welcome fall

i'm not much for remembering the seasons. i notice when the flowers start to pop up in the spring, i get excited for the first snowfall. i am in heaven when the thermometer reaches 85. but today my 7 year old reminded me it was the first day of autumn.

i love fall. i love the change of colors from green to gold. i love that nature paints itself in such a warm pallet for such a cool season. i love halloween, i love thanksgiving. i love cool mornings and cloudy days. cinnamon rolls and peach cobbler. so many smells are associated with fall. even the smell of dust burning on the furnace the first time it kicks on.

i don't like the fact that winter is right around the corner. i'm a summer girl through and through. well, at least a three warmish season girl. i detest snow, cold, sleet, and icicles. i also hate the darkness of winter. morning and night. yuck. winter this year brings another sore. my baby will be one. i'm not looking forward to that.

it's almost as if in the fall season, the wheel is just winding up before it goes full speed down into the holidays. i wish i could stop the wheel for just a few more weeks to savor the beautiful colors, the crisp new apples, and the cool mornings.

finally! and ouch!

after a week of being down, my home pc is back up and running. but i did get a bit done while i was away. just kidding. i have a baby with a cold, thus most of my time was spent with him trying to either get him to sleep, or to not fall asleep. it's all very twisted.

and i got a couple of owies. if you don't like bloody pictures, turn away now, but if you are anxious and twisted and like to see what happens when an almost 30 year old woman takes a face plant on the sidewalk during an early morning run...read on...

wednesday morning, i was tired. really tired. my baby had been up for hours. but the only time i was going to get a run in was before big d went to work. so i went. i was tired, there were scary looking men at the end of the street where i usually go, so i went a different way. a major road. i have my dog. she is hyper and excited to be out running. she is not a big dog, but not really small. smallish, or medium size. but she is strong.

i was running in the road (against traffic) and there was a bunch of cars coming my way, so i jumped over to the sidewalk. unfortunatly, my tired shoe hit the lip of the sidewalk, and my dog pulled me the rest. my ipod earbuds pooped out as i hit the pavement. i think i said a few swear words and some pretend ones too. i know i said "frick" because i laughed at myself for saying "frick on a brick". i rolled over to see the damage. my hands were scraped and they burned. my knees were on fire and i could see blood starting to pool. and my chin. i know i hit my chin.

i rolled over and pulled out my phone and dialed big d's phone. 5 minutes into my run and i'm down the road. stupid. i put the phone away. i get up. "i'm a badass!" i say to myself, "keep on going". so i hobbled a bit and then started running again. my hands burned and swelled as i ran, but my bloody knees just went numb in the cool morning air.

i passed a few other runners. i'm sure i was quite the sight. i ronically, before i left for my run, big d had mentioned that he thought my legs were looking nice. as i finished my run (4 miles) i went inside and asked big d if he still thought i had nice legs. he was a bit surprised, especially when i told him it had happened 30 minutes earlier. harry was mortified, and chilly wouldn't let me walk him into preschool for fear of the other kids seeing my bloody wounds. my knees took the brunt, both pretty sore and bruised. my hands just have some minor scrapes. my left got a pretty deap on, but it on top of my hand and i have no idea how that happened. my chin didn't get anything, for which i am greatful!

they kill. i will forever feel badly for my kids when they skin their knees. i think i took a good layer off. i have a scrape on my hand that i think went down to the soft tissue. my knees are goopy and nasty and hot.

this is what i looked like when i got home:

and this is what i look like 2 days in

that is really gross.

while a girl's away

nothing happens?

i went on vacation, at least my internet service did. so i'm at my local library trying to post a quick update.

and there really is nothing. since my internet is out, my phone is out. nobody is calling i hope. at least i'll get the message someday.

so if you are looking for me, i'm not here. but i should be back soon.

