things i have learned this year

* turning thirty was no big deal. honestly, who really cares anyway. besides the fact that my thirty can kick my 20's butt.... but then again, the first of the gray hairs keep showing up. and i've got some weird issues going on with my joints, and i definitely can't eat junk food without wanting to barf....

* fussy is growing up faster than his big brothers. really. i know i just had him, and now he's a two year old. and he is also kicking my butt, in almost every sense of that phrase.

*this post is famous. at least i get a couple of hits from this picture almost every day. lots of people must want to know how to dye a dog.

* spring soccer is for crazy people. d'ya remember how cold it was this spring? i think the kids should have played in snow pants. it was miserably cold, and we learned to never ever ever play soccer again. that is how miserable it was.

*birds who build nests in bbq grills won't have genetic furtherance. or should i say, their babies will die. either way. even though it is fun to watch them sort of grow, don't get attached because then you have to bury them.

*running is hard. even when you want to do it for some crazy race. training for a race is hard. running up hills is hard. i don't know why it took me so long to learn this lesson in life. in fact, i may not have learned it, since i signed up again.

*toenails take a long time to grow back. i lost one in may. and it almost looks normal. almost.

*turning 5 is almost as cool as star wars.

*turning 8 is cooler than star trek...not.

*starting a tradition is almost as fun as keeping them.

*chickens are like, the coolest, pet ever. not because they are cute or cuddly or anything like that. it's because they make big eggs.

*lagoon is fun, if your kids are cool. even twice a year is doable.

*getting a deaf dog spur of the moment is fun for the kids. but when mom is up all night with allergies, the poor poochie is sent back.

*nothing in the world beats a family vacation. and i mean the kind of vacation that you pack up and go somewhere that you know your kids will be amazed, and your husband will take over 500 pictures. a good, old fashioned vacay to yellowstone did the trick this year. i wonder what will await us next year?

*nakedness has a beginning. and i think this was it for fussy. this is the exact moment that started the clothes hating and escapee mindset.

*that last twilight book was lame

*i still think this movie rocks. i was saddened that i didn't get it as a christmas present like i asked santa. instead, he gave me a kitchen aid. what can i say?

*i can create a lot of guilt, shame, pain, and disappointment by just saying whatever is on my mind. i tell ya, i had nothing but emails with this post. and i didn't' think it was so bad. but apparently it touched a lot of nerves, made a lot of people mad, and generally made me out to be a big fat bawling baby. however my readers took it, i won't take it down, because it is who i am, it is also who i choose to be. and for that, it stays. so i may be a big fat bawling baby, but who is reading the big fat bawling baby's blog??? huh huh? that is right. which one is worse?

*cutting, or not cutting hair, is still a big deal for a boy.

*snow in october doesn't mean there will be snow in november.

*in an election year, it is possible to win and lose friends by saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

*consistency is the key to keeping up killer arms, abs and running speed.

*i've got a great set of kids, even when they are bad, they are still amazing.

i know i have learned more this year. and i know a big part of learning and REMEMBERING what i have learned is this dumb blog. it keeps me honest when i don't want to be, and it keeps me true to myself. i know i have offended. i know i can say more than i mean to. i know that this little window into my world is incomplete and can be confusing. and to think it all started because i was bored.

and that is the biggest thing i have learned. and am learning. i am in no way perfect. but i am who i am. and i have a pretty sweet life.

happy new year.

christmas eve, eve, eve

when i was a kid, that is how we counted down to christmas. take whatever day it was, and add that many eve's. because we all know that makes sense. we all know how exciting christmas eve is. it's the anticipation more than the actual day.

now i look at is as some sort of wicked mean countdown. like a rocket blasting off. t-3 days and counting. if i don't have my to do list completed, i'm going to be headed for outer space without having gone to the bathroom first, or packing my frozen hot dogs.

so while the kids are excitedly counting the hours and minutes before santa comes, i'm grouching at them, and frantically running around with my chicken head cut off. what i wouldn't give to be more like the kids and actually enjoy these last few days.

feeling it

you know how you sometimes you forget to workout for a while. like a long time. and then you decide that you want to use those muscles like you have been working out? for instance, i was working on the 100 push ups challenge. somewhere ( i like to say october) i kept forgetting. or i didn't want to, or something. so i stopped doing them. then monday, (after an embarrassing comment from harry at church about the squishy-ness of my arms) i decided to do the push ups.

back when i was doing them regularly, i could do quite a few and feel great. so i figured i would be okay.

i did 100.

i can't move my arms today.

it felt great while i was doing them. in fact, it really wasn't hard at all. i wonder why i am so sore?

i guess though, it's true for everything. you stop reading the scriptures, and you end up falling out of that habit. stop running for a while, and it's harder to get going again. it happens with everything hard, right?

tonight is our first show after a week and a half off. it feels like it has been a month since we did the show. i really don't want to go back. not because i don't want to do it or anything, but because i know tomorrow is going to be a killer. harry and i are going to be super tired, mostly because we won't be used to it. those muscles we use to climb up and down the stairs, and those that keep our eyelids open are in for a workout. i hope we are not too sore tomorrow.

*smacking lips in the background*
"i'm trying to kiss my own lips! it's because i love myself so much!"

and that my friends, is one reason i love my taco so very much.

it is way more fun

to shop for christmas for your kids, than to shop for big people. adults want things like gift cards or crock pots. and while i enjoy a good crock o' pot every now and again, it isn't stuff i like to purchase, ya know?

but there is something fun about cleaning out walmart of the indiana jones toys on clearance. or shopping online for great deals on wall-e toys. or fighting the other mom's in toys r us for a lightning mcqueen.

do grown ups fight this madly for irons, or wreaths, or candles? heck no, but you better believe that a toy car can bring the fists out.

if you find shopping for christmas this year lacking, just go on over to the toy isle. or better yet, the isle with the video games.

deja vu

sort of.
only with a movie.

i feel like i've seen this movie before.
about 100 times before.
maybe because i have.
it's normal at our house to hear "..queen...watch...queen"
or "t.v. on, watch queen".

it's getting tiring.
it's getting boring.

although i do have to admit, it's nice to be able to have 20 minutes where fussy isn't crawling on me wanting something.

top ten reasons thanksgiving is better than christmas

10. while they are out there, you don't see as many blow up yard decorations for thanksgiving. people go crazy around here with them. and while that is nice and all, and really, what do i care how tacky your yard looks. maybe if the blow ups looked like what they are trying to represent? if they didn't look so doofy, maybe my opinion would be different.

