Monday, April 06, 2009

we've had a rough day today. fussy woke up really frustrated. i think he gets upset because i don't understand everything he has to say. but there was something more. he was just, mad with me.

i took the boys off to school, and then fuss and i hit a couple of stores, looking for some things we needed. he was upset the whole time. i found myself getting more frustrated as the time went on. i knew most of it was because people would stop and stare, and a lot of it was because my patience was at an end. two year-olds can be very trying.

by the time we got home, he was done. nothing was right. he wanted me to play with him, but he didn't want me on the ground, he didn't want me to hold him, he didn't want me to touch him, but he wanted me right there. i couldn't move, he was mad and throwing toys. it was a typical 2 year old tantrum. no matter what i did, it was wrong. no matter what i said, he tried to hit my face. i couldn't calm him down, or make him happy.

it's times like this, i just sit him on the ground and let him scream. i sit him in the corner, take his toys and walk away. he knows i mean business, but it is still hard. he's my baby, and while i am used to him fussing at me, i'm not used to him being completely out of control.

i had to go pick up kids from kindy and i put him in the van without his shoes. he was still upset from the time out, so this started him screaming again. nothing i did helped. i'm sure i made things worse. so again, i set him down and let him fuss when we got home.

at lunch, he wanted to eat, but he wanted me to hold him. he wanted to eat something else, he wanted to get down. he wanted something i wasn't even sure of. so again, he became so upset and screamed. and again, i set him down and let him.

after each time of letting him fuss out, he would let me hold him and comfort him. and he would wrap his little arms around my neck and snuggle his snotty nose right into me. i think he would tell me he was sorry. i think he told me "i love you mommy" but he had those little hiccups, i'm not sure what he said.

it's so true though. sometimes we all have to just let it all out. i know that fussy wasn't trying to make me sad, or hurt or angry. i know he wasn't trying to make me frustrated. he was having a hard time himself. maybe he didn't really like the way i dressed him today. maybe i didn't feed him enough for breakfast. maybe i made him mad when i set him in the shopping cart. maybe i didn't listen enough, or treat him like the smart boy he is. but it came to a point that nothing i could do was going to do any good. i had to walk away and let him figure himself out.

maybe that isn't the right way to do it. maybe i should have just shut him up. maybe i should have held him tight until he couldn't breath and made him more angry and more resentful. maybe i should have tried to fix everything i could think of, even after i made sure he was okay. i think the hardest part really was setting him down and letting him cry. and not being able to fix whatever was bugging him.

this could just be me, trying to see the good in dealing with a really moody and grumpy 2 year old. i think it is good to know that sometimes we all just have to get it out, so we can move on. it might take 2 or 3 times of getting it out. it might take a couple of years of getting it out. but, i think, as long as we are free to scream and kick and cry it all out, whatever it might be, and then be able to go back to those who pick us up and love us, then we can move on and heal. maybe there isn't a single thing anybody can do to make us feel better. we might even have to kick and scream loud enough so everyone else has to endure it too. it might just be something we have to work through, but by having someone right there after we have got it all out, maybe that is what love is.


Laurel said...

My dear...what could you possibly be inferring? ;) It's comforting to know you think as deeply as you do.

Megan said...

Ah man, I've definitely had those days before. It's so frustrating when you can't do anything right. I think you are one fantastic momma, and I love your insight. You are so right. So right. I <3 you!