it's too quiet

it's just me and the baby tonight. big d is out camping with the boys. it's called father and sons camp out. they were very excited to go. i told big d if anything happened to my boys, it would be his fault. i don't know if he got the message.

it really feels weird to be home, pretty much alone. i've been without big d before, but never without the 3 of them. if i hadn't had the baby, i think i would have gone to the movie or actually done something. but all the same, it's really quiet and a bit unsettling.

as corny as it sounds, it really makes you think. i love the idea that big d can take the boys camping. i think it's cool for him to share something he loves with his kids. and they totally love it too. what is a little boy to do with dirt and flashlights and tents? at the same time, i feel like i am missing out. it is not because i'd rather poke my eyes out with the marshmallow roasters than go camping. sleeping on the dirty ground, shuffling towards the bottom of my sleeping bag to avoid the cold morning air is not my idea of fun. once a year is good enough for me.

being home with just fussy really throws the light on the fact that while the boys are out "roughing" it, i should be home with the girls having a manicure, or watching silly movies. my fear is that i will never get used to the sting of fate of not having any daughters. such a silly thing to mourn. i love my boys, i'm cool with being a mom of boys. i wouldn't trade one of them for a whiny, girly, GIRL. boys are so fun to have around, and to be honest, i couldn't do hair.

i never imagined my life as a mother, i never even fathomed the fact that i wouldn't have a daughter. i grew up as the youngest of three girls. too many girls. i never once thought i wouldn't have one of my own. doesn't everybody have one or two? i really don't miss out on the painting of the fingernails, or the dressing up in frilly foo. i'm okay with not having to explain the finer points in life, or having a girl look to me as an example of womanhood. but i tell you what i miss already...that friendship i have with my mom.

my own mom has become my best friend. since i married and ignored all my other friends for a good 10 years, my mom really has been there for me. she has helped me find myself. i really am grateful for the fact that she is always there with phone call when she knows i am down, or advice when i can't figure out what to do. she listens when i brag about the kids, and she calms me down when i want to run for the e.r.

nothing can compare to the relationship between a mother and a daughter. nothing is even close. mother in laws are wonderful, sharing, beautiful women. but they just don't have the history your own mom has.

i know my boys are going to grow up and marry really neat girls, and i'll end up being that crazy mother in law. i hope that i can have a relationship with my future daughter in laws. but i know it's not going to be the same. they are going to run to their own mom's when they need support, when they need help, when they have a baby. that is okay, i'm going to understand. it doesn't mean i'm not going to be jealous or sad.

i told you the house was just too quiet tonight.

it really isn't as sappy and sad as it sounds. my heart doesn't break every time i hear about a new baby girl. i honestly don't think about it most days. i did. but i don't now. i'm too concerned with the fact that i have three beautiful children here, and i can't mess them up. at least i'm trying not to. i think about my handsome boys when they are grown. i'll have a paleontologist, a police officer (or rock star) and a dr? i'll get to have 3 sons who think i am the most beautiful woman in the world. i'll get to have 3 boys that will be bigger than me and can do all the heavy lifting. 3 priesthood holders, 3 missionaries. i'm sure i'll get my payday when i see them experience the love from being a daddy.

i know i've mentioned this before

about how much i love/hate walmart.

they've pulled out the big guns. twice within the last month, i've been to walmart and walked out with a freebee. the 1st time was a load of harry potter rubber bracelets that they were getting rid of. we kept sending the kids by the table to snatch them. i don't know why we wanted so many, but they were free and we collect...well, we collect junk.

the second time was just me, fussy, and chilly. i was picking up a few things. i had just strapped the boys to the cart when a really sweet, really really old guy approached my un-shy and exuberant 4 year old. i thought we were already getting kicked out, like we had our pictures up in the staff room as "banned". but the really really really old man just gave my 4 year old a package of 30 cent chewing gum. juicy fruit.

yeah, they gave a small child, a 4 YEAR OLD... GUM. the kind of gum that sticks to shoes, hair, clothes, etc. i cringed. but he was very happy. they both were. so i let chilly chew.

and just as i was forgetting why i had a ban on gum, chilly started reminding me. "look mom" as he had strings of gum across his face"my bubble popped". he dropped it, he pulled and played with it, he "washed" it, folded it into his pocket. then he handed it to me.

i hate gum.

but i do have to admit that it was probably worse for walmart than it was for me. They were handing out gum to every little kid who walked through the door. i bet the guys who clean the floor loved that one.

am i a crazy mom?

i know all mom's think that their baby is the cutest. i think mine is. i wonder sometimes if he is really cute, or if i just think he is because he's mine. and then i see some pictures of him, and my heart just melts. he's an angel, that fussy of mine!

so, am i crazy, or is this baby scrumptious?

waking up is hard to do

big d and i have decided to get our daily exercise done early. early am. this means i am up at 6:30, getting ready to run. this might not mean much to many of you, but for us, it's huge.

