taking a break

on account that i have nothing of interest going on in my life right now...wait, that isn't right. there is always interesting things, but really not, you know? who cares how exciting it is for me to see my 2 year old learn new and embarrassing words, or my 8 year old learn life lessons way about his age. or the continuing phone calls about how rowdy and horrible the 5 year old is. i guess that is it. oh, and maybe the onslaught of crappy things that just sort of land in my lap. i think i'm going to take a break for a while. you know, to recharge my batteries and creative juices. i've run all out. i'm in a rut of muck and mud. i've been breathing too much of this smoggy utah air. who knows when i'll be back. maybe when the sun comes out and i don't feel so awful.

until then....

i've had a lot on my mind lately. i've been brooding over several blog posts, most of which are angry, frustrated rants about people that do stupid things. i just can't make sense enough of my feelings to get them down. they sort of all swish into each other in one big emotional hot tub. like a tepid bath of body filth. and while i do think it is cathartic to get it out of me and onto this lil' ol' blog, i'm not sure i want to.

lets just say this:

i hate harry's teacher: really. and i don't really hate people. people annoy me or frustrate me. but i loathe her. she is an evil and vile woman. who needs to wax her upper lip and her eyebrows. how she can even see is a mystery to me.


so there. insert my tongue sticking out picture here.

happy birthday to me

we went out for my birthday on friday night. the boys are having a fun time learning all about japan, so we decided to splurge (hey, it's my birthday) and go out to a japanese restaurant. the boys loved sitting on the floor, having our own little room! big d and i enjoyed the yummy food. the boys mostly did to, i think.


learning how to eat with chopsticks

sitting on the floor, enjoying the big window

successful eating with chopsticks?

remind me next year NOT to take the 2 year old. man, he is a handful.

mmmm sukiyaki, my favorite dish!

it really went well, considering it was sort of "last minute." the 8 year old found out he loves warm mugicha, and the baby loves tofu, at least half the time. it was sad, because we were too poor for the sushi. we decided it needed to be a yearly tradition, eating japanese food. not that we don't eat it at home frequently, but the experience of being in a japanese (well as close as we can get in utah) was well worth it.

real life interval training

i was released from a calling i had for 2.5 years a week or so ago. i was in the young women's and i enjoyed it a lot. well, i did enjoy it until i got burned out, and then had some issues with some of the other leaders. but still, i really liked feeling useful and i enjoyed the interaction i had with the girls i was able to teach.

i was released, without a new calling. i found that weird. and still do. but whatever, right? there is nothing i can do about it, except maybe give crusties to the leadership, including, maybe the bishop. which i totally did.

the bad part about all of this was the timing. see, it's january, aka suckiest time of the year. it's been snowing a lot lately, and i think the sun has been out once since christmas. Savior of the World just ended. i know i was happy for the ending, but still, there is always sadness that comes from something you have worked so hard on, ending. and then i lost my calling.

i felt sort of...useless? definitely not busy. and that was a major change. and sad. all wrapped up in a big indoor smoggy, poopy weather kind of way.

after feeling that way, i went to church on sunday. i was so prepared for a bad day. and then something amazing happened.

fussy went to nursery. by himself. i mean, i stayed in there with him for a minute or two, then i snuck out and stood by the door for a while. he didn't fuss once. which is weird. ya know...fussy?

i went into relief society and then had a great lesson about the brother of jared. which i had totally forgotten and misplaced somewhere in my memory. but it was a good lesson. and it was interesting. and i really like being in there with the sisters from my ward.

and if you are familiar with the story, the brother of jared and his brother and all the people that they were, after crossing and ocean, building barges and all that jazz, camped by the sea for 4 years. and did nothing. for 4 years. and then the Lord came to him and chastised him and they got working again.

it struck me though, because it seems to be pretty consistent with my life. i mean, we have a few years where we are put through hell, with everything going wrong, big changes, hard work. and then we will have a year or so off. i figured it was kind of like interval training. which totally sucks.

