darth vader was in the mini van in front of me today. while i was dropping the kids off at school. you know, the vader in the last movie (the original last). the guy who took on those bad guys with the red robes and the static electricity emperor. he got all beat up and had luke take off his helmet. THAT vader was driving a mini van in front of me. he was talking on a cell phone. probably talking about something on the death star. really, i know it probably wasn't him. that movie is like, 30 years old. and didn't luke burn him anyway? he took him back to the planet with the fuzzy little teddy bears, and made a big bonfire with a plastic dead guy, and some ghosts show up. i totally know my star wars.
he was driving so slow though. really slow, like he was dead already. and talking on that cell phone. i sat there for a good 5 minutes waiting for his little lukes and leias to all get out of their mini van, because mine wouldn't get out until i moved one more spot up in the line. and the bell had already rung, but they were all sitting there.
maybe darth was giving them last minute instructions to take over the school. maybe they were just having a bad morning, and were missing shoes and jackets and the baby was crying because he left his percy train home. maybe darth was bending his elbow the wrong way, trying to tie the shoes of his 5 year old, who just can't figure out how to tie his shoes even though he's tried to teach him so many times. darth was probably signing permission slips and last minute checks and shoving them in his kids backpacks.
maybe darth just knew what was waiting at home. darth has a headache that he's had for 2 days. the 2 year old, who was screaming, was up all night, and he knows that it's gonna be a rough day. in fact, he knows that the innocent kid will be into everything. like the dishwasher, pulling out the dirty dishes and then screaming when darth shuts it. the 2 year old will probably scream for something to drink, and when you get it for him, will either dump it out, or scream for something else. the 2 year old will most likely roll out the entire roll of toilet paper. he will most likely eat the dog food himself. and probably sneak outside through the dog door and find a way into the chicken coop. or maybe darth just doesn't want to do all that laundry, or clean up the soggy cereal. or step on legos. or clean up the bathrooms. maybe luke is terrible at aiming and the toilets are disgusting. he probably just wants to sit in the van, talking on the phone, taking a break for a minute.
of course, i don't blame him. i completely understand. but the problem is, i need to get home to do all that stuff, and he's just sitting there. looking all mouldy and beat up. and bald. and i'm waiting for his kids to exit the van. my kids are yelling, so he really should hurry up and get out of the spot so that my kids will exit. besides, there are 10 vans behind me, and i can't move until he does. and i don't think the vans behind me realize who it is in front of me. i can see in my mirror they keep giving me dirty looks, like they have some toilet sanitizing they can't wait to get to.
i can't honk at the vader guy. i mean, it's darth vader. he can strangle you with a glance. he has the force. he flies space ships. he's totally in charge of the death star. everyone is in awe and in fear of him. and he's talking on his phone, it would be so rude if i honked.
5 minutes, which in school time, is like an infinity. in screaming toddler time, 5 minutes is even longer.