Wednesday, February 18, 2009

letting it go

when i was in high school, i had big ambitions. most of which did not involve shuttling kids to and from school, changing runny diapers, or fixing daily meals that have lost all spark. my goals and desires were much broader, much more interesting, and i though, much more realistic.

and then i grew up a just a little bit. i met big d. we met while i was doing something to take me to those goals, or ambitions. even though, at the time, i wasn't really sure that it was what i wanted. i still held on to that dream. even after we were married, and i knew it wasn't feasible, with making money, taking care of a house, and just being a married person, i still held onto those dreams.

my fantasies would resurface every couple of months. i would daydream about becoming a famous actor. months would go by and i'd day dream about being an artist, or maybe a writer. more months would go by, and i would dream about other things. mostly coinciding when i felt i wasn't being true to myself.

as i added kids, the months sort of stretched into years. most of those old dreams and desires still pop up every now and again. instead of detailed fantasies, it's just daydreams. i'd think about what i'd be doing if i were famous. definitely not changing diapers. definitely not running on a crappy treadmill in a basement that floods regularly.

instead of planning out a real plan of how to go back to school, i think about what would happen to my kids if i did right now. instead of thinking about doing more shows, i think about making dinner.

i really feel like i've lost a big part of who i am. who are we, but what we dream about, right? even though i know that isn't all the way true. i know that a bigger part of who i am now, is a result of all the choices i made. all the decisions that took me from that person who did theater, who dreamed of taking the acting for film class, to being the person who does wipe the snotty noses, who is perfectly content to snuggle on the sofa watching a movie with my kids.

when the day dreams simmer to the top, i feel a little sad. it is hard to let go of that. because it really was part of who i was. a really big bossy part. but now it's not. as if i can look back and see myself as a stranger. if the me from now, bumped into myself 10 years ago, i wouldn't recognize myself. on most days, that is totally fine.

occasionally i have a sad day. when those days pop up, it seems my kids becomes extra nice, extra sweet, extra worth it. i don't know if it is them or if it is me, seeing them in an different way, making my choices worth it. all i do know is that it does make it worth it. it does make it easier to let it go, and become really who i am now. to embrace the older and wiser me. and in a way, i wonder if i bump into myself in 10 years, if i will know exactly who i am.


Laurel said...

I still have a few ambitions tucked away deep. It's nice to know there are other moms out there who don't enjoy (or pretend to enjoy) dealing with every snotty nose or nasty diaper. Kids really do make life fun, but it's always nice to dream.

Anonymous said...

I don't think the 10yr younger me would recognize me now. And I don't know if me in 10yrs would recognize me at this stage in my life. I always wanted to be a nurse. Even applied to JC to finish up my last pre reqs for applying. 3wks into my last class found out I was pg with #4. So all that was put on hold and now I'm not even sure I want to do it anymore.

Megan said...

I hear ya, sister. It's always fun, but sometimes depressing, to ponder the what-ifs. I was never one of those kids who wanted to be a mom when I grew up, but here I am. It's not all I imagined it would be but you're right though, most days it's definitely worth it.

Trisha said...

I've been thinking about this post for a few days now, and if I don't just write a response now, I know I'll probably not get around to it, though I wish I had more time to give your deep thoughts adaquate response time. So basically, you're a damn fine writer and actress. the thing that sucks about dreams as such, espcially the acting bit, is that you can labor and labor and labor, and be really good and not get that lucky break. that dream, the acting one, it's a heartbreaker. I didn't see myself ever being a mom, in all honesty, when I was younger, because no one, (with the exception of subtle hints by my wise father) ever told me that being a great mom would be something i should prepare for... or I guess, if they did, I just didn't listen... (sorry all of my mutual leaders, but it's true). We of the post feminist era only heard "you can be whatever you want. lawyers, doctors, rocket scientist..." the list goes on, but did mom ever grace that list? obviously not. so when we're moms, it's kind of a let down. no one thought it was cool, at least no one cool thought it was cool.

lots of ramblings, not sure if any came out right,
and you are brilliant