Tuesday, November 04, 2008

top ten things bugging me lately

10. the election.

bless the fact it is election day. i am thankful that i can curl up on my couch and watch the world explode. not really, but i am excited to see history. that is how i look at this election. i don't really care the sides or the issues anymore. i've argued myself out. i just want to see what happens when the dust settles. i am done though. i don't want to hear another word, i don't want to try and figure out who is the bad guy. i want to be blissfully unaware.

9. big d work schedule.

poor big d is working like mad. on a huge project. he will be gone all week long. we might see him friday, but i don't know for sure. i'm not really holding my breath. it's sort of a bummer because when he pulls into the driveway at 1 am, i'm not all cool with sharing the bed anymore. i think he can tell that when he politely asks me to move over. and we have a size king bed. i'm just selfish ya know.

8. harry

harry is doing great at school. we went back on track this week, and for 2 days, he has come home happy. really happy. and he is doing well. really really well. the other night, as i was settling him into his bed, he was crying. he was feeling how blessed he is and he was overcome. it's moments like that.... those are the moments that melt my heart. and no matter how hard we've been on him, i know he gets it. and then on the way to school, he will punch his brother when he thinks i'm not looking.

7. taco (previously known as chilly)

he's totally into high school musical. really into it. and while it was cute the first time. and maybe a bit of the second, i'm kind of turned off by the fact that he wants to dance and actually BE troy. i mean, it's weird. he was totally anti hsm, until his cousin lent it to him. now he can't get enough. and enough is enough. and i can't imagine those who have been on this ride for a long time.

6. fussy

the kid is going through some major 2 issues. he screams, he undresses himself. he doesn't nap. and he screams. and screams and screams and hits and screams. i have a headache at 9 am. i wish i could get him not to scream because it's loud and hurtful and really loud and i hate it. really. i can't think of a more annoying sound. even the yapping dog is better than the scream that he screams

5. the show

we have an audience in a week. a week. and we have 2 rehearsals until then. and i am not ready. i totally am doing this for harry, which is weird, you would think that would give me more, but it actually seems to be harder. it is so much work to remember someone else things and get them in the right place. and i'm going at this, trying to give 100% even though i know i don't have it in me anymore. and that feels wrong and weird. and sort of like i am cheating. i want this to be a good experience for my kid. and it used to be something i really loved, and it didn't matter how hard it was. have i changed? i know i have, but have i changed that much?


4. running

i do a 40 mile week last week. and i feel it. not really with my legs, just my brain. the last thing i want to do right now is put on my shoes and go for a run. but i do. every day. and i don't know why. and it's cold, so my running is starting to be mainly on the treadmill. which sucks the life out of anything fun do with running.

3. parenting

is about making mistakes right. i think we have made a few here and there. and everywhere. but you know what, my kids are hard. maybe i could have done things different. but i think i've done a damn good job so far. my kids aren't the normal type of kids. they are different. they are creative and explore and are full of life. i think that is good. but it bugs me when people think that the way i am raising my kids is what is causing some of their issues. because it's not. they have those issues because that is who they are, and that is who they have been since day one.

2. weather

i am so affected by the weather. i love the rain, but it makes me sad. i love the snow, but it makes me want to stay home and watch tv. and it's getting to that time of year. my friend explained fall as a time to "button all her kids in at home and stay close for the rest of the winter" and i love that. it feels so warm and homey. i like warm soups. i like hot chocolate. and i like snuggling on the couch and watching movies. or listening to music. but i have to get things done. i can't take days off and just sit and watch movies. i have to leave to buy groceries to feed the kids, to run the errands, take the kids to and from school. and almost every time i feel sad to pull out of my driveway.

1. me

i feel like i've pulled all of myself. i feel like i've taken the innermost of myself and used it all up. i know it's because i am using everything i have to keep things going. it's all of these things stuck together. and all of them have to come from me. i love all these things, and some of them are what keep me going, and some of them are just taking from me, and i feel worn out and done in the same breath. it's all hard. it's like reaching the next level on the video game. i can't not do it, because i've got to play. but i want to hand the controller over to someone else before i lose all my hearts. someone who knows how to get through this level. and the sucky thing is, i know that the next level is going to get even harder somehow, so i should just enjoy this level right now.

7 comments:

grandmaj said...

We all have those thoughts and it is hard when so much is going on and you feel it is up to you to keep things going. Big d and his schedule is hard. I know I have said this before but I hated swing shift when your dad worked it in the winter. You kids seemed to be the worst and I had to do everything by my self all the band concerts and parent and teachers. So just hang in there and enjoy the ride, because to soon you are an empty nester and you miss all the things with your kids and wish you had that time back. Love Mom

Katie said...

amen about the election being over --- soon, very soon. Thanks for those thoughts. It's cool to read some down right honest thoughts and feelings.

lyn said...

Blah. It sounds like maybe #2 has a lot to do with everything... and #9. But wow - a 40 mile week? I'm still struggling to get in my 10 miles/week - so I'm jealous :)

Tim and Vicky Porter said...

I just have to tell you that I love you and I think you are amazing! Hang in there honey! Your Mom is right...the kids grow up way to fast! :)

One Crazy Family said...

I understand about crazy schedules. There has been times when I did not get to see D for two weeks or more. I would tell you they will all grow up quick and enjoy the crazyness but I won't because like you I am tired of kids, school, homework, elections, no money and I have a paper due thursday that I don't want to do. maybe we need to get together and OD on chocolate and complain about everyone.

Love you

Tye said...

Hey sorry about high school musical. If taco has seen the second i would be willing to take him to see the third one.

Amy said...

((hugs)) I hope the work schedule improves, and they play will be over soon..and WOW a 40 mile week!! So far this week I'm at 7 miles!