade. wish us luck!!

harry potter funny

we took the boys to see the latest harry potter movie. Chilly wore his harry glasses, a scar, and took a wand. harry was especially giddy having just finished the book earlier in the day. it was a fun time had by all...well except fussy.

that was saturday. sunday, after church,i was getting a drink of water. i was filling up my cup at the fridge, chilly was sitting at the table. he had his wand in hand and was pointing it at me. his voice was as if he was on his deathbed...."accio drink"

it was pretty funny, and pretty cute. although it the accio spell doesn't work very well at out house. I keep trying to use it on the tv remote. of course i don't have a wand.

the truth is

i'm bored of blogging. once or twice during this week, i thought of something really clever or cute to blog about. i wasn't able to get to my computer and i totally missed the inspirational moment. and then when i do have the moment to blog, nothing clever or interesting comes to mind. not that it matters anyway. i don't think my blog is read much.

so, i'm going to take a break from blogging, that is sure to give me things to write about. if i forbid myself from something, that is what i'll want to do...right.

so stay tuned, or change the channel. whatever you like. i'm still here, but maybe i won't be either. there will be funner and witty posts ahead, or maybe i''' pack it all in and toss the key. who knows? is the suspense killing you yet?

for big d

since he's thousands of miles from home, sweating in the humidity. i just thought i'd share the picture with fussy. he misses his daddy-kins, as do we all!

the first and the last

the first day of 1st grade. July 25th, 2006:

the last day of 1st grade. June 29, 2007:

what a difference a year makes. like i said in the previous post, i can't believe how much he has grown up.

i have a seven year old...

harry had a birthday. he's seven now. i was completely overwhelmed by birthday parties and family in town, fireworks, and making slime. see, we had a friend birthday party that morning with kids from his class. it was harry potter themed, so we "learned" in different "classes" how to do stuff. we had a care of magical creatures class, where the 7 year-old's chased chickens. we had a divination class, where they played memory with words and pictures. and a potions class where we mixed baking soda and vinegar and let it explode all over the table. and then we made slime out of glue and borax. it was a blast.

then we had a birthday party that evening with cousins and other family. pandemonium. we had family in town. i don't think our small house had ever had that many people crammed into it. then we went to our local town's firework celebration. throw in there a parade, a park festival, finding a cake. it was a full day.

and on that note of 7, my 7 year old is on his last week of school. finally. but as i watched him leave this morning, something my mother in law said when she was teaching first grade hit me..."we get them as little kids, and by the end of the year, they turn into big kids". i see a struggle inside him. a struggle between messing around and being responsible. he can be totally crazy, chasing his little brother around, and then he'll be scolding his little brother and being "too cool" for doing something similar. it is so much fun to see him grow up. and he has done a lot of that this year.

he is such a monkey. occasionally he still gets hurt and cries for mom. but he climbs tree's like a true kid. he has a passion for it, so i just don't watch him all the time, lest i worry or yell at him. he needs the adventure of it.

he played machine pitch baseball this year. he spent the majority of the games getting pointers on how to hit the ball. but when he finally did hit the ball, you could see on his face...he really loved it, and he accomplished it himself. he went 6 games without a single hit, and he still loved going to his games. he never gave up. what a great life lesson for all of us.

so i guess i should stop bragging about him, but as i mentioned to my mom yesterday, fussy is my easiest kid right now. with harry, i am being constantly thrown off balance. he will cry like a little kid about something really silly; be mature and understanding two minutes later about something i was sure was going to upset him. it seems being a mom gets harder in some ways the older they get.

it's not that I have forgotten you

or that I don't have anything blog worthy happening in my life. The thing is, I haven't had time to sit down and actually type anything out for the longest time. My time is gettign sucked away to family things, baby things, garden things, church things, school things. mostly family and baby things.

our house flooded a couple of weeks back. again. we had a nice rainstorm and our sump pump stuck itself in off position. so while I could have blogged about how it SUCKS royal to tear the basement up, do about 20 loads of laundry (from all the baby clothes stuck down there), meanwhile trying to keep fussy...well...trying to keep fussy happy.

I could have blogged about how school is almost out. almost. or I could have written about seeing my long lost uncle from california. Or about my inlaws visit to see the twins blessing. or my nieces baptism. but I didn't. mostly because i'm tired. tired of getting harry out of bed in the morning, tired of the inlaws visiting and making us feel very unimportant, and tired of the fact that I won't ever get to do what my sister did. get her baby girl ready for baptism. (insert crying face here)

or i could really blog about my blisters. i've got two right now that are killing me. i know that is boring and terrible and i'm just complaining. but it is making it hard to enjoy the run that i want to run on saturday, but i won't because it is harry's birthday. make sense. yeah i know. it is bedtime. the boys are all upstairs and i think big d is worn out too.

which leads me to what i really should have blogged about. fathers. how great big d is to his kids. how much i love him and all he does. especially when he takes a good long turn with fussy and lets me cool off.