(i hate our isp guys, and i hope someday to change.)

a picture is worth a thousand words?

and this one made me laugh. out loud.

in memoriam

my grandpa died 17 years ago today. i was getting dressed for school. my dad came in and told me that my grandfather had a major heart attack and had died during the night. i remember walking through a cloud for the next couple of days until his funeral.

his funeral was sad, people were sad. i was still young and i didn't really get it. i'm glad he was taken then, instead of now. i wouldn't be able to get through it now.

so i just want to hug my family, who are all missing this great man today. i want to give him a hug and tell him thanks. thanks for picking out three great boys. thanks for helping me through some really tough times. my grandpa is there for me today, you just can't see him.

fussy is named after him, with good reason. (he wasn't fussy himself, but you know, fussy's real name) not that we knew why that was at the time. fussy is a real life connection to my grandpa. one that you can't deny. what an example he has to live up to!


i miss you grandpa.

200 posts with a disclaimer

this is post 200 for me. crazy. and in probably 99% of my posts, i've ticked someone off. or made someone feel badly. it's like i want to put up a disclaimer, you know, the kind before you see a movie on dvd. the disclaimer that "ideas and views in the commentary are not necessarily the views of (insert name of distributor here)". see, i want to add something like that to my blog. like it's not big d that feels this way, or my kids. it's just me.

because this is my blog. nobody tells me what to write here. there are days when i've had it rough, when i am feeling low, and i come here and get it out. and there are days when i just stick up a bunch of pictures that either make me happy, or make me feel good. i don't personally intend to make anybody feel badly, just like in real life, that comes with just opening my mouth.

i do have to say, that these are my feelings. you have no control over what i feel, what i experience. those are from me, and like everybody, i am trying to make my way in life. my feelings just are. i can't change what they are, and i don't ignore them. they are what they are. i choose to get my feelings hurt, you can choose the same if you want.

so without any more fuss, you can either stop reading the blog, or you can risk the fact that you might find you know me a little bit better. it's up to you. and since nobody comments anyway, i have no idea if you have really been here or not.

how's that for a non-apology?

ahh, fishing

what we did for labor day. the kids you don't recognize (or do you?) are my sister's kids. we didn't catch a thing. well, maybe a bit of pond scum.

it's never going to be good enough

my baby fussy is beautiful. he is sweet and charming. he's got a smile that lights people up. but he's never going to be good enough, because he's a single boy.

my sister wasn't planning on having another baby. she and her husband had been having problems. that is gently saying it. they were done. a few weeks after i get pregnant with fussy, my sister finds out she will add to her family. i'm fine with it, until the day of her ultrasound. she got a girl. my mom freaks out over girl babies. my poor baby boy. out of how many boys there are, she has a right to freak out over girls. i guess.

my sister in law tries to get pregnant for a month. she comes to me and tells me that maybe it's not meant to be. the next month she gets pregnant with twins. the day she finds out she has two boys, i see the look in my mother in laws face. sheer disappointment. no girls. but at least there are two. and they are the talk every day we walk to school. or at any family gathering. fussy is pretty much ignored, because he's only one.

i know my baby is special. but even his beautiful face, the year long struggle to even get pregnant, his gimpy hand, doesn't inspire much from his grandparents. if he is the only baby around, he'll get attention.

it sucks, i get angry about. yeah, i'm jealous. there is no way to compete. the day i found out that my sister was expecting, i begged my mom that when my sister had the girl, and i got the boy, to please not ever let my little boy feel bad, or second best. there is just no way for my sweet baby to compete. as if it's baby fighting, and i've got to put money on the one that is going to win.

i hate feeling like this. i hate being defensive about weight gain, or "tricks" he can do. can he crawl yet? is he eating solid foods yet? like he's got to "do more" because he's just one, single boy. to be wonderfully average is lacking and so overdone. he's just another boy, and both families have seen about a million of those.

crap, my feelings are out in the open. it's hard to not take it personally, but this is my kid. my baby boy. my sweet fussy. how can anyone not fall in love with him just because of who he is?