9. thanksgiving has no annoying music. i mean, you CAN play christmas music, but you don't have to. thank goodness, because if you did, we'd have to start, what, in july?

8. lack of presents. christmas is so overdone. thanksgiving is much more relaxed. i mean, you do have to do some major cooking/baking, but you don't have to buy presents for your niece, your second cousin, or the milk man.

7. for thanksgiving, you don't have some strange fat guy upstaging everything that is important. really, who invited him? and why doesn't he use the door? sure he brings stuff for the kids, but they really already have too much.

6. thanksgiving lasts one day. while technically christmas does too, it just seems like the whole month of december is full of christmasy things to do. by the actual date of christmas, i am pretty bored with it all.

5. christmas doesn't have a dorky parade. while i know this might be something in favor of christmas, really it isn't. big d and i love the macey's thanksgiving day parade. i think it holds a special place in our heart, ever since the year we actually attended. in the rain. sadly, we left new york before we could appreciate anything christmasy the city offered.

4. uh, food! thanksgiving isn't full of questions on what to serve. you serve turkey! and potatoes and yams and stuffing. if you want to add other stuff, that is fine. but you always have turkey. its wonderful to look forward to a special meal. if you don't like something, you can stay way, and you know there will be plenty of food.

3. simplicity, thanksgiving is one meal. you can make it as short or as long as you like. you can eat and then snuggle while watching a movie.

2. thankfulness. i think christmas sells us short. we spend time and money on buying presents that we know will make others happy. we give to the needy (hopefully). we spread good cheer. but thanksgiving is the time when we should focus on what we are grateful for ourselves. no matter what we have. giving is great and wonderful, but being thankful without being broke, is better. it just is.

1. traditions. it seems like everyone has a special thanksgiving tradition. whether it be playing games around the table after, watching football, running in a turkey trott. it is about doing things together with your family. while we were driving down the freeway, on the way to my parents house, i looked at the other cars and realized that most of the people traveling were doing the same thing i was. they were going somewhere to be with people and eat turkey. it kind of connected me to everybody. it's llike a common thread that we can all related too.



i know that my reasons for loving this holiday are probably silly and weird, it is true. thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. the night before i expressed to big d that i was upset that it was already here. we looked at me funny and told me i was weird. he knew how much i looked forward to that day. but he knew why, because now it is over. and we have a whole 'nother year to look forward to it.

this conversation just happened at my house:

taco comes running up to me:
"mom, harry said he'd give me a whole dollar if i cleaned his room"

me: "oh really? a whole dollar huh? that sounds pretty good, if it wasn't so messy."

harry is sitting on the toilet reading a book, "taco, don't tell mom!"

taco: "oh...., uh....., never mind"


i don't know which is worse; that i have an enterprising son that will pay his brother money to do his chores, or the money-loving son who will do manual labor for money? either way, i think my kids are headed for greatness. maybe.

grateful

a couple of weeks ago, i pulled out the winter coats. it wasn't really cold, but it was cold enough for my kids to need them on the way to school. funny enough, both boys had outgrown their old ones. so i went down into the basement where i keep the boxes and boxes of hand me downs. i found a nice one for taco, and a nice one for harry. i washed them and had them out and ready for school the next day.

they were both excited for their new warm coats! it was friday when they first wore them to school. the first friday of november in fact. on the first friday of the month, harry's teacher has show and tell. the topic of show and tell this month was to bring something you are thankful for. of course harry forgot to bring something, but being the guy he is, he thought he would show the class his "new" coat.

this coat isn't new. it's nice and puffy and warm. but not new. it has been through 2 other boys of harry's age. it has a little tear in the arm, it's the permanent dirty color (although it does look okay). it's just not brand new from the store, and it is pretty obvious from looking at it.

so harry stood up in front of his peers and showed them his coat, that he truly is grateful for. he showed them the hood, and the pockets and the puffiness of it. he put it on and told them how warm it was. and they laughed. his fellow students laughed at his coat. his nice warm, puffy, grey coat that he was so thankful for.

it upset harry that the kids didn't take him seriously. he didn't understand why the kids would laugh at his coat. when harry told me this story it made me feel bad. i felt bad because my kids only do know hand me downs, they don't have the coolest new clothes.

but then i felt happy. i was happy for a kid who didn't care. who didn't see the coat as all that, or what his peers saw it for. i have a kid who is grateful for the coat because of what it does, rather than what it means.

and that is huge when you think about it.

naive

that is me. i feel like i am always out of the loop. information seems to float just over my head, or just out of my reach. it's not like i don't try, but sometimes, i don't think to be nosey. or ask too many questions. i've been told i am in "my own little world" too much.

i especially feel this way in my ward. there seems to be two opposing groups of cliques. the cool kids and the misfits. i don't fit in either one. until this weekend, i really didn't know that they existed. i mean, i knew they did, but i had no idea what they did. i'm now sorry i know.

i feel bad, but not really. i don't want to be invited to the parties, because then i have to find some good excuses NOT to go. maybe that is why they don't invite us? what i do feel bad about is the people who DO care about that. why aren't they invited?

then i started wondering why the misfit group really was the misfit group. because the husband is not a member? because they talk too much? because they are competitive? because they have some weird tendencies?

other stuff has been going on, even in my own organization. i feel helpless as to how to remedy it. really i can't. i am glad i know, yet in a way, there really is nothing i can do. i mean, i can stand up and say it isn't right, but that won't change what is going on.

ignorance really is bliss in some cases. i want to go back being naive. i don't want to know about the parties, the girls night outs, the clubs, the scrap booking. i want to be unaware about the pandering. the gossip. the dredging of names through mud puddles. it puts lead right in my heart.

the thing about being naive though, is that once it is gone, you can never get it back. you can pretend, but that usually just ends in you looking foolish.

and another one (or two)

i hope i didn't offend with that last post, because that wasn't the reason for it. i was just wondering. just musing to myself. and i have to admit, those that commented did give me more to think about.

