Thursday, April 10, 2008

i wanna quit

i've been schlepping my 1 year old around this morning. he had a bad night. he was up for a couple of hours screaming. i have no idea why. he does this more than he should. i know something is bugging him. i just have no idea what, or how to fix when i have no idea what "it" is.

so this morning i'm packing him around. he won't get off my hip. he won't eat by himself. no doubt you are wondering if he is spoiled. he is. he's the baby of the family. he is my sweetheart. the final baby, the bookend. fin

i'm tired from being up all night. i'm tired from walking around with him all day. i'm tired of not knowing what is wrong with him. at his dr. appointment, the dr. wanted us to take fussy to the neurologist, and i'm wondering if that might be a really good idea. not that i want to take my kid to primary children's again, but if it means that someday i can sleep through the night, well...

that doesn't change the fact that i want to quit. i want to be able to get a run in without worrying about nap times, or the fact that i am so exhausted, i might just fall off the treadmill. i want to go to my young women's meetings without someone commenting that i look tired, or sick. i want to be able to clean my house and have it stay clean for an afternoon.

i'm so selfish, i want to take a break from motherhood and take a nice long vacation. but i won't. in fact i'm fine without a clean house. i'm okay with looking tired all the time. i'm okay with inhaling diet coke to keep me awake.

it's the running thing that really has me down. now, i could take a break from it, but i've got so much invested in it. i have a good 75 bucks down on my spot for the wasatch back ragnar relay. i'm both nervous and excited for it. more nervous because i know i'm not going to be ready. my running is pure survival mode right now. i'm running to stay on the treadmill. i'm trying to fit in 3 miles here, 2 miles there. i'm working hard while trying not to be interrupted around a dozen times each run. from tattling to needing a nap. i absolutely loath it. the joy is gone.

but i can't quit. i can't. i've come a long way from when i started running. i've put in a lot of hours. i've ran a lot of miles. i've sacrificed a lot to get where i am now. while it might not be huge to real runners, i'm in a better place physically than i have ever been before. i can't quit. i can't give all that up. i just have to figure it out all again.

i do know that if i keep it going, if i struggle past this "wall", that i'm going to be on the high of my life. both running and parenting. i will not walk, i will run. i'm going to finish my race and not quit.


Megan said...

You are incredible. I love your resolve.

I feel that way too sometimes. I think one of the hardest things about being a parent is that your time is no longer your own. Some days I just want to be selfish. I want to do what I want, when I want to do it, kwim?

I'm sorry. I wish I could take your kids for a couple of hours so you could run. You are great. And you look amazing- seriously. I was in awe of you at the GNO. Keep running- both races. Big hugs.

big d said...

you're amazing! i mean that. you're my motivation. i wish i could transport the boys to my office for a couple of hours, then beam them back home, but that technology is a way off yet...

i'm excited to cheer you on in the wasatch back, and i'm proud of you!