Pregnancy woes

So just in case you missed it, I'm expecting. What am I expecting? To someday be feeling normal again. HA! I've been feeling miserable, with the only thing that makes me feel better is taking a nap. (could be physiological I suppose). Anyway, since my oldest is in school now, and the soon to be middle child is a very sweet three year old monster. I've had a bit of time on my hands to think about this impending arrival.

I love newborns. I love everything about them, except the fact that they don't sleep at night. I keep my hopes up that this one will, from day one. I have serious doubt that he/she will, but you are supposed to keep a positive attitude right? So here I am planning out my days when I again have two at home. All will be wonderful! The baby will nap, nurse and only poop on demand. The older brother will play quietly and respect his younger sibling, and I will get my 8 hours of sleep, and be down to a size 8 by the time the baby is two weeks old. How's that for positive thinking!

So other than the highly imaginative plans I have for my future as mother of three, I also am dreading the thought of becoming noticeably pregnant. Right now, I could be just fat, or I could be pregnant. Depends on the clothes, and how grumpy I am, or how much makeup I am wearing. See, really grumpy fat people like me, don't usually put on mascara, or cover up those dang baby making hormone zits with conceiler. So some days, I'll take fat on, and others, I actually shower and put on cute clothes from my shopoholic sister in law (thanks again) and look relatively pregnant. Whew! That is a lot to get out. But here is the point. I get big. When I am pregnant I stick out about 2 feet, and I'm as wide as a small childing sleeping in the bed with me. I generally need the assistance of support buttresses to hold up my stomach. This is not news to me. People think it is.
"wow, you're really big"
at this point in my pregnancy, it is not wise to point out the obvious to a hormonal and huge woman, unless you either want a fit of tears and a blow to the head.

"are you sure there is only one in there?"
What kind of mean spirited person would say that? And I've had plenty. No there is just one, and thank you for lifting my spirits and making me feel like the daughter of God that I deserve to feel when I am only bringing a solo person into this world.

"you must be having a boy/girl!"
C'mon people. I do not carry any infant like your sister's cousin's ex friends mother. Sorry. Maybe my body is different than yours. And NO I don't know what I am having because my sweet husband wants it to be a surprise. But thank you for your old wives tales, they are entertaining in the least. The lottery for guessing the baby's gender is down the hall and to the left.

"you must be due any minute!"
not a smart thing to say, at any point in any pregnancy. Because if you are "due" at any minute, it does not mean that you will thus spurt forth an infant. In fact, it takes a lot of work, and some of that work is uncomfortable. Reminding a pregnant woman of her immanent doom probably won't make her feel any better. AND if she isn't due at any minute, well, then you have just made her question all things internal. Shame on you. I will be rushing to my next appointment questioning whether or not my ob is "off his rocker because he is letting me get so big" or punching him in the nose because he isn't.

yes my friends I have had all these comments and more. Some from well meaning people who have never multiplied and replenished, and some from stupid people who have. Some from family members who were trying to be hurtful, and some from strangers who I probably should have hurt.

So I dread this. Pregnancy is a beautiful time of growing, glowing and feeling amazed at the wonder that life is giving you, yet I am dragging my feet, wondering when that first comment will come, and wondering how I will take it. I know I should just smile and walk away, but sometimes, I really would like a nice fist fight. I mean, wouldn't it be something to get into a brawl with a hugely pregnant woman? The terrible gravitational pull of my belly would suck you in and life would cease to be yours. Just like a black hole.