running hard at a hard pace for a short period of time, and then running at a slower, or regular pace to recover. and doing that again and again and again. and pretty soon your endurance for that hard pace strengthens and you can totally go longer. we all know intervals are a great way to become better runners, so it makes complete sense that it would work for spiritual and personal things too.

while i still may not be overjoyed at my current state, i need to rest. i need to understand that this is a recovery time. and i think that might be the hardest thing to realize. i know that all too soon, i'm going to be working my tail off again.

hmm, that didn't come out right

i sometimes think all of my interent friends can hear me talking. that they can tell by the tone of my voice what i am meaning to say.

the truth is, they can't.

i've been re-reading some of the things i've been posting here on this blog, and i think i might be coming across as a bit boastful. in my head, the way i type, the way i read it to myself, i think i am just stating what is going on. i mean, i know that i am nothing spectacular, or that my running miles, nor pushup prowess is not that great. nor am i an amazing blogger who has lots of friends.

actually, i'm feeling a bit isecure right now thinking that people are reading this and saying that i am amazing. in either a sarcastic tone, or incredulous, or even honest to goodness wowness. i mean really, i'm not. i don't know why i have blogged these things. maybe just because i have nothing else in my life to blog about? maybe because i was thinking about it? i'm not sure, but please don't go thinking that i mean it in a "i'm so cool" kind of way. cuz i'm not.

so then i guess i am second guessing myself. i do that a lot. sometimes i will go over conversations i had and try to understand what was all meant. or sometimes i try to see what the other side probably thought i meant. i am not very good at getting my point across sometimes. and sometimes i totally put my foot in my mouth and say the wrong thing. and the bad part is when i do that, and i dont' even realize i said something horrible until i have these freak out sessions hours later. what do you do then?

well, in blogdom, i come here and try to re write some things. or i delete things. or i foolishly try to figure out what all the comments mean. and if i haven't got any comments, THEN i really go crazy.

1600 miles

and change.

i'm too lazy to add it all up again, and the scrap of paper i wrote it on is lost. i probably threw it away. anyway, 1600 miles was how many miles i ran in 2008. i am making a note of it, because i'm going to run even more this year. i know, i'm so tempting the fates for something like knee surgery, or a broken ankle, or *gasp* losing another toenail. (and ya know, that toenail thing really hurt!)

seriously though, that 1600 miles saw me through a lot of crap. a lot of mental therapy that i didn't have to pay a dime for...well, except new shoes, band aids, ibuprofen, and maybe some cute running skirts. that is a lot of time away with my thoughts, and a lot of time to work through my problems, without yelling at anyone. except maybe the stupid stray dogs.

and while i am not making any new years resolutions, nor goals, nor anything that sounds like either one, i'm still running. every. day. it's like a sickness. only worse, because when you are sick, you can go to sleep for a week or so and get better, but with running, you gotta go out and run to feel better. it's doing something, rather than letting the world do something to me. it's being in charge, and kicking some one's can all over the place.

i totally win, happy 2009

my sister in law gave me an award for my blog. i'm not big on awards, meaning i don't get many, so i'm feeling a lot of love here.

this is what she wrote about my blog:

"I love the variety of this blog. Meemer isn't afraid to express how she feels, good or bad. Not only is she a good writer, but her posts always include an interesting perspective on the topic, no matter how simple."

nice huh? i have to admit, i felt pretty darn good about it. especially seeing that my bloggy is just a "thing" i do. it has changed a lot over the 3 years that i have been doing it. yeah, i know, 3 YEARS. that is a lot of posts, and a lot of bad writing.

i just want to thank her for making my day brighter. and for being her. she really is an amazing person. not only is she vastly cooler than me (i know!) but she has put up with a lot of stuff in her life. she deserves more of a prize. maybe i should make a bloggy award for people who are amazing? maybe next week, i got a lot going on here in the new year.

speaking of the new year...

i'm not making any resolutions. not because i think i'm perfect. far from. but because i think making a resolution is a recipe for failure. only that you either succeed or fail. you can't sort of stop swearing. or almost stop drinking coke. or pretty close to loosing 20 pounds. you either do it or you don't, right? so i am not going to be doing any of those things. then when i actually do them, i can totally be amazed at my awesomeness. i think it's brilliant!

