Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I just seem to not do anything right

Maybe I am an extreme case, I don't know. Have you ever felt that no matter what you do, you just can't win.

I guess I am a very passionate person. I get excited about things, I get depressed about things. I guess there is no middle ground with me. I go through spurts where my family annoys me, or big d's family drive me crazy. But I honestly do care about them.

That is what makes it hard when I offend someone. If I am excited about something, I like to share. Sure, maybe it isn't my business to share others good fortune, but when so little happens to me, I guess I just want a small piece of it. And if I don't share, but am more concerned, then, well, then there are other issues.

So where does this leave me? Besides being an outsider? Obviously I set my standards for other peoples' behavior way to high. Am I too selfish, too demanding?

It is like the day you realize that your parents are human. That they do make mistakes, and that some mistakes were probably made while they were raising you. Sure your children are not perfect, because they don't know any better, but how can adults, who know right and wrong, how can they be so stubborn as to not change their behavior?

It seems life's little ups and downs have been trudging right over me. As soon as I scrape myself out of one pit, I am thrust back down into the next. Maybe I should just get a shovel and tunnel my way though life. Blocking my view of anything good, just slinging mud and dirt with every inch forward.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Saturdays. One of the ironies of life-

Not only did big d have to get up and go to work this morning, for some reason, every saturday, the boys seem to wake up, unassisted and have the need to play. Now don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with them playing, or even the loud yelling of "wake up". I just don't get it. Every other day of the week, when school is in session, I end up scrambling to get my 1st grader out of bed. I use all the tactics my mom did. Some mornings he budges, others he yells. It's a battle of wills I guess, and I know it is my punishment for what I did to my own mother.

But saturdays, well, the boys can be up and early to school, if school was in session, fully dressed and well fed on candy snitched out of the cupboard. So I asked Harry why.

"because we know we can play on saturday"

It isn't early morning cartoons, or the fact that we get to go to our ward's trunk or treat later, it is just simple play time that rouses them before my neighbors roosters.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

why is it??

that the first born can get a sick that makes him sleep all day. And the second born will get the same thing, and yet be awake and ready for entertainment? And I believe it is only because I had about 2 hours of sleep last night, and could really, really use a nap.

The end of the line

I was the end of the line for my parents. When my mom birthed me, she almost gave her life. The doctor stopped short of asking my father who he was supposed to save, the baby or his wife. I'm a miracle. A blessing to be here.

My brother is the oldest, then my two sisters, and then me. Each with about 4 years between us. I, of course, was supposed to be the second boy, not the third girl. My parents never threw that in my face, but it was every day inferred. Not because they didn't love me, but because I think, they were done with raising girls. (Interestingly enough, girls have now become the treasured grandchildren at my mom's house. Mostly because they are outnumbered by boys 5-1.)

Also in my family, I have been the only one to really "have religion". My dad is an self-proclaimed atheist, although my mom does now hold down a calling, she had been inactive for most of my life. My oldest sister was sealed to her husband a year after they were married, but they have become lax and sway with the worldly winds. Both my brother and my sister are free spirits, with no thought to rules or guidelines. Morality on my siblings part, was pretty sketchy growing up.

I am not saying that I was a perfect child. I was close, but surely not as perfect as it seemed. I had my own rites of passage, and I have my own tattoo. But considering the amount of positive example given in my life, I think I turned out better than could be hoped for.

So is it any wonder that I go through my own moments of self-doubt. Moments lacking of testimony, or of determination. Some days staying in bed would be ideal. I make too many mistakes. I don't have the courage, the drive, to fight the fight.

I have been trying my entire life to please my parents. There was always something there that I didn't understand, something that I could never overcome. I didn't know what it was, until that moment I found out that I was carrying my third boy. All the dissapointment, all the frustration, anger, it all came out. And the only thought I had, was that my parents felt this same way when I was born.

This pregnancy has been the end of the line for me. There is no way I want to ever do this again. With all the work that went into getting pregnant, and all the prayers, the sacrifices that we went through, it doesn't change the fact that I have been sick, daily puking. That my back hasn't ever been the same, that veins that are supposed to stay inside the skin, have made themselves public. I am constantly tired, worn out. Achy. But that is all small potatoes. The biggest problem; I am depressed. It has been a journey of self discovery, and a light bulb moment.

With Harry, I had post-partum depression. I had thoughts about hurting myself, and my baby. I let the ugly girl from the back row in my subconscious rule out the other nice girls on the front row. She was mean, and scary, a dictator, and I was a different person. When I couldn't get pregnant, the ugly girl started in on me again, so when finaly, the positive test came up, I thought she was beaten down for good. But guess what, she has always been there, she just was quietly waiting her time out, and with recent events in my life, she is back with a vengeance.

Physically, emotionally, mentally I cannot do this again. I can't fight within myself. So dear third boy, you are the end of the line, and I hope that I don't make you feel inferior, or lacking. I hope I can give you enough of whatever is left in me, that makes you know that you are still wanted.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

So another example of how kids can be different.

Child #1- eats fruits and vegetables sparingling. Heck, he eats everything sparingly. He's a lightweight. He eats like a bird. He doesn't drink milk. that sort of thing. I pack his lunch for school because I know what he'll eat, and it isn't school lunch. Picky.

