Friday, August 31, 2007

it's too quiet

it's just me and the baby tonight. big d is out camping with the boys. it's called father and sons camp out. they were very excited to go. i told big d if anything happened to my boys, it would be his fault. i don't know if he got the message.

it really feels weird to be home, pretty much alone. i've been without big d before, but never without the 3 of them. if i hadn't had the baby, i think i would have gone to the movie or actually done something. but all the same, it's really quiet and a bit unsettling.

as corny as it sounds, it really makes you think. i love the idea that big d can take the boys camping. i think it's cool for him to share something he loves with his kids. and they totally love it too. what is a little boy to do with dirt and flashlights and tents? at the same time, i feel like i am missing out. it is not because i'd rather poke my eyes out with the marshmallow roasters than go camping. sleeping on the dirty ground, shuffling towards the bottom of my sleeping bag to avoid the cold morning air is not my idea of fun. once a year is good enough for me.

being home with just fussy really throws the light on the fact that while the boys are out "roughing" it, i should be home with the girls having a manicure, or watching silly movies. my fear is that i will never get used to the sting of fate of not having any daughters. such a silly thing to mourn. i love my boys, i'm cool with being a mom of boys. i wouldn't trade one of them for a whiny, girly, GIRL. boys are so fun to have around, and to be honest, i couldn't do hair.

i never imagined my life as a mother, i never even fathomed the fact that i wouldn't have a daughter. i grew up as the youngest of three girls. too many girls. i never once thought i wouldn't have one of my own. doesn't everybody have one or two? i really don't miss out on the painting of the fingernails, or the dressing up in frilly foo. i'm okay with not having to explain the finer points in life, or having a girl look to me as an example of womanhood. but i tell you what i miss already...that friendship i have with my mom.

my own mom has become my best friend. since i married and ignored all my other friends for a good 10 years, my mom really has been there for me. she has helped me find myself. i really am grateful for the fact that she is always there with phone call when she knows i am down, or advice when i can't figure out what to do. she listens when i brag about the kids, and she calms me down when i want to run for the e.r.

nothing can compare to the relationship between a mother and a daughter. nothing is even close. mother in laws are wonderful, sharing, beautiful women. but they just don't have the history your own mom has.

i know my boys are going to grow up and marry really neat girls, and i'll end up being that crazy mother in law. i hope that i can have a relationship with my future daughter in laws. but i know it's not going to be the same. they are going to run to their own mom's when they need support, when they need help, when they have a baby. that is okay, i'm going to understand. it doesn't mean i'm not going to be jealous or sad.

i told you the house was just too quiet tonight.

it really isn't as sappy and sad as it sounds. my heart doesn't break every time i hear about a new baby girl. i honestly don't think about it most days. i did. but i don't now. i'm too concerned with the fact that i have three beautiful children here, and i can't mess them up. at least i'm trying not to. i think about my handsome boys when they are grown. i'll have a paleontologist, a police officer (or rock star) and a dr? i'll get to have 3 sons who think i am the most beautiful woman in the world. i'll get to have 3 boys that will be bigger than me and can do all the heavy lifting. 3 priesthood holders, 3 missionaries. i'm sure i'll get my payday when i see them experience the love from being a daddy.

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