and was it just me who thinks 2008 shorted us on a month or two. i know 2 weeks from october are missing, but seriously? it cannot be 2009! do you know what that means? it means that my baby turns 2 in just a few weeks! how the hell is that possible. i swear i just pregnant!

and for big d, just because i know he will laugh at this:

things i have learned this year

* turning thirty was no big deal. honestly, who really cares anyway. besides the fact that my thirty can kick my 20's butt.... but then again, the first of the gray hairs keep showing up. and i've got some weird issues going on with my joints, and i definitely can't eat junk food without wanting to barf....

* fussy is growing up faster than his big brothers. really. i know i just had him, and now he's a two year old. and he is also kicking my butt, in almost every sense of that phrase.

*this post is famous. at least i get a couple of hits from this picture almost every day. lots of people must want to know how to dye a dog.

* spring soccer is for crazy people. d'ya remember how cold it was this spring? i think the kids should have played in snow pants. it was miserably cold, and we learned to never ever ever play soccer again. that is how miserable it was.

*birds who build nests in bbq grills won't have genetic furtherance. or should i say, their babies will die. either way. even though it is fun to watch them sort of grow, don't get attached because then you have to bury them.

*running is hard. even when you want to do it for some crazy race. training for a race is hard. running up hills is hard. i don't know why it took me so long to learn this lesson in life. in fact, i may not have learned it, since i signed up again.

*toenails take a long time to grow back. i lost one in may. and it almost looks normal. almost.

*turning 5 is almost as cool as star wars.

*turning 8 is cooler than star trek...not.

*starting a tradition is almost as fun as keeping them.

*chickens are like, the coolest, pet ever. not because they are cute or cuddly or anything like that. it's because they make big eggs.

*lagoon is fun, if your kids are cool. even twice a year is doable.

*getting a deaf dog spur of the moment is fun for the kids. but when mom is up all night with allergies, the poor poochie is sent back.

*nothing in the world beats a family vacation. and i mean the kind of vacation that you pack up and go somewhere that you know your kids will be amazed, and your husband will take over 500 pictures. a good, old fashioned vacay to yellowstone did the trick this year. i wonder what will await us next year?

*nakedness has a beginning. and i think this was it for fussy. this is the exact moment that started the clothes hating and escapee mindset.

*that last twilight book was lame

*i still think this movie rocks. i was saddened that i didn't get it as a christmas present like i asked santa. instead, he gave me a kitchen aid. what can i say?

*i can create a lot of guilt, shame, pain, and disappointment by just saying whatever is on my mind. i tell ya, i had nothing but emails with this post. and i didn't' think it was so bad. but apparently it touched a lot of nerves, made a lot of people mad, and generally made me out to be a big fat bawling baby. however my readers took it, i won't take it down, because it is who i am, it is also who i choose to be. and for that, it stays. so i may be a big fat bawling baby, but who is reading the big fat bawling baby's blog??? huh huh? that is right. which one is worse?

*cutting, or not cutting hair, is still a big deal for a boy.

*snow in october doesn't mean there will be snow in november.

*in an election year, it is possible to win and lose friends by saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

*consistency is the key to keeping up killer arms, abs and running speed.

*i've got a great set of kids, even when they are bad, they are still amazing.

i know i have learned more this year. and i know a big part of learning and REMEMBERING what i have learned is this dumb blog. it keeps me honest when i don't want to be, and it keeps me true to myself. i know i have offended. i know i can say more than i mean to. i know that this little window into my world is incomplete and can be confusing. and to think it all started because i was bored.

and that is the biggest thing i have learned. and am learning. i am in no way perfect. but i am who i am. and i have a pretty sweet life.

happy new year.

christmas eve, eve, eve

when i was a kid, that is how we counted down to christmas. take whatever day it was, and add that many eve's. because we all know that makes sense. we all know how exciting christmas eve is. it's the anticipation more than the actual day.

