tagged.....

thanks april! i really love and hate these kinds of things. alright, i want you to think i hate them, just because that would be more...cool, but i really love them. yeah, because we all know i love to talk about myself. so here i go, giving you random insights into my life.

Four places I go to over and over: walmart, preschool, regular school, walmart. or the soccer field (at least for the rest of this week)
that sums up my day actually. over and over again. i feel like a revolving door some days. or a revolving mini van

Four people who email me regularly: sierra trading post, oriental trading, my in laws with their pro mccain propaganda (or would it be anti-hillary?), and uh....the library. telling me my books are in, or most likely, that they are overdue.

Four places I like to eat: my mom's is number one. sunday dinners there are the best. somewhere that doesn't have a playground. i guess the third would be any place without a kid's menu. and fourth...the pizza place in new york that we would go to. it had the best new york pizza. just a little hole in the wall kind of place with the greasiest pizza ever. but it was the best.

Four places I would like to be right now: now that i'm thinking about new york, i'd like to be there. i'd also really like to be somewhere sunny and warm. i also really love the condos up on the mountain. and last, uninterrupted dream land. 8 hours of it. that would be a change.

Four TV Shows I watch all the time: i like survivor, e.r., and the amazing race, and maybe the office if i catch it. other than that i don't watch much tv. every once in a while i get sucked into law and order, or a documentary of some sort. the other day my kids were engrossed in the antiques roadshow. that was kind of weird.

Four people I think will respond: does anybody read my blog? HA! hmmm i'm going to tag kelsey-boo, megan, my cousin, my sister-in-law. they might read my blog, but they may not. sorry big d, i already know all about you...

dear mr. and mrs birdy,

it was so nice to see you lately! i've been watching you out the window and you seem so intent on something. it looks as if spring is wonderful for you. you look as if you are ready to increase your family yet again! i think it's awfully funny how you torment my poor dog, but you are much too quick for her. please don't mind my curious kids, and go about your daily stuff.

and i just want to add, that i hope we are going to be good neighbors. i hope we can get along well enough to talk to each other, gossip about the other neighbors. in fact, why don't we get together for a nice barbecue? lets say....saturday? why don't you bring the kids?





see you soon!


love,
meemer

dino-tastic...dino-rific...dino-tiful

the museum of ancient life:

zoo-tastic....zoo-rific....zoo-tiful?

i think my kids are pretty cute. i bet you couldn't tell.....

is my fly down?

blog speaking? i know, i'm revamping again. i just get so darn bored with the same ol' thing all the time. anyhoo, if you notice something strange, and looking out of place, let me know eh? hopefully we'll be running well by the end of ....by the time i get tired of this template. want to linky-loo, again, let me know and i'll see if i can figure it out...again.

i killed it

have you noticed i haven't been around? maybe i was just ignoring the fact that i said i was going to blog on tuesday, and then never did. maybe. but the truth is, i totally killed my computer. or maybe harry killed it.

we had decided to get motivated to clean up the house before my friend arrived. i decided to play "sweeney todd" from my itunes. (isn't itunes the coolest?!) i had decided to play it because that is what my 7 year old wanted to hear. i don't know if i'd call him really weird or what. anyway, just as that annoying whistle thing sounded, the computer died. it shut down. it just stopped. i couldn't get it to turn back on.

i spent the rest of the day fretting about all my pictures that i haven't backed up, and hoping a bit that big d would get me a smancey new lap top. he didn't, but i didn't loose my pictures either.

my brother in law saved the day. he had an old power supply thing that is what my computer needed. he gave it to us, big d installed and it totally works. i'm pretty happy about that. of course i'm leery of playing "sweeney todd" again.

just some updates

well, sort of.

my geeky kids.

i've decided that i only have one geeky kid. the oldest is still watching star trek movies. he is still building space ships out of legos. the middle child? not so much. he puts up with harry's movie choice, only if there is nothing else to do. harry has insisted on watching them in order. he hasn't yet watched the last one, but i'm sure it's on his radar for today. it's going to kill him that data dies. ah well. it was a crappy movie anyway....

those pesky birds.