but now i have another question.

i have been doing some family history research. probably 10 years ago i got bit and started finding my roots. it's cyclical though. some months i spend way too long online, doing research, and other times, i can go a year without even thinking about it.

i found some headstones a couple of years ago, almost in my same town, that i knew i was related too. some of my ancestors settled this area when they came across the plains as pioneers. which was so cool to find out. anyway i took some pictures of the headstones. however, at the time i couldn't figure out who they were, or how we were related. it was crazy and i sort of gave up on them. i knew we had to be related, but i just didn't know through who or how.

fast forward to the other day. i'm online doing some research, and looking, when i realize that the headstones that are for these two women, have their married names on them! i mean, duh! but it got me wondering, why don't we put the maiden name on the headstones, since all our records are done that way? it really would make it easier on us simple people, who don't know who was married to who.

that made me think of my posterity, and how crazy it would be to try to piece my history together, so when i die, please carve my maiden name on my grave marker. you can throw it all up there. not that anyone will ever try to find out who i was or anything, i just like to give credit to my family too. seriously.

i did figure out where these two ladies fit. they were polygamist wives of some guy from my family history. they were buried side by side. i still find it kind of weird, but kind of cool too. they are my great great (great?)aunts. it's nice to know.

prince and princess...a double standard

i don't get how having a girl means it's okay to call her "princess", or "her majesty"? maybe it's because i don't have a daughter. if i were to call my boys, "prince", or his "royal highness", it would sound sarcastic and mean. if i were to label my child that way, it would mean he was a spoiled brat. on a boy, that is bad.

but with a girl, it seems that is okay, or even expected.

having a daughter automatically makes it okay to spoil your child? to profess their royalty?

now, i get some of it. i know that as women, we need to teach our girls that they are special. that they are daughters of God. that each of them are really princesses. by calling them that every day though, does that make it less important? does it take away from the times when they really do need to know?

what about our boys though? do they have less of a need to know where they come from?

i don't mean to offend, if you call your daughter by those names. i just wonder why the double standard? why can't i tell my son that they truly are a prince? it just sounds so gay. or condescending.

instead, we call our boys, "buddy", "champ", or "junior" or other assorted silly names. and if we hint in the least that he has his mommy wrapped around his finger, it's a bad thing. instead of a sweet thing when it's a little girl.

while i'm at it, what is with the "snakes and snails and puppy dog tails"? isn't that a bit freaky. or grotesque? but girls get "sugar and spice and everything nice". how is this fair? who made these up? why do we have to expect our child to conform to these limited gender descriptions?

what do you think? am i over thinking this? or am i just a bitter and jealous mother of boys?

fussy

i know i've mentioned this before, but the stripping has got to stop. i mean this in the most motherly way possible. the mom in me that has to clean up the mess from a little almost 2 year old peeing on everything. or worse. and yes, the worse happens. like a paintbrush. i've never been SO grateful for leather couches that can wipe mostly clean.

poor taco had a moment the other day, when he was upset by the fact that his little brother can strip with ease. i heard the words that are probably more frequent to the ears of mothers of boys.

"mom, he PEED on me!"

i tell ya, i don't know exactly what to do.

other than have the mop handy at a moments notice.

buyers remorse

things i have regretted purchasing this week:

*that 4 bags of the mega size candy mix. it was clearance-d out for .79, on a bag that originally cost $8. we thought it was a good idea at the time, but now, thinking more clearly, how in the heck am i going to get rid of 4 bags of tootsie rolls?

*that squeaky mouse that runs around the house. the baby loves it! he turns it on and off all during the day. sure it was clearance-d out, but i'm sure that given that dollar back, i'd rather eat it than listen to that stupid mouse.

*the huge size sam's club barrel of cheese puffs. 'nuff said

*the happy meals for 3 boys that included a stupid talking giraffe. it's really annoying. really times 3.

*rubber snakes and spider. only because i'm looking at them and wishing someone else would pick them up and put them away.

the list

(i got this from lyn)

1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars ( on a trampoline no less)

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a Meteor Shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity (is tithing considered charity?)

7. Been to Disneyland (like i remember it!)

8. Climbed a Mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped (the night before i got married!)

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty (more climbing than walking)

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill (all the time!)

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a Lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping (sorry mom and dad, but yes)

27. Run a Marathon (not yet, but soon)

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse (of the moon or sun?)

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run (6th grade!)

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (when i was 11, right?)

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke (at high school graduation no less!)

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt (meh, seen it lots)

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight (sure it was a lake, but still)

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling (no way in hell!)

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie (sure, it was one i made, but still...)

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies ( i remember going with my girl scout friend)

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma ( i always have an excuse NOT to)

65. Gone sky diving ( i did the bungee thing...)

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check ( should i be proud?)

68. Flown in a helicopter (insert sad face)

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy ( i know i got somethin!)

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial (we drove by...)

71. Eaten Caviar ( yuck)

72. Pieced a quilt (it doesn't say anything about sewing it)

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades ( where?)

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone (toe)

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car (10 years ago, and still have it!)

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Read the entire Bible

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life (is feeding my children considered this?)

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby (3 actually)

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake ( gross)

97. Been involved in a law suit (is a lawsuit when the city takes you to court?)

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee

my list is really quite lame. i need to get out more. how 'bout you?

since big d isn't going to do it

i might as well post some pictures of our halloween. not that they are great pictures. cuz they aren't. we went trick or treating and i forgot about taking pictures before we left. ah well, next year, huh?

the oldest, supposedly captain kirk. yes i KNOW it is a uniform from the next generation. i am having my own dilemma because of that. but he was happy.

