A day of sadness

One of our faithful chickens has passed away. It must be hormones, but I think I cried more than my children. And I was having a crappy day before I found my frozen friend.

Christmas is over....what's next?

That means that there is a big event in our family that is coming up. And no, it isn't my birthday. I mean it is, but that isn't the big even I'm talking about.

The present that big d and I talked about giving to each other this year for christmas could be anywhere from 2 weeks, to 5 weeks away. But there are hints that it may be sooner than we think.

Am I ready? Can I do this again?

I don't know! It seems so foreign to me, yet I have known this was coming. It seems weird that this wiggly thing inside my belly is about to burst forth. Things feel so different this time. Time had both slowed down and sped up. Am I more mature, or just lazy?

And then I look into the eyes of my boys, and I amazed at the wonder that they hold. I am humbled by the fact that they have come into my life. This is the end of my childproducing. Do I really want that to end? In all area's I can honestly say yes! Give me the small child, school child and beyond. let me have my body back and let me learn more about raising my children beyond the age of 10.

And then these little hands paw at my swollen belly and are amazed at the life growing inside. They giggle like girls at the kicks and wiggles they feel. This is amazing. They wonder at the way their new sibling will look, they ask questions about the birth, and how he will grow just like them.

I feel so torn inside. I can't do this again. I love it and hate it at the same time. Just the trying to get pregnant is more than I can handle, and then the 9 months of being miserable. Yet I know, that is only a very short time in what could be another amazing experience. But I don't think I could do it again. Does that make me a bad mom? Or a bad woman? Am I ready to throw in the towel?

I know I don't have to make up my mind right now. I know it could change, just like anything. Our situation could change, and I could never have a child again if I wanted too, or I could be blessed with a surprise a year from now. But the important thing I need to remember is that I've got one more shot to do it right this time. I have another opportunity to have a newborn. For better or worse I've got the responisibililty and the right to have a baby again.

and this time it will be different because I am older. I am wiser. I am not as freaked out. And it will be the same all over again. Newborns are newborns, babies are babies, and toddlers are toddlers.

So here's to more messes, more sleepless nights, more worries, doctor visits. Here's to the endless questions and first words. To the teeth that bite, and the boobies that feed them. To the poopy diapers, spit up rags. To the concerned neighbors who haven't seen me out of the house in months, and to the insta care that has seen me for 2 solid weeks. To the big brothers that will be set aside for a month or two, and for the daddy that will help out. To the food allergies, dog allergies, grass allergies. To the stictches and broken limbs. Here's to the giggles, the coo's. Here's to the hugs and the cuddles and the power to heal anything with a kiss. Here's to the sweet sleep on my breast, and to the hand wrapped around my finger. To the warm breath on my cheek, and the soft spot in my heart. Here's to having a baby. Let it be quickly here, and let that baby be as wonderful as my others have been.

my cousin's new kid!

Alexander Reed

6 lbs 13 oz

20 inches tall

Stinkin' cute

Hooray for another baby born! That puts me at the top of the list (in my family at least!) See there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

whats the craziest thing you do for Christmas?

Mine was the going to the walmart ( I know) on a Saturday. Okay, not just any Saturday, THE Saturday before Christmas. I did escape alive, with only minor bruising, and a few scratch marks. Thank goodness I've got extra "bumper" protection with my extended belly. It might have helped with a few sympathy points as well.

All in all, Christmas is done with. At least the shopping part. Maybe Santa didn't find all the candy she wanted to put in the stocking, or the fun toys for Big D, but you live with it, right? Now it is time to put my swollen ankels up, steak up my black eye, and finish supervising the cleaning of the house!

Merry Christmas

What is in your heart?

It's no secret that I don't much like the Christmas season. I mean, I do love the anticipation, the Christmas morning rush, the buying of the gifts for my kids. I don't like the wondering-what-to-buy-for-other-people buying gifts. I don't like going to the store. I don't like spending of lots of money. I love the Christmas hymns, but I prefer to keep them in the two week window during Christmas. I'm all annoyed with the sending and receiving obligatory Christmas cards. Lighting up the whole neighborhood with twinkle lights. I don't understand why this particular holiday has just blown up, gone way overboard. What did we do?

Why is it that we spend the entire month of December planning for this one day? We spend so much money on making sure that everyone has a gift, and that everything is perfect.

