feeling left out

or left behind is not a fun feeling.

i'm going to list mine:

church functions. i'm left out all the time. not on purpose, but because i am forgotten. see, i hovel in with the young women. i'm at church, but for some reason, i never know what is going on in relief society. do i feel bad about it, uh, yeah! i'm a forgotten number, nothing says love like not even being missed. i miss socials and enrichments all the time. not because i don't want to go, but because i don't know they even are happening.

church cliques. yeah, that is right. we all know about them. while i do get the opportunity to go to church with my super cool sister in law, it seems i am just always on the outside just a bit. like when they are all visiting in the hallway. and then the moment i step up to chat, they seem to disband like they saw a roach. i guess that could be me.

neighborhood cliques. pretty much the same as the church cliques, only not actually AT the church. so like when all the kids are on the same soccer team, or baseball team. except my kid. and the coach, totally is the bishop. and they KNOW that my kid wants or is playing the same sport. and they COULD have requested to keep all the kids together. or the running buddy club. like when EVERYONE else in the neighborhood runs, but the moment i mention doing a race together or running in the morning, i get shut down. shot down. whatever. even my own family. so i am super surprised when they are all getting ready to do a race. together. without me.

friends. old friends. high school was an interesting time for me. i wasn't popular (whatever that means, honestly) but some of my friends were. and i did theater and not choir. so i was left out of a lot of jokes, trips, all that stuff. but what has hurt the most was when these old friends get together still. today. close to where i live. like they did to plan our 10 year hs reunion. and i mean these people were my BEST friends. and they never called me. and they still get together without me. and then tell me they want to "get together" but nothing ever comes from it. are they pity-ing me? do they just not like me? probably not, they just don't care. i'm not important enough in their life to warrant a thought. yeah, that one does sting.

family functions. this doesn't happen too much anymore, but there still are times when we don't know about something happening to someone, or that somebody is having a baby, or that so and so got married or what not. yeah, maybe it's our fault we aren't on the calling tree. there has also been information kept from us. why? we don't know. still sucks to be left out. or when we don't get the memo that there is a play date at grandma's. or when we can't afford the play date at grandma's. sucks.

so while i have had my own experience about actually being INCLUDED for once, i guess i should feel heartless. i mean, i have no idea what it feels like, do i?

and i do feel badly that feelings have been hurt. and i cry for all of them. but i can't take responsibility for their feelings, anymore than i can take responsibility for being left out in all the other things. well, maybe if i were cooler, or smarter, or prettier, or nicer, or had girl children, or ate better, or was more spiritual, or richer, or older, or younger, or fatter, or thinner, or bigger busted, or a man, or a kid, or black, or hispanic, or filipino, or callous, or sugary sweet, or more outgoing, or just a different person altogether.

but guess what, i am who i am. and it has taken me a long time to find out that i can't change that. i am me. and no matter what, i'm going to be happy with me. that is my choice. i am going to be happy that i have brown hair, that i am liberal, that i like cold cereal. that i run my ass off everyday by myself, that i don't know half the women in my ward, and that my family forgets about me (us). if i spend my time miserable about the things i'm missing out on, i'm really going to miss out on the real thing for me. you know, a little thing called life...