And this kid! well, he has several costumes that he regularly wears, so we had no idea he was going to be harry potter until halloween night. he did look better, i think. but with a smile like that, who cares what you look like, people will give you lots of candy.

and this one, well, this isn't actually from halloween night, but he looked the same. only instead of a stroller, i carried him the whole way. and yes, i know you can't even see that he is a skeleton. i told you before, bad pictures!

and yes, i think i'm very pissed off in the picture. and the makeup is all smudgy, and i'm tired and my feet hurt. but there ya go. you got a problem with that?

and finally, big d, who was called everything from one of our founding fathers, to isaac newton, to the guy on corpse bride? i think his costume is really young scrooge, but who's counting anyway.

so there you have it.

no matter what you say....

children will listen.

anybody know the song? anybody know that show?

well, the song is from the show "into the woods" by stephen sondheim. it's a great song, and one that i think about when ever i am talking or in a discussion with my kids right there. and even a few times, i taken heed and not spewed forth something that was hurtful, or would give my child the wrong impression.

but apparently not everyone thinks that way.


they held elections at school this year. i remembered doing that in elementary school. harry was so proud to come and tell me that he voted for obama. and then he told me that on the playground, other kids were mean to him. they would ask each other who they voted for, and when my son would answer, they would tell him that he was wrong, and that was stupid. they would tell my son that obama was going to take the guns away. obama was going to make all the white people slaves. obama was going to make everyone poor and take their houses away. obama was a terrorist and was going to crash planes into buildings. and other assorted outlandish things.

i wonder what my kid will face going to school today.

top ten things bugging me lately

10. the election.

bless the fact it is election day. i am thankful that i can curl up on my couch and watch the world explode. not really, but i am excited to see history. that is how i look at this election. i don't really care the sides or the issues anymore. i've argued myself out. i just want to see what happens when the dust settles. i am done though. i don't want to hear another word, i don't want to try and figure out who is the bad guy. i want to be blissfully unaware.

9. big d work schedule.

poor big d is working like mad. on a huge project. he will be gone all week long. we might see him friday, but i don't know for sure. i'm not really holding my breath. it's sort of a bummer because when he pulls into the driveway at 1 am, i'm not all cool with sharing the bed anymore. i think he can tell that when he politely asks me to move over. and we have a size king bed. i'm just selfish ya know.

8. harry

harry is doing great at school. we went back on track this week, and for 2 days, he has come home happy. really happy. and he is doing well. really really well. the other night, as i was settling him into his bed, he was crying. he was feeling how blessed he is and he was overcome. it's moments like that.... those are the moments that melt my heart. and no matter how hard we've been on him, i know he gets it. and then on the way to school, he will punch his brother when he thinks i'm not looking.

7. taco (previously known as chilly)

he's totally into high school musical. really into it. and while it was cute the first time. and maybe a bit of the second, i'm kind of turned off by the fact that he wants to dance and actually BE troy. i mean, it's weird. he was totally anti hsm, until his cousin lent it to him. now he can't get enough. and enough is enough. and i can't imagine those who have been on this ride for a long time.

6. fussy

the kid is going through some major 2 issues. he screams, he undresses himself. he doesn't nap. and he screams. and screams and screams and hits and screams. i have a headache at 9 am. i wish i could get him not to scream because it's loud and hurtful and really loud and i hate it. really. i can't think of a more annoying sound. even the yapping dog is better than the scream that he screams

5. the show

we have an audience in a week. a week. and we have 2 rehearsals until then. and i am not ready. i totally am doing this for harry, which is weird, you would think that would give me more, but it actually seems to be harder. it is so much work to remember someone else things and get them in the right place. and i'm going at this, trying to give 100% even though i know i don't have it in me anymore. and that feels wrong and weird. and sort of like i am cheating. i want this to be a good experience for my kid. and it used to be something i really loved, and it didn't matter how hard it was. have i changed? i know i have, but have i changed that much?


4. running

i do a 40 mile week last week. and i feel it. not really with my legs, just my brain. the last thing i want to do right now is put on my shoes and go for a run. but i do. every day. and i don't know why. and it's cold, so my running is starting to be mainly on the treadmill. which sucks the life out of anything fun do with running.

3. parenting

is about making mistakes right. i think we have made a few here and there. and everywhere. but you know what, my kids are hard. maybe i could have done things different. but i think i've done a damn good job so far. my kids aren't the normal type of kids. they are different. they are creative and explore and are full of life. i think that is good. but it bugs me when people think that the way i am raising my kids is what is causing some of their issues. because it's not. they have those issues because that is who they are, and that is who they have been since day one.

2. weather

i am so affected by the weather. i love the rain, but it makes me sad. i love the snow, but it makes me want to stay home and watch tv. and it's getting to that time of year. my friend explained fall as a time to "button all her kids in at home and stay close for the rest of the winter" and i love that. it feels so warm and homey. i like warm soups. i like hot chocolate. and i like snuggling on the couch and watching movies. or listening to music. but i have to get things done. i can't take days off and just sit and watch movies. i have to leave to buy groceries to feed the kids, to run the errands, take the kids to and from school. and almost every time i feel sad to pull out of my driveway.

1. me

i feel like i've pulled all of myself. i feel like i've taken the innermost of myself and used it all up. i know it's because i am using everything i have to keep things going. it's all of these things stuck together. and all of them have to come from me. i love all these things, and some of them are what keep me going, and some of them are just taking from me, and i feel worn out and done in the same breath. it's all hard. it's like reaching the next level on the video game. i can't not do it, because i've got to play. but i want to hand the controller over to someone else before i lose all my hearts. someone who knows how to get through this level. and the sucky thing is, i know that the next level is going to get even harder somehow, so i should just enjoy this level right now.

i've decided

i'm not taking the halloween decorations down until it is time to put up the christmas ones. mostly because i'm lazy. and mostly because my house is in major need of some new decor. but mostly mostly because i absolutly love how fussy says "ske-tun" or "pupins" and "piders". and who cares really? so my house has skeletons all over the walls and assorted pumpkins everywhere. i like halloween. and so do my kids.

and yes, eventually i will show you what they looked like in their costumes. or maybe big d will.

i'm not ready to be a borg

i tell ya, the things you think about when you are running.


i put in star trek while i was running on the treadmill today. it was the movie about the borg. you remember the one? anyway, i was physically running and running through some stuff in my head. i was thinking about how hard it is to be different in this lds culture. how hard it is to be more liberal in a very conservative state.

then i saw some character say "resistance is futile" and i started laughing. because that is how i feel. i'm sort of in the bottom of a sludge, and trying to get my point across really seems futile.

