Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Christmas is over....what's next?

That means that there is a big event in our family that is coming up. And no, it isn't my birthday. I mean it is, but that isn't the big even I'm talking about.

The present that big d and I talked about giving to each other this year for christmas could be anywhere from 2 weeks, to 5 weeks away. But there are hints that it may be sooner than we think.

Am I ready? Can I do this again?

I don't know! It seems so foreign to me, yet I have known this was coming. It seems weird that this wiggly thing inside my belly is about to burst forth. Things feel so different this time. Time had both slowed down and sped up. Am I more mature, or just lazy?

And then I look into the eyes of my boys, and I amazed at the wonder that they hold. I am humbled by the fact that they have come into my life. This is the end of my childproducing. Do I really want that to end? In all area's I can honestly say yes! Give me the small child, school child and beyond. let me have my body back and let me learn more about raising my children beyond the age of 10.

And then these little hands paw at my swollen belly and are amazed at the life growing inside. They giggle like girls at the kicks and wiggles they feel. This is amazing. They wonder at the way their new sibling will look, they ask questions about the birth, and how he will grow just like them.

I feel so torn inside. I can't do this again. I love it and hate it at the same time. Just the trying to get pregnant is more than I can handle, and then the 9 months of being miserable. Yet I know, that is only a very short time in what could be another amazing experience. But I don't think I could do it again. Does that make me a bad mom? Or a bad woman? Am I ready to throw in the towel?

I know I don't have to make up my mind right now. I know it could change, just like anything. Our situation could change, and I could never have a child again if I wanted too, or I could be blessed with a surprise a year from now. But the important thing I need to remember is that I've got one more shot to do it right this time. I have another opportunity to have a newborn. For better or worse I've got the responisibililty and the right to have a baby again.

and this time it will be different because I am older. I am wiser. I am not as freaked out. And it will be the same all over again. Newborns are newborns, babies are babies, and toddlers are toddlers.

So here's to more messes, more sleepless nights, more worries, doctor visits. Here's to the endless questions and first words. To the teeth that bite, and the boobies that feed them. To the poopy diapers, spit up rags. To the concerned neighbors who haven't seen me out of the house in months, and to the insta care that has seen me for 2 solid weeks. To the big brothers that will be set aside for a month or two, and for the daddy that will help out. To the food allergies, dog allergies, grass allergies. To the stictches and broken limbs. Here's to the giggles, the coo's. Here's to the hugs and the cuddles and the power to heal anything with a kiss. Here's to the sweet sleep on my breast, and to the hand wrapped around my finger. To the warm breath on my cheek, and the soft spot in my heart. Here's to having a baby. Let it be quickly here, and let that baby be as wonderful as my others have been.


Stacy said...

(first post got eaten...)

You spoke for every woman I know in this post! (and did a beautiful job at that)

Here's to a sooner than later birth, a quick and easy delivery, a healthy baby who likes to sleep, eat, and stay healthy. Here's to a quick recovery and time to slow down so you can enjoy the little coos, giggles, grins, sweet breath and the hand wrapped around your finger... AND heart.

I love you and your family and can not WAIT to have you add this newest member! Let me know if you need anything!

Megan said...

I forgot you had a blog and finally got around to reading it for the first time in forever. Anyway, I just love the way you express yourself. Seriously, I get chills. You are great! Hope you don't have to wait too much longer for your little one!