now i look at is as some sort of wicked mean countdown. like a rocket blasting off. t-3 days and counting. if i don't have my to do list completed, i'm going to be headed for outer space without having gone to the bathroom first, or packing my frozen hot dogs.

so while the kids are excitedly counting the hours and minutes before santa comes, i'm grouching at them, and frantically running around with my chicken head cut off. what i wouldn't give to be more like the kids and actually enjoy these last few days.

feeling it

you know how you sometimes you forget to workout for a while. like a long time. and then you decide that you want to use those muscles like you have been working out? for instance, i was working on the 100 push ups challenge. somewhere ( i like to say october) i kept forgetting. or i didn't want to, or something. so i stopped doing them. then monday, (after an embarrassing comment from harry at church about the squishy-ness of my arms) i decided to do the push ups.

back when i was doing them regularly, i could do quite a few and feel great. so i figured i would be okay.

i did 100.

i can't move my arms today.

it felt great while i was doing them. in fact, it really wasn't hard at all. i wonder why i am so sore?

i guess though, it's true for everything. you stop reading the scriptures, and you end up falling out of that habit. stop running for a while, and it's harder to get going again. it happens with everything hard, right?

tonight is our first show after a week and a half off. it feels like it has been a month since we did the show. i really don't want to go back. not because i don't want to do it or anything, but because i know tomorrow is going to be a killer. harry and i are going to be super tired, mostly because we won't be used to it. those muscles we use to climb up and down the stairs, and those that keep our eyelids open are in for a workout. i hope we are not too sore tomorrow.

*smacking lips in the background*
"i'm trying to kiss my own lips! it's because i love myself so much!"

and that my friends, is one reason i love my taco so very much.

it is way more fun

to shop for christmas for your kids, than to shop for big people. adults want things like gift cards or crock pots. and while i enjoy a good crock o' pot every now and again, it isn't stuff i like to purchase, ya know?

but there is something fun about cleaning out walmart of the indiana jones toys on clearance. or shopping online for great deals on wall-e toys. or fighting the other mom's in toys r us for a lightning mcqueen.

do grown ups fight this madly for irons, or wreaths, or candles? heck no, but you better believe that a toy car can bring the fists out.

if you find shopping for christmas this year lacking, just go on over to the toy isle. or better yet, the isle with the video games.

deja vu

sort of.
only with a movie.

i feel like i've seen this movie before.
about 100 times before.
maybe because i have.
it's normal at our house to hear "..queen...watch...queen"
or "t.v. on, watch queen".

it's getting tiring.
it's getting boring.

although i do have to admit, it's nice to be able to have 20 minutes where fussy isn't crawling on me wanting something.

top ten reasons thanksgiving is better than christmas

10. while they are out there, you don't see as many blow up yard decorations for thanksgiving. people go crazy around here with them. and while that is nice and all, and really, what do i care how tacky your yard looks. maybe if the blow ups looked like what they are trying to represent? if they didn't look so doofy, maybe my opinion would be different.

9. thanksgiving has no annoying music. i mean, you CAN play christmas music, but you don't have to. thank goodness, because if you did, we'd have to start, what, in july?

8. lack of presents. christmas is so overdone. thanksgiving is much more relaxed. i mean, you do have to do some major cooking/baking, but you don't have to buy presents for your niece, your second cousin, or the milk man.

7. for thanksgiving, you don't have some strange fat guy upstaging everything that is important. really, who invited him? and why doesn't he use the door? sure he brings stuff for the kids, but they really already have too much.

6. thanksgiving lasts one day. while technically christmas does too, it just seems like the whole month of december is full of christmasy things to do. by the actual date of christmas, i am pretty bored with it all.

5. christmas doesn't have a dorky parade. while i know this might be something in favor of christmas, really it isn't. big d and i love the macey's thanksgiving day parade. i think it holds a special place in our heart, ever since the year we actually attended. in the rain. sadly, we left new york before we could appreciate anything christmasy the city offered.