Then you take a moment and pause and think about the nice things that people do for each other. How many people really do donate to the red cross or angel trees? How many good citizens buy toys for needy kids? How many people reach out to their neighbors with plates of cookies or other goodies, standing on a doorstep in cold weather to make sure that your neighbor is okay? How many people surprise somebody with a 50$ bill in a Christmas card with no return address?

We are not a needy family. We very well could be. We don't do the extra stuff in life, and are very conservative with our money. We budget, plan ahead, and save. There are times when just being poor sucks. But we are not "needy". Our kids will have Christmas, and I prefer the small Christmas of only a few toys and some needed socks and underwear.

Then something comes in the mail, and you swallow your pride and accept it with graciousness and humility. Why? Because someday, when I have extra to share, I'm going to do the same thing. Not because somebody is destitute, but because maybe they need a bit of a boost. Maybe they have worked hard all year, and a baby is coming, and they don't have everything that they need just yet. Maybe they are worrying about paying for the insurance deductible, replacing the soggy kitchen floor, or buying meat for the next two weeks. Maybe by somebody taking the time to slip some money in an envelope, makes them feel like they are loved, noticed, or cared about. Just maybe.

So I guess that is the reason everybody gets all mushy and soft on Christmas. Has it happened to you? Have you been the recipient of something uplifting? Or have you been the one to give? Have you had the blessing of knowing that somebody is thinking about you, and really does wish you well for the next year? Or have you been the one who worried about someone, and just wanted to make sure they knew that someone cared?

I guess that is what Christmas is all about, really.

"It's not what lies beneath the tree; but in the hearts of me and thee."

Christmas decorations and a neighborhood gone to pot

It seems to be more than a tradition now days. Decorate the hell out of your house for the holliday season. there is no more stringing up the lights on the roof, no, the entire roof is covered in bright lights. I don't mind the tradition, and even let my poor big d take part. I mean, as soon as it is december, I am all for christmas lights. The power company needs all the support it can get.

But what I don't get are the inflatable christmas decorations. Have you seen them? If not, you don't live by me. No really, I haven't seen so many of the cheesy things until this year. Reingdeer, big ass santas, snowmen, grinches, nativities.... Big D worded it perfectly for me the other day. Lazy. Yup, just pay the money, plug it in, and bing-o. You're festive. No fuss. Maybe a couple of tie down so it doesn't blow away.

And then there are the people who outdo everybody else on the street with everything imaginable decoration. gingerbread houses, santas, penguins, igloos, presents, trees. And everything else that would be found on kids pajamas. (why is it okay to put it in your yard, something that you would refuse to wear?) All lit up. The neighbors draw their blinds not only for the privacy from the onlooking cars, who've stopped to take a glance, but from the blinding light of gabillions of lightbulbs. The poor neighbor with his two deer and a string across his garage might as well just pull the plug. The cars driving by just laugh at his pathetic attempt at decorating.

All in all, it really does make me wonder a few things. I mean, what is it about decorating your yard that makes us happy to celebrate christmas? Is it the fact that you are overcoming the darkness that makes winter so horrible and long? Are we in competion with our neighbors to see who can be more "festive"?

Really, I am quite happy with a string of lights across my stairs and some garland. Oh and a few trees in the corner of my porch. The simplicity of it, reminds me of the season. I mean, aren't we remembering the birth of our Savior? Shouldn't that light be the one that gets us through this cold and dark time of year?

Be careful what you name your kids.

I believe this morning could have started out like any other. Tired parents, grumpy kids getting ready for school. It really didn't though.

My first thought as I rolled over and saw the Big D was missing from bed, and listening, I couldn't hear him in the shower, was that something was wrong. But I rolled back over and cuddled with the stuffy, germ laden three year old. When Big D walked back into the room, we had a sort of conversation that went like this:
"Is everything okay"
"Uh, NO"

My eyes perk open and I look at an uncalm husband.

"What's the matter"
"Oh there's a lake in the kitchen and it's raining in the basement"

Okay. Hmmm. Well it shouldn't be too much of a surprise, I mean, we've had a dishwasher problem, a shower problem, and now this problem. I am actually relieved because now I can stop stressing about the third thing to go wrong. Don't they always come in threes?