they are driving my dog nuts. she sits on the deck watching for them, and when they poke their heads out, she goes nuts barking. it's getting really annoying. i mean, we have the squaking of the birds, and then the barking of the dog.

long lost friends.

one of my sweet friends gave me a call this morning. it was neat. we decided to get together on tuesday. i'm going to take some pictures to remember this by. and maybe post them here. i'm all about feeling special today.

i wanna quit

i've been schlepping my 1 year old around this morning. he had a bad night. he was up for a couple of hours screaming. i have no idea why. he does this more than he should. i know something is bugging him. i just have no idea what, or how to fix when i have no idea what "it" is.

so this morning i'm packing him around. he won't get off my hip. he won't eat by himself. no doubt you are wondering if he is spoiled. he is. he's the baby of the family. he is my sweetheart. the final baby, the bookend. fin

i'm tired from being up all night. i'm tired from walking around with him all day. i'm tired of not knowing what is wrong with him. at his dr. appointment, the dr. wanted us to take fussy to the neurologist, and i'm wondering if that might be a really good idea. not that i want to take my kid to primary children's again, but if it means that someday i can sleep through the night, well...

that doesn't change the fact that i want to quit. i want to be able to get a run in without worrying about nap times, or the fact that i am so exhausted, i might just fall off the treadmill. i want to go to my young women's meetings without someone commenting that i look tired, or sick. i want to be able to clean my house and have it stay clean for an afternoon.

i'm so selfish, i want to take a break from motherhood and take a nice long vacation. but i won't. in fact i'm fine without a clean house. i'm okay with looking tired all the time. i'm okay with inhaling diet coke to keep me awake.

it's the running thing that really has me down. now, i could take a break from it, but i've got so much invested in it. i have a good 75 bucks down on my spot for the wasatch back ragnar relay. i'm both nervous and excited for it. more nervous because i know i'm not going to be ready. my running is pure survival mode right now. i'm running to stay on the treadmill. i'm trying to fit in 3 miles here, 2 miles there. i'm working hard while trying not to be interrupted around a dozen times each run. from tattling to needing a nap. i absolutely loath it. the joy is gone.

but i can't quit. i can't. i've come a long way from when i started running. i've put in a lot of hours. i've ran a lot of miles. i've sacrificed a lot to get where i am now. while it might not be huge to real runners, i'm in a better place physically than i have ever been before. i can't quit. i can't give all that up. i just have to figure it out all again.

i do know that if i keep it going, if i struggle past this "wall", that i'm going to be on the high of my life. both running and parenting. i will not walk, i will run. i'm going to finish my race and not quit.

remember the birds?

they seem to be growing and getting louder each day.

it's amazing how loud they really are. and i know birds. well, i know chickens. and they are loud. but they are big, so you kind of expect that.

i spent friday night with a bunch of my MOF's. a lot of really great women who accept me as me. a lot of friends who really cared about what i am going through.

can i just say how energizing it was.

i got home a bit after midnight, and although big d had fussy duty (they were both asleep) i couldn't stop talking. it could have been the coke talking....but it was wonderful. i feel so released. i feel so much better.

and even when things got a bit hairy yesterday, i was able to think back to my MOF's and all the encouragement and advice.

so thanks, My Online Friends. thanks for being there when my In Real Life Friends have ditched. you guys are seriously WONDERFUL.

check out one of my friends, for a great pic!

huh.

i recently, like yesterday, ran across a blog from an old friend. i can say old, because we were in high school together, and THAT seems like it was another lifetime. anyway, i was googling myself (sounds dirtier than it is) because i was having a particularly down day, and i was waiting for an auction on ebay. i know, i could be doing something constructive, but i wasn't. however, i did find that i have commented on a lot of blogs. and if you knew me, you would probably find my blog way too easy. i also found out that "meemer" means a lot of things, some of which could be construed as nasty.

back to the point. i ran across this blog. at first i was overwhelmed. new blog material. new things to read. people i actually know in real life. it was awesome. and lots of pictures. i got to looking at all the cute baby pictures, all the cute people pictures. then i was sad. really sad. deep pit in my stomach sad. as if someone dumped a bucket of ice on my soul. there, in these pictures and slide shows, were friends. friends that no longer are friendly. friends that are gone from me.