it just seems that this current election is so charged with emotion. at least from where i stand. i get emails daily about how the fate of the world is resting on one person, and who we choose for president. i see the emails that involve quotes from general authorities, or false emails from general authorities. and then it is implied, that if i don't agree, then i must not be spiritual enough, or mormon enough. that is a lot of pressure to put on someone, don't you think?

i don't think the fate of the world rests on who wins the election. in fact, i'm sure that all the rhetoric will be forgotten in the months to come. i don't know how much power a single person in this country has. i'm sure there are single persons' with extreme power, but i doubt they are the kind that we actually vote for, ya know?

but i still am not ready to give in, and sign up. i'm not ready for the implied brain implant and the loss of my self. i can only be true to myself, even if that means that i am in a room full of angry space robots.

yeah, i know, i'm totally a geek.

until further notice....

chilly will be known as taco. fussy has henceforth renamed his brother by saying his name as taco. taco. it makes us giggle every time. and since chilly hates the nickname chilly, this will work better anyway. he already answers to the name taco.

so let it be written, so let it be done.

letting it go

my boys were playing with hot wheels the other day. they were driving them around on the floor. all three of them. pushing them as fast as they would go over the hard floors. it was crazy and loud. i never understand some things that little boys do, and this is one of them. not that i don't get cars, it's just that i was always bored with driving them around.

anyway, chilly pushed his car and it zoomed right under the stove. all the way to the wall. crying ensued, even though, we have about a billion of these cars. big brother came to the rescue.

harry found a flashlight, and peered under the stove. he sat there for a good 5 minutes before his plan worked through in his head. it was all very entertaining to watch. then he was up and getting the tools necessary for the car's retrieval.

except it wasn't so easy. there is a lip of where the pergo floor doesn't cover the sub floor next to the back wall. conveniently the car had landed there and was stuck. harry tried everything, from broom handles to mop handles to his own skinny arms. he took out the broiler drawer and tried to delicately stick his arm back there to retrieve the car. i sat back and watched the whole thing. well, i wasn't sitting, i was busy.

there was a problem though, i had to leave to get to a meeting, and they hadn't got the car yet. but i had to go, and they had to go with me (curse you off track school!). so it was to the church we go. after a lengthy meeting in which all the boys were deathly bored, we got home. and plan b was in place and going.

more tools and more cursing. (yes, cursing). more tears of upset as still they couldn't reach the car, nor push it anywhere. chilly gave up and was happy finding another car. then he wanted his brother to give up and play with him.

harry couldn't leave it alone. he kept at it. i was curious to how long he would keep it up, so i just held back and watched. tears and cursing. frustration. anger. lots of yelling. then he became desperate and pleading. finally after 4 hours of working hard to get this car from under the stove, he finally gave up. he put the brooms and mops away. he stormed off saying "I GIVE UP!" and was mean to everyone around him for the rest of the day.

of course it was still on his mind. and it still is today. he keeps wondering how he can get that little car out from under the stove. it's eating him up inside. he is moody and grumpy and unwilling to do anything. while chilly, has completely forgot about and is happy playing whatever they are playing with today.

there are so many little hot wheels stuck under stoves in our lives. little wrongs that we cannot make right. but we try and work and wear ourselves out. why do we want to make other people miserable when something that is out of our reach bothers us? when in reality we would be happy and content if we would just forget and move on. so that is my new plan. i'm going to try really hard to let those small things rest. what do i gain to be all worked up over a little car stuck under the stove? i need to learn to just let it go. and really, harry needs to learn it too, and quick!

harry

i guess i have to start this story early. today is saturday. harry and i go to rehearsal down in salt lake. it is a good amount of time for us to make it on time. i got up early and went for a run this morning, and when i came home, i was trying to get harry to hurry. so we could go.

at one point he came in with a nice sweater vest and pants and showed me. he was excited to look nice today. okay. cool. get dressed dude, and lets go.

so we make it on time to rehearsal. pretty typical stuff. lots of music, lots of singing. so for harry, it means lots of reading.

about 2 hours into rehearsal, they call us out to go try on our costumes. i had no idea we would be fitted for costumes today. it is super exciting for harry. we have our costumes in hand, and i am wondering what to do.

we do have a pretty open door policy at our house, but this is public. harry needs to get dressed in the men's dressing room, and i don't go in there. after leading him there, and practically shoving him in the door, he has a look of panic on his face. i ask him what is wrong.

apparently he never put on underwear this morning. and when i told him he needed to take his clothes off and wear his nice costume, the thought of not having any underoos to cover his junk was too much for him.

so he changed in the bathroom. by himself.

i was shocked. surprised. i don't think i knew that my kid often went without undies. now i'm gonna have to check. it was only slightly embarrassing when i had to help him with his sandals and he flashed me. i also mentioned to the costumer not to lift his robe up too much, or she would get an eye full.

i tell ya, the weirdest things happen when you have kids.

2 weeks

2 more weeks of off track school. only 2. that's like 10 weekdays. 14 days in all. i think i should make a paper count down chain.

it seems like the year is going to fly after this.

i'm not ready for it. i'm not ready for snow. i'm not ready for winter. i'm not ready for the blah of january. for fuss to turn two. i'm just not cool with all that yet.

election

did you watch the debate last night? you know, between those two losers that are running for president?

we did. sort of. mostly we had it on while dearest son #1 was trying to tell me something, and dearest son #2 was complaining about something, and dearest son #3 was trying to cuddle.

but we had it on anyway. during a boring part of our family life, i asked harry which guy i should vote for. which guy he liked better. mccain was talking at that point and he looked at the tv with frown and said "the other guy".

so i waited until obama talked and then asked him
" this guy?"

