is my fly down?

blog speaking? i know, i'm revamping again. i just get so darn bored with the same ol' thing all the time. anyhoo, if you notice something strange, and looking out of place, let me know eh? hopefully we'll be running well by the end of ....by the time i get tired of this template. want to linky-loo, again, let me know and i'll see if i can figure it out...again.

i killed it

have you noticed i haven't been around? maybe i was just ignoring the fact that i said i was going to blog on tuesday, and then never did. maybe. but the truth is, i totally killed my computer. or maybe harry killed it.

we had decided to get motivated to clean up the house before my friend arrived. i decided to play "sweeney todd" from my itunes. (isn't itunes the coolest?!) i had decided to play it because that is what my 7 year old wanted to hear. i don't know if i'd call him really weird or what. anyway, just as that annoying whistle thing sounded, the computer died. it shut down. it just stopped. i couldn't get it to turn back on.

i spent the rest of the day fretting about all my pictures that i haven't backed up, and hoping a bit that big d would get me a smancey new lap top. he didn't, but i didn't loose my pictures either.

my brother in law saved the day. he had an old power supply thing that is what my computer needed. he gave it to us, big d installed and it totally works. i'm pretty happy about that. of course i'm leery of playing "sweeney todd" again.

just some updates

well, sort of.

my geeky kids.

i've decided that i only have one geeky kid. the oldest is still watching star trek movies. he is still building space ships out of legos. the middle child? not so much. he puts up with harry's movie choice, only if there is nothing else to do. harry has insisted on watching them in order. he hasn't yet watched the last one, but i'm sure it's on his radar for today. it's going to kill him that data dies. ah well. it was a crappy movie anyway....

those pesky birds.

they are driving my dog nuts. she sits on the deck watching for them, and when they poke their heads out, she goes nuts barking. it's getting really annoying. i mean, we have the squaking of the birds, and then the barking of the dog.

long lost friends.

one of my sweet friends gave me a call this morning. it was neat. we decided to get together on tuesday. i'm going to take some pictures to remember this by. and maybe post them here. i'm all about feeling special today.

i wanna quit

i've been schlepping my 1 year old around this morning. he had a bad night. he was up for a couple of hours screaming. i have no idea why. he does this more than he should. i know something is bugging him. i just have no idea what, or how to fix when i have no idea what "it" is.

so this morning i'm packing him around. he won't get off my hip. he won't eat by himself. no doubt you are wondering if he is spoiled. he is. he's the baby of the family. he is my sweetheart. the final baby, the bookend. fin

i'm tired from being up all night. i'm tired from walking around with him all day. i'm tired of not knowing what is wrong with him. at his dr. appointment, the dr. wanted us to take fussy to the neurologist, and i'm wondering if that might be a really good idea. not that i want to take my kid to primary children's again, but if it means that someday i can sleep through the night, well...

that doesn't change the fact that i want to quit. i want to be able to get a run in without worrying about nap times, or the fact that i am so exhausted, i might just fall off the treadmill. i want to go to my young women's meetings without someone commenting that i look tired, or sick. i want to be able to clean my house and have it stay clean for an afternoon.

i'm so selfish, i want to take a break from motherhood and take a nice long vacation. but i won't. in fact i'm fine without a clean house. i'm okay with looking tired all the time. i'm okay with inhaling diet coke to keep me awake.

it's the running thing that really has me down. now, i could take a break from it, but i've got so much invested in it. i have a good 75 bucks down on my spot for the wasatch back ragnar relay. i'm both nervous and excited for it. more nervous because i know i'm not going to be ready. my running is pure survival mode right now. i'm running to stay on the treadmill. i'm trying to fit in 3 miles here, 2 miles there. i'm working hard while trying not to be interrupted around a dozen times each run. from tattling to needing a nap. i absolutely loath it. the joy is gone.

but i can't quit. i can't. i've come a long way from when i started running. i've put in a lot of hours. i've ran a lot of miles. i've sacrificed a lot to get where i am now. while it might not be huge to real runners, i'm in a better place physically than i have ever been before. i can't quit. i can't give all that up. i just have to figure it out all again.

i do know that if i keep it going, if i struggle past this "wall", that i'm going to be on the high of my life. both running and parenting. i will not walk, i will run. i'm going to finish my race and not quit.

remember the birds?

they seem to be growing and getting louder each day.

it's amazing how loud they really are. and i know birds. well, i know chickens. and they are loud. but they are big, so you kind of expect that.

i spent friday night with a bunch of my MOF's. a lot of really great women who accept me as me. a lot of friends who really cared about what i am going through.

