huh.

i recently, like yesterday, ran across a blog from an old friend. i can say old, because we were in high school together, and THAT seems like it was another lifetime. anyway, i was googling myself (sounds dirtier than it is) because i was having a particularly down day, and i was waiting for an auction on ebay. i know, i could be doing something constructive, but i wasn't. however, i did find that i have commented on a lot of blogs. and if you knew me, you would probably find my blog way too easy. i also found out that "meemer" means a lot of things, some of which could be construed as nasty.

back to the point. i ran across this blog. at first i was overwhelmed. new blog material. new things to read. people i actually know in real life. it was awesome. and lots of pictures. i got to looking at all the cute baby pictures, all the cute people pictures. then i was sad. really sad. deep pit in my stomach sad. as if someone dumped a bucket of ice on my soul. there, in these pictures and slide shows, were friends. friends that no longer are friendly. friends that are gone from me.

i know i was never the popular girl, nor the cool girl, but i did have a group of really great people that i hung out with. i know that because i got married so much earlier, that we sort of "fell out". i was the one that was married and working. they were all still off having adventures. my kids are in school, their kids are just born. we just don't have that much in common anymore.

it just still kind of hurts though. to see pictures of everyone together. i know that no ill is meant. and i think that is what hurts more, you know. i mean, to not even have been thought of, that is kinda final, right?

add this experience to some family drama, where we were personally attacked, and i'm just ready to hang it all up. i feel really unsettled today. it's almost like i could cry and kick some ass all at once. unbalanced and uprooted. and maybe just tired. too tired to really want to think anymore. too tired to want to make a connection with anybody. too drained.

poor, poor meemer, right? "no body likes me, everybody hates me, guess i'll go eat worms"! it's kind of a silly little tantrum isn't it? i know i should just turn to my faith and to my family for comfort and acceptance. but neither is really helping me much right now. sort of like a band aid over a wound. it's got to come off sooner or later. and that wound will still be there. i guess this is what life is all about.