"yeah."

and then chilly pipped in.
"yeah, i like this guy a lot more than that other guy, the old one"

so, if i take the word from my very observant and discerning child, i would tell you that i'm a votin' for obama. not that you were wondering, right?

meemer's take on the crappy economy

i was also at the local post office today, where a "guy" was talking to the lady behind the counter about how our government losers should all be shot and hung. or disemboweled. something like that. as he exited the building ( i was hoping for an armed escort, but what can you do?) he said

"i am just so freaking angry about everything that is going on!"

yeah, we gottcha buddy.

i'm not smart. nor am i an expert on anything....well, i could be considered an expert on pooh, but that is a different story.

i think it has to do with being really greedy. i mean, everybody has been greedy. the banks, the consumers, the banks. you know, the people who decided that we could afford house-payments-that-are-the-same-size-as-the-paycheck kind of thing. it makes me wonder, if our country would be hurting right now if we didn't all just "live within our means". if we could have just bought what we needed and nothing else. if we could have just tucked some of that money away, instead of buying the car new, or paying out the nose for cable, would we be in a better place? if we all walked more, reused more clothes, grew more gardens, supported our local farmers, ate out less, and stopped buying all the useless crap to fill up our mcmansions. if when buying a new house, we chose the house that would work, instead of the house that was new or looked better, or had all the bells and whistles. if instead of grabbing everything that we qualified for, if we would only take what we could pay for instead. if we could take that small vacation or weekend away instead of insisting on several a year. if we could have maybe one credit card. if we didn't have to buy our kids the newest toy, or the coolest thing for birthdays. if we could take the bus more. if we could make more things instead of buying them. if we could let christmas be what it once was. we are a very greedy and desperate people. it's all about priorities, right?

i'm not saying this would have solved the problems. and i'm sure our vision is perfect while looking back, but don't you wonder? don't you think it would have been nice to have frugal-ness more popular than extravagance?

i'm good with the government coming in and taking control of everything. really. but i want the greedy people out. i would like to see more people being held accountable. it's really hard for me to see people who have had everything, keep everything. there is nothing wrong with being poor. some of us do it every day.

capitalism is a great thing. working hard toward the american dream is a great thing. but acquiring 700 billion dollars in debt? i don't know if that is such a great thing.

what do you think?

snow. that is right, we woke up on sunday morning to snow. 4 inches of white stuff. isn't that just craptastic?

it last snowed in june. that means for 3 months we have NOT had snow. do you want to know how much that sucks?

in just the waking hours of the day, fussy has:

taken off 3 diapers
changed his clothes 3 times
peed on the floor 5 times
taken handfulls of wheat and thrown it all over the kitchen floor
strewn toiletpaper from bathroom to bathroom (occasionally eating it)
thrown toilet paper in the tub while it was filling
chewed up food and spat it out 3 times
fed the dog chewed up chicken nuggets
destroyed the made bed
eaten handfulls of candy corn from the pantry
screamed for chocolate chips
chased chickens
picked green tomatoes
bonked his head 3 times
cut his finger
eaten dog food
chased the dog around with dog food
poured water out of the tub
fed the dog lexi water from tub
threw pasta all over the floor
broke a halloween statue



learned a new word...damnit!


welcome to the terrible two's

every once in a while, i feel invisible. like i have some sort of superpower that makes me see-through. mostly i feel it when i am driving, in a hurry, somewhere to be.

sometimes i feel it when i am talking to my kids. especially when there are jobs to be done, floors to be cleaned, rooms to be picked up. toilets to be scrubbed, ears to be cleaned, and bedtime to be adhered too.

other days, i feel invisible just being me. like the last person in the family that has a need or a desire. it's not what mom wants for dinner, but what the kids want. or the movie the kids want, or the anything that anybody else wants to do. and that is okay, right? because i am the mom, and i know that is what mom's do. i mean, that is why we have mothers' day, right?

invisibility is occasionally a splendid and freeing feeling. like when i don't feel well, and everybody leaves me alone. out of the spotlight. a good amount of down time is nice for everyone right? to take a break from oneself, the pressures of looking good, setting a good example, saying the right thing. that is nice.

still, feeling invisible can't be good right?

at least fussy can see me. where ever i am, whatever i am doing, i know his little eyes are watching me or watching for me. his little arms frequently are around me. his little hands are always grabbing for me. i think some would find it exhausting, and i do at times. mostly though, i feel needed and loved. like i am the most important person in his life. whatever i might say is interesting, and even though my hair is undone, or i am still in my pajamas, i still look beautiful to him.

i wonder at what age i will become invisible to him? maybe if i am paying close enough attention, i can stop it before it happens.

the trouble with halloween

is the food. and i'm not really talking about all the candy that gets home on that spooky eve. what i am referring to, is the treats and food that make it home, or is made at home, during the month of october.

like pumpkin. pumpkin cookies, pumpkin bread. pumpkin pie. yeah, i know all of this technically last until thanksgiving and beyond, but there is something so halloweeny about having pumpkin cookies.

and the warmish food. like stews and soups and curry and all sorts of heavy wintry stuff. it seems like every year i go on a baking, cooking rampage during the first few months of cold. is it because i want to settle everything down into a nice long routine for winter? i don't know, but all i can say, is it is a yummy month.

last night, i made our traditional halloween sugar cookies. which are good, but always made better by mounds of cream cheese frosting with candy bits on top. to be honest, only 2 kind of candy bits have made the cut through the years. m&m's and candy corn. so i've got a couple of dozen scary moons and orange pumpkins staring me in the face, begging to be eaten.

and that is what will happen in a couple of hours when the kids are both home from school. sure, my boys might get sick from eating so much sugar, but think of the calories they will be saving me from!

the great hair cut

i've been meaning to trim chilly's hair. so you could see his eyes. i like it long. so does big d, but it really was getting too long.

so yesterday, i grabbed the scissors and talked him into letting me trim it a bit. during the conversation, he got to the point that he wanted it short. because his best friend has short spiky hair. so he decided that short hair was cool.

so we went from this:

to this:

doing this:

pretty funny huh?

and for the record, the braid that we cut off, was 7.5 inches long! that is some long hair!

the only down side, was when he woke up this morning, he really wanted his long hair back. he was pretty upset when i told him i couldn't glue it back. and that it was going to take a couple of months to grow out. he eventually was okay, he was just going to go to school and tell everyone he got a short haircut for halloween. lol!

top ten reason my weekend rocked

10. eating ice cream that tasted like cheesecake.

we went to coldstone creamery, and although i will probably never ever ever go there again, the ice cream that was cheese cake tasting was yummy. and it had bitty blueberries in them. it was yummy. the price tag was not.

