this kid

is the perfect mix of boy. he drives me crazy, he is adorable, he is silly, and altogether one of the most fun kids ever. is it because he is the baby and always will be? or is he really that cool?

if you can't say anything nice...

" your baby girl is so cute" (me, just being nice, ya know)

"oh i know, she is a perfect baby"(clueless person)

"that is nice" (me again, nodding my head absently, knowing full well that babies are soul suckers)

"yeah, you really should have a girl"

"yeah, you really should lose 10 pounds"

i mean, really, how do you know what has happened in my life? do you know how long it takes me to get pregnant, how do you know i haven't had my own share of loss, how do you know it has been a long road to get the kids that i actually have here?

and what is the big deal? is there something that says girl babies are better than boys? what if i really like having boys. am i really missing out? and what does that mean, i "need" to have one. am i not complete without a daughter? and do you know if i haven't tried?

i know it isn't said with malicious intent, but i am so done with people assuming my fertility or my reproductive organs are their business.

workin' hard, or hardly workin'?

i know, i'm an inconsistent blogger recently. i've been really trying to figure out a way to blog when i'm asleep, seeing that i might have something interesting to say, and the time to do it. basically big d and i have been either going crazy working on the roadshow or we are waiting to be working on the roadshow. our kids have been at the church for hours at a time. as have we.

so if you have been wondering what all is happening in our lives, and why haven't i said much of anything, well, there you have it.

my niece did take the boys to a movie on saturday, which was really nice of her. i think they saw the monster alien thing. at least from what they have been saying. it really makes no sense when a 5 year old tries to explain something funny he saw in a movie. the two year old has been sick for about a month now. in fact, this morning he woke up bright and early puking. which, of course, was true to form. he has been waking us up every morning at 3am coughing and gaging. he continued to puke for a couple of hours.

and the older kids are off track for one more week. yes, i do know that is the reason the weather has been so cruddy lately. my kids are off track and bored and house bound. wouldn't it be nice to have warm weather... it would be nice for the wasatch back training too.

speaking of, i did a 15 miler training run in the rain on saturday. now if that isn't crazy, i'm not sure what is.

so there you have it. reasons my house is completly a mess, the kids are completly grumpy, and i'm just worn out.

economic recession?

it's a sure sign of our economic problem. today, while cashing a check at the bank, i was denied suckers for my kids. is it time to change banks? or is this frugality a good thing?

easter dog again

what happens when the 8 year old takes the camera

fussy in real life

good, bad, better...

the good news is that harry doesn't need a cast, or crutches or anything like that. he might have some weird thing where his tendon is stronger than his bone, thus creating pain when he is crazy and wild and running. which is most of the time. when he's not playing video games or teasing his brothers. or being the good kid that he is and helping me out. but really, most of the time he is crazy.

the bad news is, fussy has reason to be. in fact, i feel sort of bad now, cuz i can really see the symptoms. i know, hindsight=20/20 vision. but still. remember this post? well, i should have known. double ear infections. and he's been fighting it pretty hard. he actually puked this morning, and hasn't had a good nights sleep (insert my name at the good night sleep thing too) for a couple of days...weeks...whatever.

and the even better news? i absolutely adore my pediatrician. well, he's not mine, but, ya know, my kids? anyway, ONE copay, and he offered to look in fussy's ears. how sweet is that? he's a good doctor and even though i have to go through 2 cities to get to where he is, it's totally worth it.

cleaning off the memory card

apparently my harry has fun with train track. he took these pictures:

and then he had taco take this one, it says, "i made this"

and i took this one as proof to the wildlife we have in our yard. yup, that is some sort of big foul bird. and the dog was where? sleeping on the couch.

so we did this to her. she is greener than the grass. yeah, i know. it's a tradition now. let's dye the dog for easter!

we've had a rough day today. fussy woke up really frustrated. i think he gets upset because i don't understand everything he has to say. but there was something more. he was just, mad with me.

i took the boys off to school, and then fuss and i hit a couple of stores, looking for some things we needed. he was upset the whole time. i found myself getting more frustrated as the time went on. i knew most of it was because people would stop and stare, and a lot of it was because my patience was at an end. two year-olds can be very trying.

by the time we got home, he was done. nothing was right. he wanted me to play with him, but he didn't want me on the ground, he didn't want me to hold him, he didn't want me to touch him, but he wanted me right there. i couldn't move, he was mad and throwing toys. it was a typical 2 year old tantrum. no matter what i did, it was wrong. no matter what i said, he tried to hit my face. i couldn't calm him down, or make him happy.

it's times like this, i just sit him on the ground and let him scream. i sit him in the corner, take his toys and walk away. he knows i mean business, but it is still hard. he's my baby, and while i am used to him fussing at me, i'm not used to him being completely out of control.

i had to go pick up kids from kindy and i put him in the van without his shoes. he was still upset from the time out, so this started him screaming again. nothing i did helped. i'm sure i made things worse. so again, i set him down and let him fuss when we got home.

at lunch, he wanted to eat, but he wanted me to hold him. he wanted to eat something else, he wanted to get down. he wanted something i wasn't even sure of. so again, he became so upset and screamed. and again, i set him down and let him.

after each time of letting him fuss out, he would let me hold him and comfort him. and he would wrap his little arms around my neck and snuggle his snotty nose right into me. i think he would tell me he was sorry. i think he told me "i love you mommy" but he had those little hiccups, i'm not sure what he said.

it's so true though. sometimes we all have to just let it all out. i know that fussy wasn't trying to make me sad, or hurt or angry. i know he wasn't trying to make me frustrated. he was having a hard time himself. maybe he didn't really like the way i dressed him today. maybe i didn't feed him enough for breakfast. maybe i made him mad when i set him in the shopping cart. maybe i didn't listen enough, or treat him like the smart boy he is. but it came to a point that nothing i could do was going to do any good. i had to walk away and let him figure himself out.

maybe that isn't the right way to do it. maybe i should have just shut him up. maybe i should have held him tight until he couldn't breath and made him more angry and more resentful. maybe i should have tried to fix everything i could think of, even after i made sure he was okay. i think the hardest part really was setting him down and letting him cry. and not being able to fix whatever was bugging him.

this could just be me, trying to see the good in dealing with a really moody and grumpy 2 year old. i think it is good to know that sometimes we all just have to get it out, so we can move on. it might take 2 or 3 times of getting it out. it might take a couple of years of getting it out. but, i think, as long as we are free to scream and kick and cry it all out, whatever it might be, and then be able to go back to those who pick us up and love us, then we can move on and heal. maybe there isn't a single thing anybody can do to make us feel better. we might even have to kick and scream loud enough so everyone else has to endure it too. it might just be something we have to work through, but by having someone right there after we have got it all out, maybe that is what love is.