Thursday, February 26, 2009

the really hard thing about raising three boys

besides the comments
the stares
the feeling of inadequacy
all the toilet issues
the mess
the lack of concentration
all the innapropriate sounds
the smelly-ness
the can't-sit-still ness
the overwhelming color of blue

is the fact that they all want the same toy. and it can't be divided in 3.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

letting them go

mornings with school children can be crazy. this was no exception. we were rushing to get out the door. i was handing harry his backpack, and shooing taco to the van. fussy started fussing, and i reached down to pick him up as i was descending down the stairs in the garage. i picked him up because i knew it would quiet him, and since it takes him forever to go down the stairs, to the van, and to his seat by himself, i prefer to actually get to school on time.

i went down the cement stairs. it just so happens that the act of picking fussy up, threw off my balance. as i was twisting and trying to save my landing, i found out that an extra 25 pounds on my left hip really didn't help at all. in fact that 25 pounds is precious to me, and as i was trying to save him from cracking his head on the concrete floor, he actually did crack his head on the concrete floor. along with my left elbow and my left knee. and my pride.

fussy was half in my arms screaming. of course he was, he just smacked his head on the dirty garage cement. i was pissed because i was hurting too. i knew my elbow was going to bruise, and i knew my knee was hurt. however injured i was, it was time to go to school. so holding fussy, we got up and took the kids to school.

i was thinking about it later while i was running. with every step, my knee throbbed, not because i had messed it up, but because i had skinned it, and my pants were chaffing the raw skin. with every throb, i kept thinking of my blunder, and wondering what i should have done.

i mean, we've all done that. we've all missed the bottom step. even more so, we've probably all done it with a child in our arms. i kept wondering if i hadn't picked him up, but took his hand instead, or if i dropped him as i was falling...he might have just dropped to his butt and therefore not hit his head, and i could have regained my balance.

it makes you think. sometimes we work so hard to protect our kids, that in the end, we end up hurting them more. and we come out worse for it as well.

i've felt that way a lot, like my butt has hit the ground. or that i have been dropped. but i do know that the more we let go, the more our kids have to grow (or in my case, actually walk to the van). i guess it's really all a balancing act between knowing when to make them walk, and knowing when to carry them along. i do find that the times that i carry them, are for my own selfish reasons. it seems a little walking is the best parenting a parent can do.

we are all fine. a goose-egg appeared for a couple of minutes, and his name IS fussy, but he is now his normal sweet fussy self. even though i am paid and training for my race this summer, i don't have a good enough injury to actually stop me running, even if i wanted too.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

letting it go

when i was in high school, i had big ambitions. most of which did not involve shuttling kids to and from school, changing runny diapers, or fixing daily meals that have lost all spark. my goals and desires were much broader, much more interesting, and i though, much more realistic.

and then i grew up a just a little bit. i met big d. we met while i was doing something to take me to those goals, or ambitions. even though, at the time, i wasn't really sure that it was what i wanted. i still held on to that dream. even after we were married, and i knew it wasn't feasible, with making money, taking care of a house, and just being a married person, i still held onto those dreams.

my fantasies would resurface every couple of months. i would daydream about becoming a famous actor. months would go by and i'd day dream about being an artist, or maybe a writer. more months would go by, and i would dream about other things. mostly coinciding when i felt i wasn't being true to myself.

as i added kids, the months sort of stretched into years. most of those old dreams and desires still pop up every now and again. instead of detailed fantasies, it's just daydreams. i'd think about what i'd be doing if i were famous. definitely not changing diapers. definitely not running on a crappy treadmill in a basement that floods regularly.

instead of planning out a real plan of how to go back to school, i think about what would happen to my kids if i did right now. instead of thinking about doing more shows, i think about making dinner.

i really feel like i've lost a big part of who i am. who are we, but what we dream about, right? even though i know that isn't all the way true. i know that a bigger part of who i am now, is a result of all the choices i made. all the decisions that took me from that person who did theater, who dreamed of taking the acting for film class, to being the person who does wipe the snotty noses, who is perfectly content to snuggle on the sofa watching a movie with my kids.

when the day dreams simmer to the top, i feel a little sad. it is hard to let go of that. because it really was part of who i was. a really big bossy part. but now it's not. as if i can look back and see myself as a stranger. if the me from now, bumped into myself 10 years ago, i wouldn't recognize myself. on most days, that is totally fine.

occasionally i have a sad day. when those days pop up, it seems my kids becomes extra nice, extra sweet, extra worth it. i don't know if it is them or if it is me, seeing them in an different way, making my choices worth it. all i do know is that it does make it worth it. it does make it easier to let it go, and become really who i am now. to embrace the older and wiser me. and in a way, i wonder if i bump into myself in 10 years, if i will know exactly who i am.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

pinewood derby #1

the first of many, i'm sure.

a sampling of the cars:
a sampling of the kids
grumpy boy #3
watching the cars come down the track
the little brother who cries because his brother's car lost
grumpy boy #1
showing off that priceless smile