4. uh, food! thanksgiving isn't full of questions on what to serve. you serve turkey! and potatoes and yams and stuffing. if you want to add other stuff, that is fine. but you always have turkey. its wonderful to look forward to a special meal. if you don't like something, you can stay way, and you know there will be plenty of food.

3. simplicity, thanksgiving is one meal. you can make it as short or as long as you like. you can eat and then snuggle while watching a movie.

2. thankfulness. i think christmas sells us short. we spend time and money on buying presents that we know will make others happy. we give to the needy (hopefully). we spread good cheer. but thanksgiving is the time when we should focus on what we are grateful for ourselves. no matter what we have. giving is great and wonderful, but being thankful without being broke, is better. it just is.

1. traditions. it seems like everyone has a special thanksgiving tradition. whether it be playing games around the table after, watching football, running in a turkey trott. it is about doing things together with your family. while we were driving down the freeway, on the way to my parents house, i looked at the other cars and realized that most of the people traveling were doing the same thing i was. they were going somewhere to be with people and eat turkey. it kind of connected me to everybody. it's llike a common thread that we can all related too.



i know that my reasons for loving this holiday are probably silly and weird, it is true. thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. the night before i expressed to big d that i was upset that it was already here. we looked at me funny and told me i was weird. he knew how much i looked forward to that day. but he knew why, because now it is over. and we have a whole 'nother year to look forward to it.

this conversation just happened at my house:

taco comes running up to me:
"mom, harry said he'd give me a whole dollar if i cleaned his room"

me: "oh really? a whole dollar huh? that sounds pretty good, if it wasn't so messy."

harry is sitting on the toilet reading a book, "taco, don't tell mom!"

taco: "oh...., uh....., never mind"


i don't know which is worse; that i have an enterprising son that will pay his brother money to do his chores, or the money-loving son who will do manual labor for money? either way, i think my kids are headed for greatness. maybe.

grateful

a couple of weeks ago, i pulled out the winter coats. it wasn't really cold, but it was cold enough for my kids to need them on the way to school. funny enough, both boys had outgrown their old ones. so i went down into the basement where i keep the boxes and boxes of hand me downs. i found a nice one for taco, and a nice one for harry. i washed them and had them out and ready for school the next day.

they were both excited for their new warm coats! it was friday when they first wore them to school. the first friday of november in fact. on the first friday of the month, harry's teacher has show and tell. the topic of show and tell this month was to bring something you are thankful for. of course harry forgot to bring something, but being the guy he is, he thought he would show the class his "new" coat.

this coat isn't new. it's nice and puffy and warm. but not new. it has been through 2 other boys of harry's age. it has a little tear in the arm, it's the permanent dirty color (although it does look okay). it's just not brand new from the store, and it is pretty obvious from looking at it.

so harry stood up in front of his peers and showed them his coat, that he truly is grateful for. he showed them the hood, and the pockets and the puffiness of it. he put it on and told them how warm it was. and they laughed. his fellow students laughed at his coat. his nice warm, puffy, grey coat that he was so thankful for.

it upset harry that the kids didn't take him seriously. he didn't understand why the kids would laugh at his coat. when harry told me this story it made me feel bad. i felt bad because my kids only do know hand me downs, they don't have the coolest new clothes.

but then i felt happy. i was happy for a kid who didn't care. who didn't see the coat as all that, or what his peers saw it for. i have a kid who is grateful for the coat because of what it does, rather than what it means.

and that is huge when you think about it.

naive

that is me. i feel like i am always out of the loop. information seems to float just over my head, or just out of my reach. it's not like i don't try, but sometimes, i don't think to be nosey. or ask too many questions. i've been told i am in "my own little world" too much.

i especially feel this way in my ward. there seems to be two opposing groups of cliques. the cool kids and the misfits. i don't fit in either one. until this weekend, i really didn't know that they existed. i mean, i knew they did, but i had no idea what they did. i'm now sorry i know.

i feel bad, but not really. i don't want to be invited to the parties, because then i have to find some good excuses NOT to go. maybe that is why they don't invite us? what i do feel bad about is the people who DO care about that. why aren't they invited?