Child #2- He's a monster. He eats all day. constantly. And the words I hear out of his mouth most often "can I have some chocolate milk please?" Yeah, thanks granma for hooking him up with that one. He's addicted. The kid has about 5 more pounds to go until he catches up with his brother who is three years older. seriously. But he loves his apples, two or three a day. I suspect it balances out the milk addiction. He eats sweets like his brother, but is just as content to eat fruit or vegetables. Give him some broccolli and he'll be just as happy as if you gave him a sucker (well almost, he isn't dense). But there is always something traveling to his mouth. I guess that is why he used to eat dirt and sand.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

meet baby number 3

we did it. We decided to peek. After two surprises at birth, we decided to look to see what gender we are going to be blessed with.

This one looks like the baby already has a preference for thumbs.

Here we are with a look at the general cozy-ness of the womb. Good thing the kid is flexible. future gymnist?

And here is the between the legs shot, and as you can clearly see, this one has external plumbing! clear as day...well, clear as static tv.

And the freebe that they did for us. 3d ultrasound (or is it 4d?) is really cool. You can totally see the babe sucking his thumb!

much to the delight of our family, here is boy number three, arriving sometime this winter.

Monday, October 09, 2006

It really doesn't matter if you win or loose...

as long as you get further than Boston.

Still, it would have been nice to see the Yanks get past the first round. HOWEVER, I firmly believe that baseball has been fixed. I mean...Detroit? I'm telling you, next year the favorite will be the Royals with the best record in baseball.

And it kinda sucks too, because we don't have cable or a baby named espn. So we have to get our baseball from regular TV. *gasp* So the question is, how can the baseball playoffs be like the last thing you can find without having to first endure football, nascar and golf?
"you know, you have to be good for Santa to bring you presents" I tell Harry as we are walking around walmart, looking at the various gruesome halloween gore.

"yeah, when you are good Santa will bring you toys!!" He tells his brother with excitement

"And what if you are bad?" I ask.

"He brings you clothes"

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Do you want to have a discussion?

We live in perilous times, that is for certain. Whether or not you agree with me on my religious front, or not, you must agree that our world is vastly changed morally from what it was 20-30 years ago. You must also agree that something big is coming.

Now with all due respect to my last post, this isn't personal. Knowledge can be dangerous. Knowledge can be frightening. But how many of us want to turn a blind eye to what is really going on? How can we protect our families?

Our Prophet encourages us to have at least a year supply of food. I agree, and in fact, I plan on working on mine more earnestly. We have been taught to become more self-reliant, to garden, to can, to learn to sew. Baking bread, using our food storage. Do learning these things make us a super mom? I disagree, these are things that are going to keep our children fed during a time when food may be scarce. And I don't' think a major tsunami is going to wipe out our food supply. But how could food in the most powerful country ever become scarce?

Consider this...War with Iraq. As everyone knows, but not everyone agrees, we went to war on a lie. Our great nation is in the middle east for some other reason rather than terrorists. Do you have any idea what this would be? Money or ...Oil maybe?

Consider this...Oil reserves in this country peaked in the 1970's. Does anybody remember those history lessons about the long lines and gas hoarding? What happens when oil production peaks? Well, it goes down hill. Isn't it strange that we don't drill in our own country anymore? Isn't it strange that we rely heavily on imported oil?

Consider this...Our government put us at war with an oil rich country on purpose, our goal is not democracy, but domination.

Are you scared yet?

This my friends is that red pill. That moment of discovery. And it doesn't end with the thought of conspiracy theories that make you go hmm. For a while now, I have been on a path that makes me question our own government in it's official explanation of the 9/11 attacks. I've already swallowed that red pill, and I know many people have. It is out there, easy for anyone to find.

But I feel I've only scratched the surface. this is the real catch.

How many of us gritted our teeth when gas shot up to over $3.00 a gallon? But how many of us demanded an explanation from our federal government? Did the recent price jump set us off talking about hybrid cars and alternative fuels?

Consider this...Not only are we completely dependent on oil for transportation, we are dependent on oil for production. From processed foods, to plastic, to electronics, to electricity. Fossil fuels provide our entire spectrum of energy. No matter if you heat your home with natural gas, or electricity. Our fossil fuels are peaked or will peak soon. We are on the very edge of a global disaster. And being the most powerful country in the world, we have a reason to fear the most.

Our economy will crumble. Not only will we be unable to get food to our table, we will be unable to grow food without the pesticides and fertilizers derived from our petroleum products. Our farm equipment will fail. Our factories will close. The industrial age will be over, and back to the dark ages we go. And that isn't even the worst case scenario.

So, you don't believe me. Surely our government would tell us about this. If there is anything I encourage more, it is to find out for yourself. With any question, with any problem, there are resources out there. And it is a whole lot easier than doing that report in 6th grade. Just do some looking on line.


So what do you think?

Monday, October 02, 2006

Isn't it funny

How quickly life can change? How in just a single minute, your future will never be the same as the one you planned or thought out? In one short second, you can hold the world, and in the next, it is gone, like a misty dream as you are waking out of sleep. One minute you are on solid ground, and the next, you are on a high wire balancing your family on your head.

And like pandora's box, it can't ever be shut again. You can never go back to that dream once you've woken up. It is like the red and blue pills in that one movie, you know, where he wakes up and finds himself in a different reality, only this one is the "real" one.

There are days when I wish I could go back to my dream world. Days where being a mom is too hard. And then there are days where it feels like being a mom is a dream, and I know that the real world is harsh and cold, and I don't really want to be there.

But these moments of discovery are immanent. These moments happen. You can't control them, they just are. And I guess the bigger question is "what next?". How do you take this new information, this new perspective, and create a new future for yourself?