and my own daddy. the guy that taught me a lot about how to treat people. the guy who will drop anything and come to the rescue when his daughter's basement floods. that and he makes big d feel right at home.

so my hat is off to my favorite fathers in my life. thanks for all you do.

and for all my faithful readers, sorry this break was so long. i hope to get back in the pool, or on the wagon, or whatever.

fussy happy

i survived the birthday

chilly's birthday party was today. originally when big d and i started having kids, we thought it would be cool to always celebrate their birthday on the actual day. and we have. this year though, i was really hoping for a saturday or friday because i knew the boys would be wound up, and never go to bed. but yeah, last saturday big d had to work, this saturday we have both a baptism and a family reunion. friday is a ball game for harry. there was nothing else to do but to actually celebrate it on the day.

we also decided a while ago that the kids would get a friend birthday party every other year, starting at age five./ but i really wanted some friends over for chilly. i held tight to the rule though...mostly because of the fact that his birthday was on a thursday.

so without that..or with that, here's my little 4 year old...

yes, he had a pirate birthday and here he is as captain jack sparrow. again i'm not thrilled with the idea, but what do you do? i'm too lazy to interest him in other things, so he is now all pirated up.

it's pretty cute. so we've a pirate in our family. i want to say thanks to my parents who braved the traffic to see a little boy and eat some bad cake (which i didn't get a picture of, but it was cool.) and thanks to my brother in law who brought his kids and endured flighty me. and to my sister in law, who brought her girls, and left the boys at home (dang her).

oh and here's some pictures of fussy...well..because he's too cute to resist.

happy birthday Chilly

for a fun read about his birth, from last year

http://meemersworld.blogspot.com/2006/05/happy-birthday-chilly.html

VIOLET

You surround yourself with art and music and are constantly driven to express yourself. You often daydream. You prefer honesty in your relationships and believe strongly in your personal morals.

Find out your color at QuizMeme.com!

this is me

my journal

So my calling is in the young women's. and this Sunday the lesson is on journals. uhh, this is my journal. would you let strangers read your journal?

It seems crazy that i have been doing this for well over a year now. And it has been a crazy year, what with having a baby and all. I think if you read it from start to finish you would understand a bit of my feelings that I've run across this past year. everything from depression, disappointment to ultimate love and devotion. crazy stories, funny stories. boring and depressing posts.

it really is amazing how much a person can change in a year. maybe it isn't always a good change. sometimes things come at you and hit you right hard, and it takes a while to get over it. sometimes you don't ever get over it, you just find a new normal. I wonder if that is what i am doing?

so yeah, this post has no point really, just a bit of self reflection. maybe a time to take stock and figure out where I want to be this time next year. a little wiser, a little kinder, a little skinnier, a little happier. that would be good.

this bites

This whole tonsilectomy thing sucks. The poor kid can't drink, eat, or speak. I'm dying here. I've got my fussy baby, and now this almost 4 year old is completely dependant on me feeding him water through a syringe.

His medicine is yucky, and he won't take it willingly, he's really dehydrated, to the point of me wondering how late the er is open. And he is freaking grumpy. My happy child is a pain in the butt. I know, I know, he is in serious pain, but it has been 7 days and he still feels like this?

So yeah, not only are we tired over here, but we are sick and tired of this. damn you doctors for slicing him open, and shame on me for thinking I needed to do it.

Sorry Chilly. I wish I could take this pain away from you.

surgery

I didn't think we were actually going to do it. I mean, we had the appointment and all. We had worked it out with the insurance. We had it marked on the calendar. But for some reason I didn't REALLY think that poor chilly was going to have to get his tonsils out.

I was pretty much freaked out. I mean, the last surgery he had was pretty scary for me. He was only 20 months old. Having to take your baby to the children's hospital and have them cut, sew and put him under was pretty scary. So naturally, I though this time was going to be the same way.

We got an early appointment. Good for him. We were up early and to the surgical center before any of us was missing breakfast. Chilly was fine. he was even excited. He got to wear funny pajamas and ride on a big bed. He got a coloring book and stickers. and then they wheeled him down the hall by himself. He was fine.

I got back into the car and hurried home to be with Fussy. my mom had come over to watch him, so I nursed him. Or at least tried too. And about 10 minutes later Big d called and said he was done, out of surgery. A total of 30 minutes! So I raced back to be with Chilly as he was coming out of the anesthetic.

He was okay. In a bit of pain. He was a bit drugged. They gave him some morphine, and some zofran. After about an hour of fighting with the tubes and such, the nice nurse took the iv out and we came home. He layed on the couch for a few hours and then was fine. He was up playing around. and he even ate 2 corn dogs.

Slowly he has gotten worse each day. Today, Wednesday, has been the worst morning. He hurts. I wish I could take that pain away from him and have his throat healed. But I can't. I can just fight him to give him his lortab and try and get him to drink.

I hope we did the right thing, and this will actually help. The doctor said his tonsils were huge. So I can imagine that they were in the way for small things like breathing or eating. It is just hard to see your kid in pain.