Sunday, September 02, 2007

it's never going to be good enough

my baby fussy is beautiful. he is sweet and charming. he's got a smile that lights people up. but he's never going to be good enough, because he's a single boy.

my sister wasn't planning on having another baby. she and her husband had been having problems. that is gently saying it. they were done. a few weeks after i get pregnant with fussy, my sister finds out she will add to her family. i'm fine with it, until the day of her ultrasound. she got a girl. my mom freaks out over girl babies. my poor baby boy. out of how many boys there are, she has a right to freak out over girls. i guess.

my sister in law tries to get pregnant for a month. she comes to me and tells me that maybe it's not meant to be. the next month she gets pregnant with twins. the day she finds out she has two boys, i see the look in my mother in laws face. sheer disappointment. no girls. but at least there are two. and they are the talk every day we walk to school. or at any family gathering. fussy is pretty much ignored, because he's only one.

i know my baby is special. but even his beautiful face, the year long struggle to even get pregnant, his gimpy hand, doesn't inspire much from his grandparents. if he is the only baby around, he'll get attention.

it sucks, i get angry about. yeah, i'm jealous. there is no way to compete. the day i found out that my sister was expecting, i begged my mom that when my sister had the girl, and i got the boy, to please not ever let my little boy feel bad, or second best. there is just no way for my sweet baby to compete. as if it's baby fighting, and i've got to put money on the one that is going to win.

i hate feeling like this. i hate being defensive about weight gain, or "tricks" he can do. can he crawl yet? is he eating solid foods yet? like he's got to "do more" because he's just one, single boy. to be wonderfully average is lacking and so overdone. he's just another boy, and both families have seen about a million of those.

crap, my feelings are out in the open. it's hard to not take it personally, but this is my kid. my baby boy. my sweet fussy. how can anyone not fall in love with him just because of who he is?


Blackeyedsue said...

Oh Meemer, I can relate! My baby sister is about to find out what she is having. I am so scared it will be a boy. It scares me that once a boy comes, all of these darling little girls will be left in the dust because a boy is, well, a boy! Will they still be invited to do those "boy activities?" Will they still be doted on, will they still be loved as much. How can you not love such sweet souls? I fear that mine will be left in the dust.

It doesn't help that the sister I am referring to is already the favorite. I guess sibling rivalry doesn't end in adulthood.

Anonymous said...

He is a beautiful baby and is loved by so many. You cannot fight that sister because she will always win no matter what. Even is fussy had been a girl she would still win. Trust me I have tried for years. Marvel in the wonder and beauty of fussy. We will try to never let him feel second best