Saturday, April 22, 2006

To Any Higher Authority Who Might Just Be Listening...

We had a ward party today and a bunch of women were all sitting around watching the kids play, when one lady 3 weeks post partum showed up with her sweet tiny little baby boy. The girl I was sitting next to, I go visit teach. She and I had a bawl fest a couple of months ago. She is in the same place as me...You know the place. Infertile(whoa, that's a pretty strong word there, missy). And not knowing which direction if any I should go. Well, she is a little different, she only has the one child, and she basically prayed him here. She gets comments all the time about how she "shouldn't raise an only child" that sort of thing...Lucky her. She and I both saw this beautiful newborn and immediately said, "oh how sweet" and then we looked at each other and almost started crying! It was almost comical. I wanted to lighten the mood so I said something like "damn uterus...,stupid hormones" I felt so bad for her! I mean, I felt so jealous and angry and bad for me, but I really had a heartache for her. She is such a wonderful and amazing person and I desperately want her to have another baby.

The thing is, you just don't know. I don't know why it is taking so long for me. Did I miss my chance? I hate the fact that I get angry when someone tells me that they are expecting, or that so and so had a baby. I get so jealous when I see mom's heading off to the mothers room to nurse the newborns. I get a little irrational each month!! It isn't fair, and it sure isn't easy. I always feel left behind, out of control.

I do know that I am learning things about myself as I go through this. I never thought I didn't appreciate the miracle of conception. I never thought that I took pregnancy lightly, but this time, this moment of wishing, hoping, and praying have been the absolute hardest for me. I can never look upon anyone's pregnant belly and not think with amazement the miracle that happened. I will never stop being astonished to see a newborn babe nursing. I thought I understood all this before, but at this moment in my life, I look upon all these things with true wonder and respect.

Poor Big D would love nothing more than to have a baby next week, nine months practically kill him! As for me, I just want to be pregnant again, with all it's woes! I want to feel morning sickness, and baby kicks. The displaced hips, the heartburn, the fatigue. I want to embrace the big bellied, the constant vomiting, the flatulence and the constipation. The weight gain, crying, mood soaring. I want to feel the pain and excitement of childbirth. I want to feel the hurt of each contraction, and the pure joy and awe at seeing my baby, slippery, naked and warm in my arms. JUST ONCE MORE. If I could just have that, I'd be okay.

So, if I don't get the opportunity to do it again, what then? Am I going to be disappointed for the rest of my life? Should I resign myself to be bitter and spiteful toward mothers of 3 or more?

I know that there is more in life than just this. But as I look back on what I have been, and where I want to go, it all involves THIS. Motherhood. I know that there are roads that may not be the ones I am looking toward, and I know they are the ones that are going to teach me more about myself, about my Savior, and about life. How can I look at the wonder of life around me, and not be just as amazed, just because I wasn't a major player in it. I am here, in this world. I am a part of all of this. The more I close myself off, the more I will miss.

Sappy huh? Sad? Well, I have already cried my tears, vented my frustrations, and cried more. So what is next? Do I dive face first into the next realm, or do I wait? Yup, that is the hard part..Not knowing.

7 comments:

big d said...

i love you.

beckylou said...

Thank you for that post. I haven't dealt with anything you have been going through, but I wanted to thank you anyways. Last night at a RS function, a woman said that in retrospect to her infertility, she realizes that Heavenly Father was preparing her. (She adopted and then when that baby was 6 months old, she gave birth to FIVE babies!!) So prepare during this time. Make yourself ready. It'll happen. ((hugs))

Stacy said...

I am crying up here in WA. I love you and Big D so mcuh! I am so sorry that you are hurting like this and to know that I have caused you some of the pain you have experienced.

My prayers will be with you and Big D. I think I will dedicate my next fast to you both.

You have so much faith and that will pull you through. (((HUGS)))

lazymama said...

You still have time...don't give up! Keep your chin up and take it one day at a time!

Rachau said...

(((Hugs))) I know what Infertility is like.It's hard.So all i can do is send you this big hug your way.

ShelahBooksIt said...

That hit me like a ton of bricks. I needed that post so bad. Hugs to you and your friend and everyone who has to go through waiting longer than they want to for a baby. I'm learning first-hand how wrenching it can be.

scraphappymama said...

My heart and prayers go out to you guys.