Wednesday, September 03, 2008

feeling left out

or left behind is not a fun feeling.

i'm going to list mine:

church functions. i'm left out all the time. not on purpose, but because i am forgotten. see, i hovel in with the young women. i'm at church, but for some reason, i never know what is going on in relief society. do i feel bad about it, uh, yeah! i'm a forgotten number, nothing says love like not even being missed. i miss socials and enrichments all the time. not because i don't want to go, but because i don't know they even are happening.

church cliques. yeah, that is right. we all know about them. while i do get the opportunity to go to church with my super cool sister in law, it seems i am just always on the outside just a bit. like when they are all visiting in the hallway. and then the moment i step up to chat, they seem to disband like they saw a roach. i guess that could be me.

neighborhood cliques. pretty much the same as the church cliques, only not actually AT the church. so like when all the kids are on the same soccer team, or baseball team. except my kid. and the coach, totally is the bishop. and they KNOW that my kid wants or is playing the same sport. and they COULD have requested to keep all the kids together. or the running buddy club. like when EVERYONE else in the neighborhood runs, but the moment i mention doing a race together or running in the morning, i get shut down. shot down. whatever. even my own family. so i am super surprised when they are all getting ready to do a race. together. without me.

friends. old friends. high school was an interesting time for me. i wasn't popular (whatever that means, honestly) but some of my friends were. and i did theater and not choir. so i was left out of a lot of jokes, trips, all that stuff. but what has hurt the most was when these old friends get together still. today. close to where i live. like they did to plan our 10 year hs reunion. and i mean these people were my BEST friends. and they never called me. and they still get together without me. and then tell me they want to "get together" but nothing ever comes from it. are they pity-ing me? do they just not like me? probably not, they just don't care. i'm not important enough in their life to warrant a thought. yeah, that one does sting.

family functions. this doesn't happen too much anymore, but there still are times when we don't know about something happening to someone, or that somebody is having a baby, or that so and so got married or what not. yeah, maybe it's our fault we aren't on the calling tree. there has also been information kept from us. why? we don't know. still sucks to be left out. or when we don't get the memo that there is a play date at grandma's. or when we can't afford the play date at grandma's. sucks.

so while i have had my own experience about actually being INCLUDED for once, i guess i should feel heartless. i mean, i have no idea what it feels like, do i?

and i do feel badly that feelings have been hurt. and i cry for all of them. but i can't take responsibility for their feelings, anymore than i can take responsibility for being left out in all the other things. well, maybe if i were cooler, or smarter, or prettier, or nicer, or had girl children, or ate better, or was more spiritual, or richer, or older, or younger, or fatter, or thinner, or bigger busted, or a man, or a kid, or black, or hispanic, or filipino, or callous, or sugary sweet, or more outgoing, or just a different person altogether.

but guess what, i am who i am. and it has taken me a long time to find out that i can't change that. i am me. and no matter what, i'm going to be happy with me. that is my choice. i am going to be happy that i have brown hair, that i am liberal, that i like cold cereal. that i run my ass off everyday by myself, that i don't know half the women in my ward, and that my family forgets about me (us). if i spend my time miserable about the things i'm missing out on, i'm really going to miss out on the real thing for me. you know, a little thing called life...

11 comments:

big d said...

amen. i feel the same way! of course my friends call me the hermit, so maybe it's my fault...

i don't care. i like being a hermit.

i just feel bad when my kids are the only ones in the neighborhood/ward not on the team! or when all the runners in the ward talk to you about running, but won't run with you, or invite you to the races/runs they're doing. it hurts me to see that.

big d said...

and as for your message board soap opera, i don't think you need that kind of childish, insecure, backbiting, hateful behavior.

i know it's only the most immature of the group, but if they can't get over themselves, i wouldn't blame you if you decided to leave!

Amy said...

I've been left out in things, and I've been included in others. To each their own and that's life. I liked your post :) And it's sad that wards have cliques, it's the one place I thought we were striving for unity and well it's not always that way is it?

Laurel said...

I used to want to be cool-- to be included in things. And then one time it happened. I got invited to some "cool kids" activity and it pretty much sucked. I was more uncomfortable having to pretend to be someone else than I would have been if I were just never invited. Sure, it hurts to be left out of things, but I think you're a cool person, and it's not worth changing yourself to hang out with a bunch of clones.

One Crazy Family said...

I love you and I would totally hang out with you all the time. I can't run, wish that I could, and I am way excited that we live so close now. I will always be there for you because you are my sister and those of us on the outside have to stick together and be strong for each other
I couldn't ask for a better sister and I appreciate all of your support, love and I wouldn't trade you, your cool husband or your great kids for any others in the whole world. Let the in people be petty and mean and they can walk west till their hats float.

Kelsey-boo said...

seriously i would run with you! if i didn't have 20 million things going on too. we just need to set up a schedule!
i get left out a lot too. now i only have one really good friend but sometimes people forget...

Megan said...

Fwiw, I always thought you were the cool kid in high school. Seriously, I was cool by association. And I'm not just sayin' that.

And would you just move to Hyrum so we could run together? It would be one of those things where you'd have to run to the corner and then jog in place like you're waiting for a stoplight to change so I could catch up. And then we'd run together again for a block or so and repeat. It would still be loads of fun. :)

Anyway, I know you weren't fishing for compliments- but I just think you are the best thing ever. Pretty much. I'm sad that people are missing out on all of your coolness. And one of these days I'll finally start calling you by your real name. I still call you Meemer in my head, all.the.time. I just can't help it.

And is there a limit to how big comments can be? Cause I'm pretty sure this is the longest one ever.

And I love you. The end.

sweetpea said...

I for one want to tell you I'm so glad I know you, and I'm enjoying getting to know you better. :) I think you're awesome, does that count?

smart mama said...

good post- life is aboitu ins and outs- we can't all be in all the time- But yep it's about being who we are and happy with that!

xo- unpopular nerd smartmama

The black sheep said...

awww I wont leave you out, come to my vampire party in october it will be grand! LOL that would rock if you could come, it's only a billion miles from you.

jungleprincess said...

Great post, Meemer. I have felt like ^the weird one^ (and therefore a little bit left out) for the last two years but have realized that living life as I love it and loving my kids as they deserve to be loved and even being different from others is better than being the same as everyone else and not being true to myself. I also enjoyed your happiness post. Thanks!