9. going to the women's conference in salt lake with about 20 women from my ward.

including the clique that i've blogged about before. i did feel a bit of an interloper, but i was lucky and got to hang out with some really cool ladies. and one of my favorite young women.

8. hangin in a tahoe with my homies.
well, with the sisters from my ward. i think they probably know me pretty well now. seeing i never shut up. make me the center of attention, and i'll entertain you for ages.

7. the women's conference.
seriously, is Pres. Uchdorf not the most handsome of the G.A.'s? and his talk on being creative really was the highlight of my day, week, month, possibly year.... i'm not sure, but i think he was talking just to me on that one.

6. early morning run on saturday sans jogger stroller.

and it was a beautiful day. seriously.

5. sams club

huge ol' diet coke and an obscene hot dog. 'nuff said

4.seeing big d move the shed with his car

coming home from rehearsal and seeing a rope tied to my mini van, and leading to the shed. the shed was all wacky. i watched big d move it into place using physics and mere brute car power. it was awesome and scary.

3. rehearsal with my boy.

that is right, "Savior of the World"has an extra couple of crazy cast members this year. since harry turned 8, and could legally(?) be in the cast, we decided it might help his self esteem just a titch. it's really been fun re-learning all that music. and i can be extra excited about missing out on yw for the next 3 months. is that bad? oh well.

2. seeing my crazy family and the new puppy.
that puppy was stinking adorable. i want one. i really do.

1. big d made curry for sunday dinner.
it's a cold weather favorite, and although it isn't cold right now, somehow it fit. maybe it is because we all have a cold, or that we haven't had it in forever. i dunno, but it was my favorite part of my weekend. thanks sweetie.

the other day, harry came up to me and asked me if it was scary to ride in an airplane. i thought it was a strange question, after all, we aren't going in any airplanes any time soon. i had quickly answered him "no" and then i asked why. did he think it was scary riding in an airplane.

he told me he thought it would be scary, since he can't ever remember it. i told him that he had done it before, and had slept most of the way. i told him it was like driving a car, only sometimes a little bumpier.

he chewed on that for a while. he came back later and told me that he still thinks it would be scary to be on an airplane. not because it goes up high, or that it goes fast, but because he hasn't done it before. he wouldn't know what to do, or where to go.

i had to agree with him.

right now i'm terrified. as much as i want the world to see me as a calm and collected person slash mom, i'm not.

harry has been having extreme behavior difficulties in his classroom. enough that we considered moving him to another class. we decided not to move him because he was resisting it. we didn't think a move would improve the situation if was going to hate it. his behavior in the last couple of weeks has apparently gone from really bad, to much much worse. and i don't know what to do.

just like that airplane ride where i know everything will likely be okay, but right now i can't imagine how it can be. i don't know if there is any magic fix for these problems. that is so much more scary when it's your own kid.

my dad always said

"you spend a year trying to get them to talk,
and then the rest of your life trying to get them to be quiet"

or something like that.

suddenly our little fussy pants has had an explosion in the whole vocabulary section. he says pretty much anything at this point.

fussy has a cute way of saying "hello". kind of like an old man from the bronx. and then he says "buffalo" like he is busy chewing gum. and he says pretty much everything from "nurse please" to "other side now". to "cows go moo" to "chicken (something something) bok bok bok". the older boys get a kick out of teaching him other words. so now he can say "ewww, yuck!" and "awesome!". and probably a bunch of other words that i am blocking out. he surprised me with "grandpa" the other day. today while we were walking home, he just pointed and told me everything. from "airplane in sky" to "grass" to "flower" to "doggy" to "cat" (at which point he started fussing because the cat ran away.

of course i think he's brilliant

it is fun to see him though. it wasn't so long ago i wished he could tell me what was wrong, and now we are on the edge of that being able to happen.

fair

meaning the state fair

the fairly cool hands on kids activity was awesome. thanks ffa people.

my fairly blind husband. or fairly stupid camera which takes blurry pictures

"that's not fair, i want a turn driving!"
fat lil' piggies getting their fair share
holy f-a-i-r! check out that dudes' horns!
gnarly goat dude showing of his fair facial hair
sweet bunny fair
this chicken pecked me. and that just isn't .,...fair?
what a fine fair day it was too.
i'm fairly alarmed at the proximity of that sheep. says fuss

says big d. the friendliest fair on the farm

can i just tell you how big this cow was. freaking fairly huge
yeah, what he said.
we love going to the state fair. we love seeing the different animals. including the tigers, alligators and such. and the people. glory, how many different types of people we see! lil' fuss had a blast moo'ing at various farm animals, including the cows, chickens, bunnies, piggies, goats. we saw a lot of animals getting hosed down. we also saw a lot of poop. lots of animal poop. and some animals in the act of pooping, which is always intriguing to my kids.

about fuss

looking particularly handsome wearing an old outfit of daddy's
just ignore the bright green diaper please...

at the fair, doing what boys do....coveting farming equipment
this is his normal response to mommy asking him to do something. ... or the reaction to the vacuum
cute smile, huh? this is his normal cheeser right now

and now he has mastered the art of playground equipment. no longer to the slides scare him. only after every successful slide he says "awesome!"


that is my fussy. my baby. not so much a baby anymore.

the natural history of the chicken

have you seen this documentary? if your answer is no, i want you to check your local pbs station and see when it will be broadcast. do it now. "natural history of the chicken". then use your wifty cool tivo (ours is called vcr) to record it because it will be on at some weird time. do that now.

got that?

now when you get it, and then you watch it, come back here and tell me what you think.

what you think about the lady who had a chicken as her favorite pet and would swim in a fountain naked with it. the lady who gave the frozen chicken cpr for 3 hours, and the hippy who likes his whole food.

then you will know how big d spent our evening last night. and it was good. the laughing was cathartic, and the reenactments were just plain entertaining. it was a lovely evening. it was probably the best movie we ever saw. seriously.

so get on that will ya?

have you ever noticed?

that it is impossible to fold sheets perfectly so that they would fit in the little package that they came in?

do they have a big folding machine? if they do, i think i want one for my birthday. folding my king size sheets into somthing that actually will fit in the linen closet is stressing me out. i know, it's sheets! i keep telling myself that. most times i just take em warm out of the dryer and stick them back on my bed. but i didn't have time for the laundry, so i ended up using plan b sheets. now i'm wrestling with the folding of the a team sheets.