can i just say how energizing it was.

i got home a bit after midnight, and although big d had fussy duty (they were both asleep) i couldn't stop talking. it could have been the coke talking....but it was wonderful. i feel so released. i feel so much better.

and even when things got a bit hairy yesterday, i was able to think back to my MOF's and all the encouragement and advice.

so thanks, My Online Friends. thanks for being there when my In Real Life Friends have ditched. you guys are seriously WONDERFUL.

check out one of my friends, for a great pic!

huh.

i recently, like yesterday, ran across a blog from an old friend. i can say old, because we were in high school together, and THAT seems like it was another lifetime. anyway, i was googling myself (sounds dirtier than it is) because i was having a particularly down day, and i was waiting for an auction on ebay. i know, i could be doing something constructive, but i wasn't. however, i did find that i have commented on a lot of blogs. and if you knew me, you would probably find my blog way too easy. i also found out that "meemer" means a lot of things, some of which could be construed as nasty.

back to the point. i ran across this blog. at first i was overwhelmed. new blog material. new things to read. people i actually know in real life. it was awesome. and lots of pictures. i got to looking at all the cute baby pictures, all the cute people pictures. then i was sad. really sad. deep pit in my stomach sad. as if someone dumped a bucket of ice on my soul. there, in these pictures and slide shows, were friends. friends that no longer are friendly. friends that are gone from me.

i know i was never the popular girl, nor the cool girl, but i did have a group of really great people that i hung out with. i know that because i got married so much earlier, that we sort of "fell out". i was the one that was married and working. they were all still off having adventures. my kids are in school, their kids are just born. we just don't have that much in common anymore.

it just still kind of hurts though. to see pictures of everyone together. i know that no ill is meant. and i think that is what hurts more, you know. i mean, to not even have been thought of, that is kinda final, right?

add this experience to some family drama, where we were personally attacked, and i'm just ready to hang it all up. i feel really unsettled today. it's almost like i could cry and kick some ass all at once. unbalanced and uprooted. and maybe just tired. too tired to really want to think anymore. too tired to want to make a connection with anybody. too drained.

poor, poor meemer, right? "no body likes me, everybody hates me, guess i'll go eat worms"! it's kind of a silly little tantrum isn't it? i know i should just turn to my faith and to my family for comfort and acceptance. but neither is really helping me much right now. sort of like a band aid over a wound. it's got to come off sooner or later. and that wound will still be there. i guess this is what life is all about.

to my daddy

on his birthday

there are a few memories i have, from being a little girl, that i really treasure. i am sitting in the front of the bluebird candy factory. my daddy brought me there. and i am eating yummy popcorn. i get to look through the ice cream and smell the yummy smells of chocolate all around me. and it's just me and dad. i'm sure we were there for mom, to see her, or to do something for her. but whether i'm just there because he was watching me, or i'm there because i wanted to go, it doesn't matter. because i remember feeling love.

i remember having gone up into the mountain. riding in a big green truck. my sisters were at school. we went up into the mountain to cut wood. i remember riding in the truck next to my daddy. i remember feeling very important. even if i wouldn't go potty in the woods because it was gross. that truck backfired a lot too. it was really scary for me. but it was also pretty cool.

or the time that we went to checker auto parts together. and i won! i won a big bucket full of stuff for cars. how fun for a 16 year old girl. but i still remember that. with a big smile on my face. using that club in my pinto!

my daddy had a way of having me help him. i stood on wood as he cut. that was for the blue boat that he bought. i wanted to name it the "picard" but he didn't. i remember him stripping the closet doors, out by the shed. i remember thinking how smart he was, because he knew how to do that. it involved lots of stinky chemicals. my daddy also built a fence. a long huge fence. because i wanted my wedding reception to be in the back yard of my parent's house, and it needed something like that. it was a big deal. thanks dad. it looked great.

daddy also meant movies. scary stupid movies. the blob for one. i remember watching lots of silly movies that were pretty scary at the time. i also know that because of my dad, i have a love for star trek (see previous post). i also have a deep seated appreciation for john wayne movies. or even blow them up movies.

so besides just saying "happy birthday" , you know, it's been done, i wanted to do something more. i wanted to let you know how much i love you. because you are my dad. you are very important to me. no matter how i acted when i was a teenager.

you instilled in me basic moral laws. that one must be honest. that one must be true to one's self. that we are citizens of this country. that you work hard for what you want. that you take the challenges that come at you with determination. that you don't let anyone tell you that you are not good enough, or not smart enough. that you do what you know is right.

see, my dad is awesome.

that last post...