Well I started thinking, wondering, why we have had such awefull problems with water. Especially recently. then it dawned on me. Both of Big D and my name "mean" from the sea. Or something to do with water. So water is attracted to us. In some freaky weird sort of way it is true, just let me show you what I mean

1st house: (not too bad for 5 years of living there)
main sewer line problems had to be cleaned out several times while there (shudder, barf, etc)
bathroom flooded and needed fixed, including new flooring and vanity

2nd house: (2 years+ of living there)
main water line wasn't hooked up (idiots!)
main water line leaked (a lot)
craptastic house included non-standard fittings so we couldn't hook up basic things like dishwashers etc.
the bay window leaked a lot during times of precipitation, needed a new roof to fix the dang thing.

3rd house (1 year and a bit)
toilet issues
shower problems, inluding leaking into the ceiling of my family room
stinking non draining sinks, bathtubs and showers
dishwasher woes (we needed to replace just a couple of months ago)
dishwasher water line explodes and floods the kitchen, AND the basement.

So, we kind of started off slow, but there it is! water water everywhere. I'm really grateful though, our names don't mean something like "fire" or "wind" or "earth". I could be prone to burning something down, hurricanes or earthquakes.

That said, just be careful what you name your kids.

Santa wears a brown ups uniform

Ahh the sweet sound of the door bell on a weekday afternoon. As chilly runs to answer the door, he is puzzled, because there is nobody there, just a brown package. We look out to the street and we see him, climbing back into the truck and going on his way. Yes dear chilly, you saw it right. That was Santa Claus. He has so many toys to deliver that he cant do it all on Christmas eve, he takes the entire month of december to do it. Don't worry, those gifts will still be left under the tree for you to find on Christmas morning.

As I was grumpily cleaning up the floor today, Ii had a sudden craving of chocolate. You know the kind. Sweet and smooth, melting in your mouth kind of stuff. Normally I don't crave chocolate. Or even eat much of it. Somehow I really wanted some.

well, I wondered if it were just the hormones that were bugging me. I mean, I know my kids don't mean to be messy with playdough, or they don't mean to forget to flush the toilet for the 1000 time. It must be something else that is making me hunger for the "good" stuff.

When I was little, my mom worked for a chocolate factory. She made the most divine things. And every Christmas and Easter were the same....Lots of chocolates were in the house. The memories are just there, fuzzy, creamy, and full of lots of dark chocolate goodies. The best part was, they were always cold. See, mom hid the chocolates (as well as the presents)from dad in the storage room in the garage. On Christmas morning, or afternoon, whenever the indulgences began, out to the garage she would disappear, only to reappear with delicious chocolates that were cold. Not frozen, but cold. The chocolate has a bit more crunch to it, a little firmer than normal, but the centers were just fine. Cordial cherries, billie mints, chocolate truffles, creams, and other assorted fine delights that I can't remember the names.

Mom came home from work, smelling of chocolate. Warm chocolate. When we would go visit her at work, we could see the big chocolate melting vats, full of either dark or milk chocolate. Ever seen "I love Lucy" when they are packaging the chocolates? That is exactly what the candy factory looked like inside. The women dipped the chocolates in a different room from the melting chocolate and it was always just a little cold. And then there were the boxes of the stuff that was "imperfect", just the right height for a 5 year old, eager girl who loved the chocolate covered toffee.

The front counter had ice cream, not the soft serve stuff, but the good stuff that you need a real strong arm and a hefty scoop for. And popcorn fresh from the popcorn popper. Just like you went to the movies. There was rock candy, and jaw breakers the size of small planets. Everything a kid, or adult could ever want. Sold by the pound, or by the box. There were tables to enjoy your purchases at, all with 3 legged chairs. And the woman behind the counter, whose beehive hair resembled the color of the ice cream, used an ancient cash register. She also used to pinch my chubby cheeks.

It is no wonder that the real Christmas season for me, begins when I open that first box of chocolates. Slightly cold. Those childhood memories crowd over my eyes and in one bite I feel safe and warm, and I smell those smells, taste the sweet air that hovered over this chocolate Mecca. Of course I can never have the same feeling again. I will never again be a five year old girl amazed at production of the goodies. I can't go back in time when the chocolates were hand made and nearer perfection than any other goody in existence. I can remember the smells, remember the love of those boxes mom had bought to share with her family.