Friday, February 13, 2009

this kid is crazy

okay, okay, not crazy, really. just wildly inventive and imaginative.

anyway, after a resurfacing of kid dvd's that were once hidden (you know, to save a little bit of sanity on my end) this kid has been ....well....this....

yes, that is electrical tape holding his mask on. and yes, those are pajamas from this christmas, 2 years ago.

my favorite beatle gets a shave

harry before:

he had not had a hair cut for months. i loved it long and shaggy. thanks to doing the show and all that, we kept it growing. he finally got sick of it and begged for a trim.

and then after:

it's amazing what a haircut can do. he looks so much older to me, and way more serious. and yet, he reminds me of my brother...

plugged in

i was getting the pictures off the camera, when i found these. it's fussy, watching a movie on his brother's new mp3 player. i guess we teach them young at our house.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

meemer's thought for the day.

life is like a set of never ending rolling hills. i'd say it was like a roller coaster, but that is so overdone. so rolling hills it is.

anyway, on our hill journey, we come to valleys and vistas. each with their own set of problems. i for one hate the journey to the top as much as i hate actually running up hills. yet we still have to do them, right. like being pregnant for 9 months. it's killer when you want the baby right now.

and of course the drive to the bottom is always faster with gravity as our help.

and running down hill isn't as easy as i once thought. truly, on the wasatch back race i did last year, one of the hardest parts, besides puking and not sleeping, was running down that hill. most likely because my chest was full of baby milk and any sort of jiggling was torture...but i digress

back to the hills and valleys of life.

you never know REALLY where you are. it good be a great hill, or a great valley. you can't compare the future, ya know? so you have to take each day as it comes and hope you are getting the best part. and when it sucks, like today does for my family, then i have to assume that the once thought hill is really a big deep valley. but it works, right?

it's like throwing my shirt over the display on the treadmill, sometimes it's good not to know how close to the bottom we are. or how far from the top. sometime we are just trying to enjoy the downhill as much as the uphill. hoping that we can get a minute to take in the view every once in a while.

Monday, February 09, 2009

it's not the snow
nor the cold
nor the lack of sun

it's not the wind
nor the rain
nor the dead yellow grass

it's not the inside days
nor the outside toys
laying helpless under the snow

it's just that i want to go outside for a run

so maybe it is the sun
and the grass
and the toys outside

maybe it is the rain
and the snow
and the slippery roads

maybe it is pure and simple
just the fact
that winter sucks

it's long
and lonely
and boring
and slow
and full of snow

and i'm stuck inside
on my treadmill

Thursday, February 05, 2009

super human

the thermometer read 45 degrees today at 11am. i fixed 4 bike tires and a jogger stroller. and off we went.

do you know how hard it is to run when you are constantly watching for two boys who haven't ridden a bike all winter?

we stopped a lot. to look at weeds, ice puddles, dog poop, and other assorted things. we stopped even more than i do when i am on the treadmill, and they interrupt every half mile or so. taco at one point mentioned he MUST have superpowers because he was going so fast. (by the way, he was also wearing his spiderman costume)

it was a lot more fun. it was fun to see them feed the horses. it was fun to see them working really hard to speed past me. and it was fun to watch taco pull into the driveway, thoroughly exhausted from peddling for over 6 miles.

it's inspiring to see them do more, or go beyond, what they think they can. i felt bad for pushing them that last mile. i know we could have walked back home. but i kept them going. i kept telling them it was a shortcut and we'd be home in a couple of minutes. maybe it looks bad on me, although, i can tell you, that when i told them they just went over 6 miles, they looked pretty much amazed. like they can do anything. i think it is a great lesson for them, and for me.

yes, son, you really do have superpowers.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

everyday i come to my blog. almost every day i try to think of something worth while to blog about. since i decided to take a break, i haven't been able to have one good blogging thought come into my head.

it's weird how that works. because i wasn't really consistent, and i blogged about a bunch of lame things. but now, lame doesn't even pop into my head.

the first week, i had a couple of thoughts, mostly grumpy ramblings. but now, nothing. it's like the inner blogger has been silenced. or maybe i'm just tired.

i guess it's like doing math homework, the more consistent you are, the better your brain works. hopefully if i get back into the swing of things, i can remember why i started this whole thing anyway.

as for the news:

fussy did turn two. and i need a new name for him. maybe something like "stinky", because he always is. maybe "yes-he-is-still-nursing" or maybe "terror of his brothers". maybe "doesn't sleep through the night yet".

his birthday was lame too. not only did we have a party planned and bought for, he came down with this really crappy sick that prevented sleep, cleaning, or fun family gatherings. he did get a present, but i didn't wrap it. i just sort of threw it at him during a temper tantrum.

now i have his cold, and his sunny disposition.

as for the rest of us, the big boys are still off track. meaning they are fighting hourly, messing up the house, and begging for food. that is about to end though, with the beginning of next week. and then i can go back to the quiet house for at least a couple of hours during the day. (and the three trips to the school)

and curse the groundhog. i am still praying for an early spring.