i don't mean it. family doesn't suck. sometimes people hurt you, and it's easy to get mad. but, we're over it now. keep sending the letters! we will do our best to enjoy hearing from you!

family...

sucks

raising geeks

as of this minute, right now, my kids are all absorbed watching "Star Trek, the movie". big d started watching it last weekend during a treadmill run. harry and chilly are now obsessed with star trek. they insisted that they watch it.

yesterday harry built lego starships almost all day. he got big d's star trek book and tried to copy the pictures. he did a good job too.

when we stopped at walmart to get some stuff, we walked by the video games, in which harry noticed a star trek game for x box. forget the wii, now he's pining for the game and an xbox.

geeks or nerds?

i guess i should add that at my request, we did watch a star trek movie from the good crew. but that isn't geeky, that is just good tv.

just some weird things

1. we have babies. more than one, apparently. one of our vents that leads outside, well the outside cover is broken. some birds moved in. we've been meaning to get them out. it's way too late now. i can hear baby birds chirping and crying. yesterday, we didn't hear them. in fact earlier this morning i didn't hear them. i can hear them right now. they are loud. this is going to be interesting. kinda cool to have birds living in my house. the dog is going nuts.

2. fussy never says "momma" nor does he say "mommy" or "mom". he says "dad" just fine. and "candy", "baby" "buh" (for brother) "ball". but no mommy. so i was coaxing him this morning. everytime i said to say momma, he leaned over and kissed me. what does that say? i'm not sure. maybe he is refusing to say mom but doesn't want to hurt my feelings. maybe he just wants me to shut up. maybe kissing me is his sign for mom. i dunno. it's pretty cute.

3. harry is off track for a MONTH. seriously most of April. he is already bored. he put groceries away, and is working on the dishwasher. i hope he keeps this up!

4. we have soccer every night except for monday, sunday and saturday. okay, so we have a soccer game 4 nights out of the week. it has been loverly weather this spring. the temperature even went pretty warm...until soccer started. we've had a week and it's already snowed twice! poor kids in spring soccer. i can tell you we won't be doing this next year. but that is just weird!

okay, i guess that is it.

remember the other day, when i got those pictures of harry. the ones that i didn't order. the ones that he wasn't happy about. i kept wondering WHY a company would send them home, hoping i'd order more...

i was supposed to send them back, or send in a check to cover the cost. good thing the teacher included a note in harry's back pack. good thing the pictures made it home unscathed. good thing i scanned my own copy.

i just want to complain about this though. i mean, really. who trusts anything in a second graders backpack? do they not realize that it is a miracle that things make it home anyway. most papers are mutilated and destroyed just by being in the backpack. then the journey home. i hate that our elementary school does this. i hate it very much. if i didn't have the pictures to send back, i would have got a bill. and outrageous sum of money for pictures i didn't want in the first place. i think it is shady business. i'm not even a big fan of school pictures in the first place! add to that this second picture day, and i'm a pretty unhappy mom. even though i sent them back, i still would have rather the whole thing never happened.

dyed easter.....dog?

we had a fun idea today. instead of dying easter eggs, let's dye our dog instead.








why? i don't know. because we saw a news story that dyed dogs green for st. patty's. and since we've all been sick. we needed something fun.

it takes a lot of food coloring to dye a dog. a lot. and fussy looks like he's come down with some sort of rash because he was in the line of fire when lexi (the dog) shook out the water and dye. little pink dots all over my baby. i've got one good noodle on my head. we'll probably still look all pink when i go to church on sunday. sigh

smile?

in harry's backpack yesterday was some pictures. the school has pictures taken twice a year...i guess. and although i didn't purchase any, they sent home a package. harry apparently wasn't too keen on getting his picture taken. i'm sure he fought tooth and nail because i didn't dress him up, or pay for a package. he is like that. i'm sure he was upset. look at his face....

poor kid. i think i see tears in his eyes. i can now see that his hand is probably covering a whole in his jeans. and he just looks orphanish to me. it's not my fault that my kid WON'T dress better for school...right?


i know that they want me to buy more prints of this picture. i don't think i will. i mean, c'mon! what is this little 07-08 in the corner. it took me a minute to even figure out what that meant. i know, i am sleep deprived. but can this look any worse? i'm sure it could. he could have actually been crying. or red faced from crying.

picture day at school when i was a kid, was one shot. and you were lucky if your eyes were open. usually our bangs were as crooked as the picture. when they did a class picture, it was a picture where you lined up, shortest to tallest and stood on the bleachers in the gym. not anymore. now days they just take your picture and line it up with your classmates. i guess that cuts out the risk of some kid grabbing his crotch, or someone looking doofy, or seeing the exasperated look of the teacher. i miss that. somehow it was more real.

i know this is so wrong, but it's funny too...