when big d and i were married, i worked part time at the library, and my earliest shift was at 10 am. big d worked downtown, and still did shows, so there were a lot of late evenings for him. i remember nights when we didn't get to bed until 2am. of course we were younger then. when we lived in nyc, it was much the same. late nights, late mornings. we'd hit our stride about 3pm.

then we got real jobs...parenting.

but still, we only occasionally braved getting up before we absolutely had to. with feeling sleep deprived anyway with a new baby, neither of us had any desire to try and function early in the day. time evolved still, 2 kids, different schedules. i remember feeling as if i were a zombie. and then three kids.

the difference, besides being used to not sleeping, is the fact that i have to get up anyway to take harry to school. so i started getting up earlier. and then it hit me, that if i got up and did my run before needing to go to school, i'd have that much more time to get things done.

but it is still hard to drag my butt out of bed before it's absolutely necessary. i must be nuts to enjoy running. i must be crazy to get out of my snuggly bed before my baby makes a peep, all in the name of torturing myself for 4 miles.

check it out

check out bigd's blog for a couple of fun videos. some of the kids, chickens, and just some silly stuff he's been doing.

i've lost it...

my mind and my links. please excuss the mess as i spiffy up my new look. and as you know how consistently i've been blogging lately, you understand that i can't remember what the heck i did.

but heres a picture of fussy at the beach on big d's birthday.

i just found it as i was cleaning the memory card from the camera. pretty darn sweet eh?

you really can do anything...

i remember being a small child. i remember not being able to read. we were driving in the car and i would look at all the signs and billboards and just wish i could read. i don't remember the day that i could read, but i remember not being able to.

i watch chilly now, as he is learning his letters and numbers. i can see that he is almost there in making that jump to reader. he spent the day yesterday drawing letters and making books, just like his brother. it was annoying, because while i was trying to get stuff done, every couple of minutes he came over and had me write something, or read something, or look at his picture.

of course after the 50 millionth time, i realized that he was writing what i had written, making the letters almost perfectly. i was pretty amazed myself. i mean, i know the kid is 4 and all, but i have not worked with him like i did with harry. he pretty much learned all this stuff himself.

now to me. i've been pretending i'm a runner for a couple of months now. i started running last year, before i got preggers with fussy. in fact, i do believe that running helped me get that way, but i'll save you the detailes...so yeah, since i had the babe, i've been really trying my hardest to not only get in shape, but to break the 10 minute mile. today i did it. i ran my first mile at 9:40, and my next at 9:30. i completed a 5k in just 30 minutes. i know this isn't amazing or anything, but to me it was. amazing because i never thought i could run. then i never thought i could run fast. bit here i am, running not fast like i dream of, but much faster than i did when i started.

i guess i just was thinking about how similar it is. learning to read, and learning to run. it both takes a lot of work. it both seems impossible when you start out, but with little bits everyday, you can get there. i hope everything is like that, i want to believe it is. just working hard, being persistent, and you can really do anything.

first day of school!

despite a baby poop blowout minutes before we had to leave, sidewalks in disrepair, and new shoes that fit a month ago, not fitting, we got to school on time. we met the new teacher, who wasn't the teacher we were planning. harry gets to go to school with his cousin, in fact, even though she is in 1st grade, and he's in 2nd, their classrooms are right next to each other.

aren't they cute? so it is back to school time at our house. and it is both sad and happy for the mommy. sad because i really do love my kids being home with me, and happy, because, well...look at how happy he is to be back at school!

and now we get to see if we like 2nd grade as much as 1st grade. wish us luck!!

harry potter funny

we took the boys to see the latest harry potter movie. Chilly wore his harry glasses, a scar, and took a wand. harry was especially giddy having just finished the book earlier in the day. it was a fun time had by all...well except fussy.

that was saturday. sunday, after church,i was getting a drink of water. i was filling up my cup at the fridge, chilly was sitting at the table. he had his wand in hand and was pointing it at me. his voice was as if he was on his deathbed...."accio drink"

it was pretty funny, and pretty cute. although it the accio spell doesn't work very well at out house. I keep trying to use it on the tv remote. of course i don't have a wand.

the truth is

i'm bored of blogging. once or twice during this week, i thought of something really clever or cute to blog about. i wasn't able to get to my computer and i totally missed the inspirational moment. and then when i do have the moment to blog, nothing clever or interesting comes to mind. not that it matters anyway. i don't think my blog is read much.

so, i'm going to take a break from blogging, that is sure to give me things to write about. if i forbid myself from something, that is what i'll want to do...right.

so stay tuned, or change the channel. whatever you like. i'm still here, but maybe i won't be either. there will be funner and witty posts ahead, or maybe i''' pack it all in and toss the key. who knows? is the suspense killing you yet?