i know i was never the popular girl, nor the cool girl, but i did have a group of really great people that i hung out with. i know that because i got married so much earlier, that we sort of "fell out". i was the one that was married and working. they were all still off having adventures. my kids are in school, their kids are just born. we just don't have that much in common anymore.

it just still kind of hurts though. to see pictures of everyone together. i know that no ill is meant. and i think that is what hurts more, you know. i mean, to not even have been thought of, that is kinda final, right?

add this experience to some family drama, where we were personally attacked, and i'm just ready to hang it all up. i feel really unsettled today. it's almost like i could cry and kick some ass all at once. unbalanced and uprooted. and maybe just tired. too tired to really want to think anymore. too tired to want to make a connection with anybody. too drained.

poor, poor meemer, right? "no body likes me, everybody hates me, guess i'll go eat worms"! it's kind of a silly little tantrum isn't it? i know i should just turn to my faith and to my family for comfort and acceptance. but neither is really helping me much right now. sort of like a band aid over a wound. it's got to come off sooner or later. and that wound will still be there. i guess this is what life is all about.

to my daddy

on his birthday

there are a few memories i have, from being a little girl, that i really treasure. i am sitting in the front of the bluebird candy factory. my daddy brought me there. and i am eating yummy popcorn. i get to look through the ice cream and smell the yummy smells of chocolate all around me. and it's just me and dad. i'm sure we were there for mom, to see her, or to do something for her. but whether i'm just there because he was watching me, or i'm there because i wanted to go, it doesn't matter. because i remember feeling love.

i remember having gone up into the mountain. riding in a big green truck. my sisters were at school. we went up into the mountain to cut wood. i remember riding in the truck next to my daddy. i remember feeling very important. even if i wouldn't go potty in the woods because it was gross. that truck backfired a lot too. it was really scary for me. but it was also pretty cool.

or the time that we went to checker auto parts together. and i won! i won a big bucket full of stuff for cars. how fun for a 16 year old girl. but i still remember that. with a big smile on my face. using that club in my pinto!

my daddy had a way of having me help him. i stood on wood as he cut. that was for the blue boat that he bought. i wanted to name it the "picard" but he didn't. i remember him stripping the closet doors, out by the shed. i remember thinking how smart he was, because he knew how to do that. it involved lots of stinky chemicals. my daddy also built a fence. a long huge fence. because i wanted my wedding reception to be in the back yard of my parent's house, and it needed something like that. it was a big deal. thanks dad. it looked great.

daddy also meant movies. scary stupid movies. the blob for one. i remember watching lots of silly movies that were pretty scary at the time. i also know that because of my dad, i have a love for star trek (see previous post). i also have a deep seated appreciation for john wayne movies. or even blow them up movies.

so besides just saying "happy birthday" , you know, it's been done, i wanted to do something more. i wanted to let you know how much i love you. because you are my dad. you are very important to me. no matter how i acted when i was a teenager.

you instilled in me basic moral laws. that one must be honest. that one must be true to one's self. that we are citizens of this country. that you work hard for what you want. that you take the challenges that come at you with determination. that you don't let anyone tell you that you are not good enough, or not smart enough. that you do what you know is right.

see, my dad is awesome.

that last post...

i don't mean it. family doesn't suck. sometimes people hurt you, and it's easy to get mad. but, we're over it now. keep sending the letters! we will do our best to enjoy hearing from you!

family...

sucks

raising geeks

as of this minute, right now, my kids are all absorbed watching "Star Trek, the movie". big d started watching it last weekend during a treadmill run. harry and chilly are now obsessed with star trek. they insisted that they watch it.

yesterday harry built lego starships almost all day. he got big d's star trek book and tried to copy the pictures. he did a good job too.

when we stopped at walmart to get some stuff, we walked by the video games, in which harry noticed a star trek game for x box. forget the wii, now he's pining for the game and an xbox.

geeks or nerds?

i guess i should add that at my request, we did watch a star trek movie from the good crew. but that isn't geeky, that is just good tv.