11, 19, 25, 8,5,1....

11 years ago i got married. i was 19 years old, and big d was 25. now, we have 3 boys. 8 year old, 5 year old, and 1 year old. we have owned 3 houses, we have moved 5 times, we have had 6 cars. we have had 12 pets. we have had 4 major floods in our basement. 3 loved ones have died.
a lot can change in 11 years.

one thing that hasn't changed is how much i love my big d. and how grateful i am for him. how much fun we've had over the years. how many things we have learned, and how many things await us.

happy anniversary sweetie.

makes me happy

If you get tagged, you have to list 10 things that make you happy. What are the things that tickle your fancy, make you smile or still give you that butterfly sensation? What things do you seek out and truly enjoy? The only rule is that you can't say your kids or your spouse...it's too easy.

so jungleprincess tagged me with this one.

running. this is a love hate relationship. i pretty much love it when i'm done. and i love what it makes me feel like. like the ultimate warrior or something. i can take anything your throw at me, because i can run. and not just run to the mailbox or down the street, but for miles. and miles and miles and miles. as long as there are port a potties, sports beans....

sleeping in. although thanks to running and 3 boys, i rarely get this opportunity. i am going to add naps. i love a good nap, almost as much as sleeping in. with covers though. a nap on top of the bed isn't much compared to a nap with all the fixin's.

this blog. because it makes me laugh, and laughing is close to being happy. but really, check it out.

friends.

animals. yeah, i know. i'm a true animal lover at heart. even though i complain about the dog, the gerbils, the fish, i still love having them around. and i sort of wish i had more...

fresh garden veggies. not only are they good for you, but you kind of equate them to your kids in the proudness factor. like when you boast about your son's reading level and the size of your tomatoes.

technology..."but i still, i love technology, but not as much as you, you see." where would i be without my 'puter, my cell phone, my internet, my key less entry, my camera. my computer. did i say i loved my computer yet? oh yeah, my computer.

my town. i love it here. although i loved it the last place i lived, only not the code enforcers there. they suck. but i love it here. my house, my city, my local walmart. hitting the maverick for some fro yo. yup, i could live here forever. oh, and i probably will.

being outside. as opposed to being inside. i like being outside when it's sunny, or when i'm someplace cool. like yellowstone. or hiking, or fishing, or watching my kids at the park. that kind of thing

theater. or movies. one or the other. i love them both. didn't you know i was ALMOST on broadway, or had an academy award. well, i ALMOST did, or was, or whatever.

and number 11 is my family. my parents, my inlaws, my sisters, my big crazy brother, my nieces, my nephews, my uncles my aunties. my cousins, my kids. my big d. my little family with me as the mommy and big d as the daddy and our 3 crazy and frustrating boys. yup, pure bliss!

oh, i guess i should tag someone....hmmmm, nobody ever reads my bloggy, 'cept my cuzins, maybe big d, and my sissy. and maybe my mom. so there, consider yourself tagged. play along or i'll go over to the corner and cry.

feeling left out

or left behind is not a fun feeling.

i'm going to list mine:

church functions. i'm left out all the time. not on purpose, but because i am forgotten. see, i hovel in with the young women. i'm at church, but for some reason, i never know what is going on in relief society. do i feel bad about it, uh, yeah! i'm a forgotten number, nothing says love like not even being missed. i miss socials and enrichments all the time. not because i don't want to go, but because i don't know they even are happening.

church cliques. yeah, that is right. we all know about them. while i do get the opportunity to go to church with my super cool sister in law, it seems i am just always on the outside just a bit. like when they are all visiting in the hallway. and then the moment i step up to chat, they seem to disband like they saw a roach. i guess that could be me.

neighborhood cliques. pretty much the same as the church cliques, only not actually AT the church. so like when all the kids are on the same soccer team, or baseball team. except my kid. and the coach, totally is the bishop. and they KNOW that my kid wants or is playing the same sport. and they COULD have requested to keep all the kids together. or the running buddy club. like when EVERYONE else in the neighborhood runs, but the moment i mention doing a race together or running in the morning, i get shut down. shot down. whatever. even my own family. so i am super surprised when they are all getting ready to do a race. together. without me.

friends. old friends. high school was an interesting time for me. i wasn't popular (whatever that means, honestly) but some of my friends were. and i did theater and not choir. so i was left out of a lot of jokes, trips, all that stuff. but what has hurt the most was when these old friends get together still. today. close to where i live. like they did to plan our 10 year hs reunion. and i mean these people were my BEST friends. and they never called me. and they still get together without me. and then tell me they want to "get together" but nothing ever comes from it. are they pity-ing me? do they just not like me? probably not, they just don't care. i'm not important enough in their life to warrant a thought. yeah, that one does sting.

family functions. this doesn't happen too much anymore, but there still are times when we don't know about something happening to someone, or that somebody is having a baby, or that so and so got married or what not. yeah, maybe it's our fault we aren't on the calling tree. there has also been information kept from us. why? we don't know. still sucks to be left out. or when we don't get the memo that there is a play date at grandma's. or when we can't afford the play date at grandma's. sucks.

so while i have had my own experience about actually being INCLUDED for once, i guess i should feel heartless. i mean, i have no idea what it feels like, do i?

and i do feel badly that feelings have been hurt. and i cry for all of them. but i can't take responsibility for their feelings, anymore than i can take responsibility for being left out in all the other things. well, maybe if i were cooler, or smarter, or prettier, or nicer, or had girl children, or ate better, or was more spiritual, or richer, or older, or younger, or fatter, or thinner, or bigger busted, or a man, or a kid, or black, or hispanic, or filipino, or callous, or sugary sweet, or more outgoing, or just a different person altogether.

but guess what, i am who i am. and it has taken me a long time to find out that i can't change that. i am me. and no matter what, i'm going to be happy with me. that is my choice. i am going to be happy that i have brown hair, that i am liberal, that i like cold cereal. that i run my ass off everyday by myself, that i don't know half the women in my ward, and that my family forgets about me (us). if i spend my time miserable about the things i'm missing out on, i'm really going to miss out on the real thing for me. you know, a little thing called life...