then i started wondering why the misfit group really was the misfit group. because the husband is not a member? because they talk too much? because they are competitive? because they have some weird tendencies?

other stuff has been going on, even in my own organization. i feel helpless as to how to remedy it. really i can't. i am glad i know, yet in a way, there really is nothing i can do. i mean, i can stand up and say it isn't right, but that won't change what is going on.

ignorance really is bliss in some cases. i want to go back being naive. i don't want to know about the parties, the girls night outs, the clubs, the scrap booking. i want to be unaware about the pandering. the gossip. the dredging of names through mud puddles. it puts lead right in my heart.

the thing about being naive though, is that once it is gone, you can never get it back. you can pretend, but that usually just ends in you looking foolish.

and another one (or two)

i hope i didn't offend with that last post, because that wasn't the reason for it. i was just wondering. just musing to myself. and i have to admit, those that commented did give me more to think about.

but now i have another question.

i have been doing some family history research. probably 10 years ago i got bit and started finding my roots. it's cyclical though. some months i spend way too long online, doing research, and other times, i can go a year without even thinking about it.

i found some headstones a couple of years ago, almost in my same town, that i knew i was related too. some of my ancestors settled this area when they came across the plains as pioneers. which was so cool to find out. anyway i took some pictures of the headstones. however, at the time i couldn't figure out who they were, or how we were related. it was crazy and i sort of gave up on them. i knew we had to be related, but i just didn't know through who or how.

fast forward to the other day. i'm online doing some research, and looking, when i realize that the headstones that are for these two women, have their married names on them! i mean, duh! but it got me wondering, why don't we put the maiden name on the headstones, since all our records are done that way? it really would make it easier on us simple people, who don't know who was married to who.

that made me think of my posterity, and how crazy it would be to try to piece my history together, so when i die, please carve my maiden name on my grave marker. you can throw it all up there. not that anyone will ever try to find out who i was or anything, i just like to give credit to my family too. seriously.

i did figure out where these two ladies fit. they were polygamist wives of some guy from my family history. they were buried side by side. i still find it kind of weird, but kind of cool too. they are my great great (great?)aunts. it's nice to know.

prince and princess...a double standard

i don't get how having a girl means it's okay to call her "princess", or "her majesty"? maybe it's because i don't have a daughter. if i were to call my boys, "prince", or his "royal highness", it would sound sarcastic and mean. if i were to label my child that way, it would mean he was a spoiled brat. on a boy, that is bad.

but with a girl, it seems that is okay, or even expected.

having a daughter automatically makes it okay to spoil your child? to profess their royalty?

now, i get some of it. i know that as women, we need to teach our girls that they are special. that they are daughters of God. that each of them are really princesses. by calling them that every day though, does that make it less important? does it take away from the times when they really do need to know?

what about our boys though? do they have less of a need to know where they come from?

i don't mean to offend, if you call your daughter by those names. i just wonder why the double standard? why can't i tell my son that they truly are a prince? it just sounds so gay. or condescending.

instead, we call our boys, "buddy", "champ", or "junior" or other assorted silly names. and if we hint in the least that he has his mommy wrapped around his finger, it's a bad thing. instead of a sweet thing when it's a little girl.

while i'm at it, what is with the "snakes and snails and puppy dog tails"? isn't that a bit freaky. or grotesque? but girls get "sugar and spice and everything nice". how is this fair? who made these up? why do we have to expect our child to conform to these limited gender descriptions?

what do you think? am i over thinking this? or am i just a bitter and jealous mother of boys?

fussy

i know i've mentioned this before, but the stripping has got to stop. i mean this in the most motherly way possible. the mom in me that has to clean up the mess from a little almost 2 year old peeing on everything. or worse. and yes, the worse happens. like a paintbrush. i've never been SO grateful for leather couches that can wipe mostly clean.

poor taco had a moment the other day, when he was upset by the fact that his little brother can strip with ease. i heard the words that are probably more frequent to the ears of mothers of boys.

"mom, he PEED on me!"

i tell ya, i don't know exactly what to do.

other than have the mop handy at a moments notice.