25

memo: to my boss

i've been meaning to talk about accruing more sick leave. it seems i don't get any. i'd like to be able to take a nap while i'm sick. maybe not have laundry. and of course, sleep through the night. and while we're at it, i'd like some vacation time. just the standard week out of every year would be great. i'd like to take it all at once though, i'll even take my work with me, just as long as i'm not scrubbing toilets, making meals, or doing second grade homework. i'd like it to be away from stressful family.

i'd also like my work environment to be cleaned. i feel working with so much poo can be hazardous. as well as legos on the floor, capes on the stairs, and hotwheels in the dark. i'd like not to be known as "the tissue" or "the puke bucket" or "the bandaid"

i'd also like a raise. it seems the 7 year old decided to withhold kisses from me. since that is all i work on, i'd like him to resume payment for feeding/nurturing. he's not allowed to grow up and think i'm not cool. i'd like the 4 year old to at least look like he's listening to me. and i'd really love it if my 1 year old would snuggle, preferably during waking hours.

if you don't meet these, i'm sure it will be no big deal. i seem to work for free anyway. i just thought i'd ask.

MLM! a picture and a story

Once upon a time, a long time ago,

Meemer met big d.

They went one day to get pictures taken together.

They were clever

and fun,

so they decided to take their picture at a playground.

Fun people do that sort of thing.

At the playground, there was this wheel

that was like a hamsters exercise wheel

that spun around,

(poor kids).

Meemer and d decided to take a picture there.

They thought it would be fun to have someone upside down

in the wheel.

D used his muscles and spun it around,

And meemer ran to sit down.

Just as the camera clicked,

D fell on top of meemer.

Thus the picture of big d falling on meemer's head.

That isn't the end of the story...

They still got married, had three boys, and lived happily ever after.

Sometimes, when meemer needs a laugh,

She looks at this picture,

And gets a bit of a chuckle

At big d's bum

Sitting on her head.

laws of nature

there are a few things we humans cannot live without. you know the list, food, water, shelter...yada yada yada.

in our day and country, for most of us, especially if you are reading this bloggy from the coziness of your own home, you have all those things. maybe more than enough. i know i do.

there is one other thing that we need to survive. sleep.

at the present time, i'm running pretty low on this one. and although my baby is over a year old, he still doesn't sleep through the night. i'm cool with that. but he doesn't sleep well. at least last night he didn't sleep well. so i'm a bit cookooo and brain deprived of real sleep. add on top a fussy preschooler who is sicky, and a tired big d, and a super duper grumpy harry pee pants, well, you understand the state of my house.

food, water, shelter, sleep.

weekend update

my mouse on my computer is being wonky. big d and chilly pants gave me a new wireless mouse for christmas. chilly ran the batteries down playing on pbs kids, and since that fate full afternoon, things just haven't worked right. i replaced batteries, but i think the general whacking it took probably did it in. which is sad. i loved it. i still love it although it's wonky.

it snowed. and rained. it was windy, and 60 degrees on saturday. all in one day. wild huh? it was trippy from this end watching the thermometer drop and the wind start. i was bummed i didn't get an outside run in 60 degrees. 60! but i know the warm is coming. eventually right?

happy birthday nephew G. what's up G? yup. 10. crappers, that means that harry turns 8 this year. smokes! this kid thing is really going by fast. we went to his birthday party on sunday. it was filled to the top with all kinds of homemade pizza. and us playing a silly game where you sing into the microphones and act silly. i kicked big d 's butt. seriously, i suck, but he must have sucked worse.

harry ran away from home. he came back. he was very very angry and apparently i am the worlds meanest mom...ever. it's a nice title, don't you think? i need to get shirts made. he might be back to normal now. who knows why the outburst happened. even he is puzzled. i think i might have a teenager who is only 7.

fussy, scooter, or whatever you want to call him, check out bigd's bloggie to see footage of fussy flying. and here's some pictures of him eating his favorite food...apple.

he's really cute huh? today he is trying to plug my headphones into an electrical outlet. lil' stinker. i think he scared the begeebies out of me. i think i might have done the same to him.

and then, to conclude this update on a really happy note, poor chilly is sick. another missed day of preschool, another day lounging on the couch. he has a fever of 150 and really is quite sleepy. you would be too. i hate having sickies. mostly because i really don't want to get the sickies. nor do i want anyone else to get them. poor poor chilly. i hope he gets feeling better soon.

that's it.