when i was in high school, i had big ambitions. most of which did not involve shuttling kids to and from school, changing runny diapers, or fixing daily meals that have lost all spark. my goals and desires were much broader, much more interesting, and i though, much more realistic.
and then i grew up a just a little bit. i met big d. we met while i was doing something to take me to those goals, or ambitions. even though, at the time, i wasn't really sure that it was what i wanted. i still held on to that dream. even after we were married, and i knew it wasn't feasible, with making money, taking care of a house, and just being a married person, i still held onto those dreams.
my fantasies would resurface every couple of months. i would daydream about becoming a famous actor. months would go by and i'd day dream about being an artist, or maybe a writer. more months would go by, and i would dream about other things. mostly coinciding when i felt i wasn't being true to myself.
as i added kids, the months sort of stretched into years. most of those old dreams and desires still pop up every now and again. instead of detailed fantasies, it's just daydreams. i'd think about what i'd be doing if i were famous. definitely not changing diapers. definitely not running on a crappy treadmill in a basement that floods regularly.
instead of planning out a real plan of how to go back to school, i think about what would happen to my kids if i did right now. instead of thinking about doing more shows, i think about making dinner.
i really feel like i've lost a big part of who i am. who are we, but what we dream about, right? even though i know that isn't all the way true. i know that a bigger part of who i am now, is a result of all the choices i made. all the decisions that took me from that person who did theater, who dreamed of taking the acting for film class, to being discovered...to the person who does wipe the snotty noses, who is perfectly content to snuggle on the sofa watching a movie with my kids.
when the day dreams simmer to the top, i feel a little sad. it is hard to let go of that. because it really was part of who i was. a really big bossy part. but now it's not. as if i can look back and see myself as a stranger. if the me from now, bumped into myself 10 years ago, i wouldn't recognize myself. on most days, that is totally fine.
occasionally i have a sad day. when those days pop up, it seems my kids becomes extra nice, extra sweet, extra worth it. i don't know if it is them or if it is me, seeing them in an different way, making my choices worth it. all i do know is that it does make it worth it. it does make it easier to let it go, and become really who i am now. to embrace the older and wiser me. and in a way, i wonder if i bump into myself in 10 years, if i will know exactly who i am.